Well, it's been a (mostly) great ride, but now that Blogger is owned by Google instead of Ev, I don't feel the same need to keep on supporting it. As livejournal offers more features that I actually use for almost half the price of Blogger Pro, I'm moving. Well, not moving so much as just not blogging to this page anymore. All of the rest of RitalinJunkie Productions will remain, and I'll leave up my archives; but for my journal and regular updates and what have you, go here now. If you have any bookmarks or links to this page you'll need to reset them to either that addie or RJP's main index page.

The bad: I majorly overslept this morning, and when I finally did wake up I felt crappy. And as I'm out of both Sudafed and Claritin I still feel crappy. Fizzgigg feels crappy too, poor little guy. Stupid allergies.

The good: I woke up with the next scene of DL 3.11 demanding my attention, so I got a good start on that. I'm just taking a break from it, then hopefully I'll be able to finish it (the scene, that is, not the whole episode) before I have to go buckle down and study. At least Survivor's not on tonight, so I won't have any distractions on that front.

Don't have much to say about last night's Angel. Funny, it's a great show, highly entertaining, but it just doesn't set my thought processes in motion like it's parent show does. Whatever happens, even if it's not something I really wanted to happen, I'm like, *shrug* whatever. I think Gunn hit the nail on the head for me when he called it a supernatural soap opera. That's exactly what this show has evolved into. Not that there's anything wrong with that, if it's done right, which Angel is. But the storylines are just so convoluted and, well, soapy that they just don't carry the same emotional resonance for me. It's really become a plot-driven show, whereas Buffy is still character driven, with the plots forming a backdrop for character development. For instance, it's not really about the First waging war and wanting to end the world. It's about Buffy's growth as a leader and how she handles the tough decisions, and how that affects the people around her. Whereas on Angel it all seems pretty WYSIWYGy and surfacey. Angel's transformation into Angelus didn't lead to deeper character growth for Angel or anybody else, save Faith. The Evil Pregnant Cordy storyline so far doesn't seem to be a metaphor for anything deeper, it's just Evil Pregnant Cordy, gee isn't that shocking and squicky. I'm not saying they don't have character growth. One need only look at Wesley to see that that's not so. But character development doesn't really seem to be the point anymore. So I guess it's a personal preference thing, but this is why as good as Angel is this season, I just can't see it as the superior show.

Wow, that turned out longer and rantier than I intended. Oh well. I'mma go finish my scene and then (after a time out for some yoga) hit the books. In the mean time, for everybody heading to Chicago or any other of the major Cons coming up, here's some conning tips a friend sent me. I have no idea where they originated, so my apologies to the source.

Tips for surviving a sci-fi convention

I'm having another thought (scroll past the spoiler space)...

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It's late, and I'm sleepy, so bear with me if I don't explain this right. But I got the sense in tonight's ep that Spike's epiphany wasn't just about his mother, but also about the deliniation between the demon and the human soul. That creature who came on to him was not his mother. She was a demon. Something which I think Spike has always understood intellectually, but has never really *got.* Because I don't think Spike ever thought of himself as two separate entities. He changed upon turning, yes; he became stronger, better (to his mind), more evil and more confident. But I think he truly believed he was still the same *person* inside, and that he still felt that way upon getting his soul back. He now had a conscience and a sharper memory of William's pain, but I think that he's always thought of himself as, essentially, William. A William who gave himself a makeover complete a new attitude and a new name to prove his mother wrong, to prove that he wasn't a weak little mama's boy (and has been trying to prove that ever since), but still William nonetheless. So I don't think it really occurred to him before that there was a clear deliniation and that other vampires were not the same people they were in life. Again, I think he understood the concept intellectually before tonight, but now he gets it on a gut level.

I think that's the primary difference between souled Spike and Angel. Angelus never confused himself with Liam. He knew what he was and what he was meant for. Introduce Liam's soul back into that mix, and sure there's going to be an identity struggle. Angelus had his own strong sense of identity separate from the human that he was, so, no, Angelus and Angel are not the same being. They don't identify with each other and they don't like each other and they each resent having to share a body and a brain with the other.

So, I don't think the two approaches we're being given are contradictory. I think they make sense. Angel is not Angelus, but Spike is William, because he never stopped being William. As such it's harder for Spike to separate the actions of the demon from those of the souled being and give himself a free pass from responsibility for the demon's actions. Unlike certain other recently re-ensouled vampires who don't say to certain other Slayers "Hey, sorry about about giving you up to the Beast and kicking your ass and biting you," but instead say "Sorry I wasn't around while you were here."

More thoughts upon rewatch (spoilers, duh):

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The stuff William's mom said to him really explains why he so completely remade himself.

And not to go all maudlin 'shipper, but damn. How can they show us everything they've shown us about William's past and not let it end with him finding real love? I'm hoping that they can't. Yes, I said the "H" word. Leave me alone.

Does Buffy still have a job? I mean, does one say to one's boss that they'll let their ex-boyfriend kill him if he tries anything again and then show up at the office the next day?

Speaking of ex-boyfriends, shut up, Giles. I still love you, and I'm gonna cut you slack on account of you probably not knowing about Spike begging Buffy to kill him or offering to leave, but Angel left because he couldn't deal. He is not something Spike should aspire to. Not having that level of self-awareness my ass. Spike is made of stronger stuff than that. Something you'd realize if you'd pull your head out for two seconds and think about the fact that he chose his soul. Gah! See, this is what has me all disappointed in Giles, that that distinction doesn't even occur to him. I understand that he's putting the fate of the world before Spike's welfare, or Buffy's, or even his own, considering that he had to know Buffy wouldn't forgive him. Spike has earned the benefit of the doubt, and I understand why Giles is reluctant to give it to him, but he's ignoring every reason that he should even consider doing so.

Believe it or not, I actually have sympathy for Wood. What Spike said about his mother not loving him was harsh and not entirely true, but I don't hold it against Spike seeing as how the man had just tried to kill him. But it made me feel sorry for Wood nonetheless.

First thoughts on "Lies My Parents Told Me." This entire post contains spoilers for that ep.

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Huh. Keren & Meredith got it right. Spike really did turn his mum.

I'm not sure how I feel about this ep yet. It was a great ep. I'm relieved and proud that Spike didn't kill Wood, and I loved when Buffy said she'd let Spike kill him next time. But Giles ... Man. He totally broke my heart. And we didn't get any real Spuffy resolution, just more of Buffy obviously caring about him and yet claiming that she only needs him because he's a good warrior. And with the talk about the mission coming first, and Spike's speech about the Slayer being alone and not being able to put love first ... Oh, who am I kidding. I'll ride this 'ship to the bitter end. But the wind has definitely been taken out of my sails.

On a more upbeat note, Drusilla's reaction to Spike wanting to take his mom on the honeymoon was priceless. And also very sane. I can't believe they got Juliet Landau back and only used her for one scene.

We got more Punk Spike. That was of the good. He was wet, too. Too bad he had to be in vamp face the whole time.

Did they give Cecily a last name other than Addams, or did I misunderstand? I know it didn't make it on screen so I guess technically it's not actually canon, but that was her last name in the FfL shooting script, as well as in the tie-in novel I'm reading. And in at least two of my fics. So that bugs. And didn't Drew Goddard cowrite this ep? Tsk tsk, your continuity crown is slipping, Drew.

So, yeah. There was a lot that was good. Great, actually. And yet I'm feeling let down. By the characters, not by the show, and I guess it's a testament to how great this show was that it absolutely didn't suck and yet has left me feeling so sucky. Why, Giles? Why?

I'm gonna go look for some chocolate now.

Le sigh. I was going to take my new writing journal and go camp out on the back deck until time for my PM class, but almost the instant I decided to do that the sky clouded over and it started thundering in the distance. Whatever, nature.

Lately I've had a surge of ideas for original stories, but of course no time to work on any of them. I'm trying to get the ideas written down and fleshed out as best I can before I have to stop and work on academic stuff, so that I don't forget them. Today's really the last day I'll have to work on my own creative endeavor's for a while. I have a social theory test next Tuesday, covering three social theorists. I figure if I spend two days on each one starting tomorrow, I ought to have a pretty good handle on them by test time. And as soon as that test is past I'm going to have to buckle down and get started on all of my term projects. Any time I can squeeze out for writing in the meanwhile is going to have to go to DL.

Speaking of DL, the 3.9 author is MIA again. Fenwic, eep, adj, etc., if you're around tonight, we might have to take some time out of post-Buffy chat to discuss possible contingencies.

I've got a very rough outline sketched out for the A plot of the tie-in novel I want to write. I know when to set it and who the major players are. I've even got some shout-outs planned (I'm thinking the main villain will be an Adjwic demon named Mudge, and Nauti Bitz sounds like a good name for a demon strip club -- or, ooh! Nauti Bytez as a cybercafe that specializes in internet porn! Two birds, baby!). Still have no idea what to do for a B plot, but I figure one will emerge while I'm writing the thing. I'm giving this story priority over Modern Brides. I figure I have a better chance of marketing this one on my own, and if I do manage to get it published it'll look good on my vitae when I try to get an agent to handle MB. There's also the hope that, with the show ending and all, by the time I finish this story I'll have the whole fanfic bug out of my system and will be able to concentrate on my own characters instead of Spike for a change. It sounds good in theory.

In other news, I'm getting my squee on for tonight's Buffy. I'm not getting my hopes up. I learned that lesson with "First Date." I am hope-less. However, with the countdown to the end officially begun and only five eps left after tonight, I'm thinking that if Spike and Buffy don't finally get back together tonight then it's just not going to happen. So if they don't, I'll probably need some consoling tonight. I'm going in anticipating disappointment and zero progress for Spuffy. Then there's no way I can get burned, right? Right.

I forgot all about the Oscars being on tonight. And I can't honestly say that I care. But it'll feel weird not to watch them. Maybe I'll have them on in the background while I work on my fic. I know how this installment of the garden fic ends now, and I have to get it down tonight before I forget again.

A lovely day was had today. I slept past noon, which won't be such a good thing when I have to get up and go to class in the morning, but for now I feel great, even though I woke up in the middle of the night from another creepy, creepy dream about an entirely different creepy little girl. This was a little blonde girl, about 10 to 12 years old, and she lived in the house next door to the house I grew up in (even though it wasn't a house that actually exists). She kept coming over and looking in our windows, trying to get in the house. I'd see her outside sometimes, watching us -- I recall one extremely vivid image of walking outside and seeing her perched in a tree, watching me, but when I tried to talk to her she climbed down and disappeared. She never spoke, and I can't really remember what her face looked like, even though at one point in the dream I woke up (in my dream) and looked out my window and saw her standing there watching me. I have no idea why, but I knew that it would be very bad if she ever got inside the house. Like I said, creepy. I woke up freaked out, but then I turned on my light and grabbed my idea journal and jotted it all down. I'm not sure what it is yet, but there's got to be a story in there.

Once I got up and got dressed, I drove in to Tulsa and did some light shopping. Stopped at Ulta to look for some of that Thermasilk frizz fighter stuff I'm running out of, and they don't carry it either. I'm beginning to suspect they've stopped making it. Why, Thermasilk, why? Why have you forsaken me? Do you want me to get split ends? Is that it? Humph! Anyway, I also went to three different book stores (four if you count Vintage Stock, which also sells used books at their other location, but this one apparently focuses more on gaming. Even their comics selection was lousy) looking for pretty much any short story collection containing Peter S. Beagle's Come, Lady Death, with no luck. But I did go ahead and buy The Last Unicorn and Tamsin. Looking forward to reading those. Someday. I also picked up a new writing journal that was on sale at Borders. I have plenty of idea journals, but this one looks well suited for actually writing stories in. After all that I parked my rear in Panera until I had a page and a half of new garden fic and a solid idea of where to go from there. So with any luck I'll have that finished tonight.

About the TWoP B/A banner, I feel kinda sad for the folks who put it up. I think they really believe they're going to get a B/A ending. I feel no need to retaliate, but unlike a lot of you that's largely because I think I'm gonna get my 'ship in the end. And no, this isn't some pathetically delusional S/B 'shipper talking. This is someone who understands the mechanics of storytelling and who periodically looks at what this show is doing and where it's come from as objectively as possible, from a logical storytelling perspective, and I see it headed towards a Spuffy-friendly ending. It might not end with human Spike and Buffy riding off into the sunset to live happily ever after and have tiny, tiny babies, but barring either of them dying, I don't see it ending on anything other than at least a hopeful note for this couple.

Anyway. Something I do think might be a nice idea is if we -- fans of Spike, that is, not necessarily fans of Spuffy -- at some point would put up a nice banner just to thank ME for treating us to such a fabulous character. Of course, I detest the idea of giving any money to TWoP as much as anybody, but people inside the industry really do check that site regularly, and it would be nice to let them know that the Spike haters at TWoP don't speak for all of us. Just something along the lines of a few choice Spike quotes from over the years, with a "Thanks to Joss, James and the rest of Mutant Enemy for bringing this character to life." Or maybe a tagline like "Character growth: It's not for the timid." Yeah, I drove around a lot today, I had time to put some thought into this. Anyway, it's just an idea. If anybody wanted to take it and run with it, I'd chip in.

Woops, time for the Oscars. Gotta run. Actually, gotta write. Here's hoping the awards aren't too terribly distracting, and yet not mind-numbingly boring for the sake of everyone else watching them tonight.

Well, the baby shower came off without a hitch. Wore me out, too. I forget how draining large social gatherings are for me until I try to get through them. I put the "I" in the "INFP," y'all. I should amend that to say large social gatherings of mostly people I'm not that well acquainted with or close to or have nothing in common with and therefor nothing to talk about. Or something. Or maybe it was just that I didn't completely sleep off the Tylenol PM I took last night before I had to get up and go fetch my cat from the vet. At any rate, after everybody left I went to lie down and decompress for "just a few minutes" and ended up dozing for about an hour. Then I got up and my mom and I went to Chili's for supper. Mmm, Chili's. We also stopped at the Wal-Mart Supercenter to see if they still carry Thermasilk Weightless Frizz Fighter, and much to my chagrin, they don't. This means that both of the Wal-Marts in my vicinity have stopped carrying it. Now I have to find out who does. Because I simply can't go without that stuff. Stupid Wal-Mart.

Wow. Look at all the product placement in that paragraph.

Anyway. Speaking of sleep, last night I had a creepy-ass "The Ring" related dream. Actually, in retrospect and from the waking side of things, it was more lame than creepy, but when I was actually having the dream it was disturbing. I don't remember details, but it involved hiking in the woods near my house and finding that well -- *you* know the one -- and somehow the little girl had rigged up glass around it so that it looked nice and safe, like an exhibit or something, but when you poked your head inside to look down the well a razor sharp piece of glass slid down from above and guillotined anybody dumb enough to look. On second thought, that's still pretty disturbing in retrospect, too. Stupid scary movie.

Now I'm in for the night, and I think I'm going to go watch that Winding Roads movie I taped the other night, then I'll probably end up on AIM. I'm not worrying about any of my stories for the time being. I'm actually trying *not* to think about them, in the hopes that they'll sneak up on me and barrage me with ideas. That happens sometimes. Tomorrow's gonna be all about writing, though. I'll probably have to take my pretty pen and a legal pad to a coffee shop somewhere to get it going, but by God, some writing is going to get done tomorrow! Oh yes, it will. Stupid writer's block.

Haven't updated in a while, because every time I sit down I'm determined to make myself write fic and nothing else. But that keeps not working out. I keep having ideas for other people's fics and DL scenes but none for my own. I'm feeling terribly uninspired. I should probably just hang it up for the rest of my break and go work on all that reading I said I'd do this week. We'll see.

So what's new? Niblet is at the vet right now, getting her tubes tied or whatever it is that they do to girl cats. I won't get her back until tomorrow. Jake is also at the vet getting better x-rays and stuff. This time they are knocking him out, but we'll get to pick him up this afternoon. In the meantime I need to go do some shopping and get everything together for the baby shower tomorrow. Whee.

Mom bought a car this week. She got a good deal on a barely used Buick LeSabre that belonged to Mr. Missionary's deceased father, and has hardly been driven since he died. So the minivan is mine now. Sexay, sexay minivan! Woo! Eh, at least I have wheels. And my mom is de-Jesusifying it as I type. Did I never mention that it was a Jesus van? Well, it was. But it is the Jesus-mobile no more. Not that there was anything wrong with that, but, y'know. And anyway I don't feel I should go around advertising my Christian status on the roads until I can learn to drive with more patience and less flipping people off. At any rate, I have my very own set of wheels now, so you won't have to read any more whining from me on that front.

Oh, and the missionaries are gone now, and the pneumonia that was had by Mrs. Missionary wasn't the scary lethal kind. So yay for that.

What else ... Oh! I finished all of the DL CDs. Well, mostly, I still have to label them. But that won't take long. And they're going in the mail this afternoon. So if you're waiting for CDs from me, you should get them next week. Er, if you're getting them because you donated to the site, that is. If you're getting some just because we're friends and I promised you some in a fit of generosity, those will get put together this weekend and mailed some time next week. Love ya, but paying customers are first.

That's about it for me. I enjoyed this week's Angel, but I really don't have much to say about it. I'm far more excited over the preview for next week's Buffy. Though today I'm so very, very sad that tonight is the last new episode of Farscape ever. I'll probably cry before it's over. After, too. Heck, I teared up watching the preview for it last week. Sigh.

Oh! And also, guess what's going in the mail with the CDs today? I finally got around to cleaning up one of my short stories and making it marketable. So the manuscript is off to a somewhat obscure sf/horror digest. So in a couple of months I ought to have something to add to my rejection letter file. ;-) I feel like a real writer again.

Well, today is shot. I spent longer than I intended on the fic after I first posted today, not wanting to quit while I was on a roll, and yet still didn't finish it. Then by the time I finished my workout and showered and dressed it was time to load Jake up. We spent two hours at the vet, most of it sitting around waiting. Finally they x-rayed him, and found nothing seriously wrong with him, so they gave us some Rimadyl for his pain and sent us home. However, the doctor suspects that he hurt his ACL in both knees, but Jake was too tense for him to be able to feel it when he checked. So if Jake doesn't show vast improvement by the end of the week they want to see him back on Friday, so they can sedate him and get a better feel of his knees.

By the time we got back home I was exhausted from all of the heavy dog lifting, so I plopped on the couch just in time to catch the last 45 minutes of "After Life." Once I got over being pissed off at having missed the whole "147 days" scene, I relaxed and enjoyed it, choking up appropriately at both "Every night I save you" and Buffy's heaven speech at the end. And thinking how utterly beautiful Spike looked in those scenes. And falling even more in love with him. Sigh.

So of course, now all I want to do is write fic in which he gets to be happy, since that's the closest I can get to giving the poor guy a hug. As such, I guess I'll just work on finishing the garden ficlet tonight, and bump all of my "I'm a writer! No, really!" plans to tomorrow. But first I'm gonna settle back and read me some new Nauti fic. Cheers!

I finally pinned Nibblet down and clipped her claws. And got my left hand all scratched up in the process. That whole 'wrap them in a towel' thing never works with her. But the upside is that she's pissed off at me now and is making a big show of ignoring me, which is making for a nice break, though attention whore that she is, I'm sure it won't last long. Also, she can't scratch me now. At least not with her front claws.

Reading Neil Gaiman's blog always makes me wish I had time to read for enjoyment. This is one of the many reasons I'm looking forward to being finished with school. At least next fall I'll be taking an English Lit course (to fulfill my minor -- and how irritating is it that they require you to have a minor? If not for that I'd be done come May), which should provide a vast improvement over text books and social scientific journal articles in the way of reading material. "Should" is the operative word in that last sentence. Anyway, I did pick up A Game of Thrones again the other night and got through another chapter. Of course that was after having to skim through several preceding chapters to help me remember what was going on, since it's been so long since I last cracked that book open. But I'm now more than 200 pages in. Only about 500 more to go. At least at this rate, by the time I get through all of the existing books the series will probably be close to completion.

We're supposed to have Jake to the vet by 4:30. We'll probably end up having to leave him overnight so they can do x-rays. Though watching him try to get around, I suspect that he's really only hurt the one leg, and his other leg just isn't strong enough yet to support him for very long. Either way, sucky.

In the mean time, I'm gonna go work out and get around, then I'm going to clean off my desk. It's still covered in detritus from last semester's papers and I should clear all that away before I start on this semester's go 'round. And as today is the day I start to kick butt and take names in making a serious effort to launch a writing career, it'd be nice to start that off with a clean desk. The rest of the day, minus the dealing with Jake, is going to be all about getting a couple of old short stories ready to submit to some magazines. I might even give Fearful Symmetry another read-through and see if it's really as unsalvageable as I've managed to convince myself.

Once all that's done, it's back to the garden ficlet. Actually, I think I have time to poke at that for an hour or so before I go do any of the stuff mentioned above. If I could get myself focused I could probably finish it in an hour or two. Now, while my cat's being peevish and leaving me alone, would be a really good time to tackle that.

Pet trauma the first: My trauma, actually, and I won't go into details because, ew. Suffice it to say that a cat in heat is one of the nastiest things that there is. Especially when she won't stay the hell off of you. Please, dear Lord, give us both the strength to make it until her spaying appointment on Friday.

Pet trauma the second: My mom's big-ass dog Jake has managed to somehow injure both of his hind legs. I had to help her carry him up the deck stairs (down which we think he might have fallen) to get him inside a while ago, and I think I might have hurt my back again. And as soon as she can get him in I have to help her get him to the vet. As much as I like large dogs*, times like these are when I think it's really good to have a dog that can fit in your purse. Poor Jake, though. He's not whining, but he's being so pathetic. He's obviously in pain, poor fella, but he's also soaking up the extra attention like a sponge.

I watched all of the remaining eps on my Angel dvds today. I have more thoughts brewing, but it'll take me a while to get them all sorted out. But I will say that Alexis Denisoff is just fabulous at the physical comedy, which makes it almost a shame that Wesley is no longer a spaz.

Also watched "Lover's Walk," and I'd like to add "Oh, don't tell me that wasn't fun" to my list of all-time Sexy Spike moments.

Saw Willard last night. I highly recommend it to anyone who does or used to consider themselves an X-Phile. It was (re-)written and directed by Glen Morgan and produced by Morgan and Wong, and it's about the same level of creep, suspense and twisted humor as the best of their XF eps. Plus it has shout-outs. Those were fun. Also? Crispin Glover would make a good Joker. He's got the psychotic, maniacal grin down pat.

Tess did go with me, and helped me navigate Garden Ridge where I picked up plenty of stuff for the shower. Alas, by the time we finished there it was almost time for the movie, and by the time we got out of the movie Ulta was closed, so I ended up not having to worry about the dilemma of how much to let myself spend there. Even so, it was a nice night. Came home and stayed up way, way too late chatting, for which I blame adjrun because she logged on so darn late to begin with and I couldn't go until I talked to her.

Oh, and here's some fun news: Those missionaries from the Philipines who are staying with us who used to be our neighbors? They brought pneumonia back with them, and it turns out it might be this special strain that a lot of people visiting and returning from the Philipines has been bringing back. Though, we're fairly certain that it's not, because though they're still infected, they at least have walking symptoms and are up and around, whereas most of the people who've contracted the scary strain are, well, dead or dying. At any rate, they're running tests, and if it does turn out to be that strain, I'll be spending the rest of my spring break and then some under quarrantine. I'm really not too worried that it'll turn out that way, though. And so far my mom and I and everybody who's come to our house since the missionaries got here are fine, although my mom is showing chest cold symptoms, so we're keeping an eye on her. She insists that she feels fine, though. I wish she could just stay home and rest tomorrow but it really does require at least two of us to move Jake around and he really needs to see a vet.

Some better news: The first draft of DL 3.9 is finished, and I'm told to "expect a major slew of edited stuff real soon." And the first scene of 3.10 got posted to the beta list today, too. So we're movin' right along.

Finally, here's hoping that georgevna had a swell birthday.

The first time I typed that I wrote "dongs." Freudian slip much?

Gah! I went downstairs to get some water and caught my mom laying out all of the fixin's for chili dogs. I was good, though. I got my water and ran back upstairs and had a Slim-Fast bar for lunch. I'm finally noticing some fruit from all of my sensible-diet-and-exercize labor, the last thing I need to do is blow it on a coney. Besides, I'm probably gonna eat some Chinese food tonight, so, yeah.

I'm definitely going shopping later. Need to pick up some things for the shower next week, including a gift. I'm debating on whether go give myself an allowance to spend at Ulta. On the one hand I've got straight As and weight loss that I could use as an excuse to reward myself, but on the other hand I've got that trip to Chicago in May and I really should save my money for that. The Buffy & Angel DVDs were really a pretty substantial reward, anyway. Plus I splurged and bought some more workout clothes on the day of the dog tragedy (I really shouldn't be allowed anywhere near any kind of shopping venue when I'm upset). I might go ahead and split the difference and buy my essentials there. And of course if they still have the pair of sunglasses that I loved but was too broke to buy last time I was there I could take that as a sign that I was meant to have them ... Anyway, the point is that I'm going out tonight. Whether I also see a movie depends on whether Tess goes with me, but I haven't talked to her yet so I don't know. Don't know what we'll see if she goes with, either. Possibly Willard.

My plans for tomorrow are even better. Aside from the wee bit o' writing I'll do just to keep myself in the saddle, I'm going to sit on my ass all day and watch my DVDs. Whee!

Monday, I'm going to go through all of my original stuff and see what's salvageable and possibly marketable, and I'm going to finally get off my ass and submit some of it. Also going to finally get my writing samples together to send to that local 'zine. The rest of the week I'll play by ear. I have to finish both my DL chapter and the remaining DL CDs that I owe people. I should read the book that I have to write a ten page report over by next month for my Marriage & Family class, and I should at the very least narrow down my list of possible topics for my other two big papers. If I was smart I'd also narrow down a research topic for my senior capstone project this summer. I'm getting Nibblet spayed on Friday (hallelujah!), and there's the Mimsies show that night (to which I still haven't decided whether I'm going), and prepping for the shower the rest of that day, and Saturday is the actual shower. I also really, really have to go through my mail and pay any outstanding bills I have and get my financial aid forms turned in, and also make absolutely sure that my not being employed at all last year means that I don't have to file taxes. And also clean. I'll probably get all of that last stuff out of the way on Tuesday. I've a feeling I'm not really going to get much done in the way of schoolwork this week.

As for the garden fic, I got a little more banged out this morning. I wish I could write fast like some people, but as it was two hours resulted in about five paragraphs. Now I have to beta the last few scenes of DL 3.9, which I'll hopefully get done before I have to leave. And hopefully I'll get home early enough tonight that I can write some more. Although realistically I'll probably end up chatting and not getting anything done in the way of fic, but we can pretend I at least have good intentions of coming home and writing. Actually, if I end up going by myself I'll probably end up at Borders or something and might do some writing there. I really hope Tess can go with me, though, as I haven't talked to her for a couple of weeks.

All of this is really to say, SPRING BREAK! WHOO!

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	High
Schizotypal:	Low
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Low
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Click Here To Take The Test --

As a mental health professional in training, I'd like to point out that this test sucks ass, so don't go freaking out over the results. For example, a lot of the answers that produced the above results are typical of ADD behavior. Also, some of the questions are phrased terribly. "Do consider yourself having a strong love for approval and praise?" Well who doesn't? Having a strong need for such, on the other hand, could be problematic. So, whatever. My DSM-IV says I'm not schizoid, so I'm going with that.

I only got part of the new garden ficlet done last night. This one is slightly more complex in that it'll consist of a whopping three scenes. One more to go.

Speaking of one more to go, the last scene of DL 3.9 (that's shorthand for Restoration, Episode 9 for any newcomers out there who haven't caught on to that yet) just turned up in my inbox. And there was much rejoicing. Now we just have to finish betaing it and alkibiadhs has to finish up his revisions and we're good to go. Which means I'd better make beta reading the new scenes top priority tonight. After Farscape, natch.

And speaking of Farscape, I woke up to mild panic thinking that tonight's was the finale, but I checked and that's not until next week. So I can go another week in denial. Whew.

Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! Spring break!

Okay, technically not until I finish up in my sister's classroom today (I'm taking Fizzgigg to visit the moppets, by the by. That'll be fun. As long as none of them flips out in a psycho fit and tries to hurt him. Or me. But nothing like that's happened for a while now and I expect them all to be pretty mellow today what with spring break looming just beyond the bell and all). I need to sit down and sort out my plans and priorities and figure out what must get done this week and what can wait, because I would like some relaxation and fun time. Maybe I'll finally get to finish watching my AtS dvds and break out BtVS Season 3. I can't believe I haven't even watched "Lover's Walk" yet. I haven't seen the non-butchered-for-syndication version of that ep since MilhousCon. Of course it's less annoying to watch the FX version when you can't remember what's missing.

So, I'm off to intern. I'd hoped to stop by a coffee shop before I come home and work on the ficlet free of the cat-in-heat menace (that reminds me, I need to go call the vet ASAP and see if I can get her in and get her spayed next week), but -- say it with me -- I have to get the car home. Bleah.

Answer: "China-dog shrimp-poodle!"

Question: "What kind of dog do you have, Shane?"

I love my sister's students. Alas, we couldn't get him to draw us a picture.

When I said yesterday that I'd write more garden fic last night, I was suffering a brain fart that made me completely forget it was Angel night. So, maybe I'll get that written tonight. I have to watch Survivor, but I don't have to log on and chat about it after, so that'll leave room for productivity. Also, my only class tomorrow is cancelled, so I can also stay up late. Perfect conditions for ficcing.

I'm having a thought about the difference between Spike and Angel, but I want to let it brew a bit longer before I share.

I'm sorely tempted to skip my PM class, but since I already did that on Tuesday I'd better go. I think I've got time for a nap first, though, so I'm gonna go do that now.

After completing the first half of DL 3.11 last night (go me!), I took some Tylenol PM and turned in early. Such a good feeling to be well rested. Anyway, since I'm feeling all accomplished re: DL for the moment I think I'll go ahead and work on the garden fic tonight. The next installment should be as short and sweet as the others, so I should be able to bash it out tonight. But then I gotta get it betaed, so I can't say when it'll get posted.

The test that I keep studying for and then finding out it's been postponed finally happened this morning. It was ridiculously easy. And now I'm done with that class until after spring break.

Spring break. Next week. Thank you, sweet Jesus. Insert massive sigh of relief here.

On my way out of the building I saw a flier for a Mimsies show here in Claremore that happened last Sunday, and I'm kicking myself for not seeing it before. Terrence and I used to be friends with the lead singer back in our OU days, but since I moved back up here and she started her band and moved to L.A. we lost touch. I'd really like to have seen her. Ooh! They're coming back to Tulsa to play Curly's on the 21st, yay! I'm trying to wheedle Terrence into taking off to go see them with me, but so far he's all "Gotta work blah blah staff shortage blah blah blah responsibility-cakes." Feh.

I'm really in a mood to write, but I have to go intern. Why does life have to be so damned inconvenient with the scheduling?

My little sister's here. As I was walking over to sit by her she told me I look skinny today. I had just registered what she said and begun to bask in the glow of the compliment and my weight loss success when my mom piped up and said, "Everybody looks skinny when you're 8 months pregnant."

Sigh.

I love my mommy. I really do.

Naps good. Midday pillow creases on Jean's face, not so much with the pretty.

To my fellow Spuffy 'shippers: I found this interview with Jane E. extremely heartening. In it she says that "the Buffy and Spike love story" is her favorite arc out of the entire series and explains why. I realize it's all just her opinion, but the great thing about it is that she talks about the love "they" have and doesn't qualify it at all to make it sound like it's all one sided and unrequited or downplay Buffy's feelings to be anything less than love. Much like the love I have for Jane. Warning, though, it does contain a casting spoiler. It's not very surprising casting info, but the spoiler pure might want to keep away.

On a completely unrelated tac, how come some people can't compliment a fic they like without inserting a not so veiled dig at DL (or any other fic they don't care for, for that matter)? It usually happens in posts that smack of "darkfic is superior and anything that dares to be lighthearted or optimistic misses the point," an attitude that irritates the shit out of me. And it carries the implication that DL is nothing but fluff. While it certainly has its fluffy moments and has a pretty optimistic basic premise, it has some pretty dark moments and themes, too. If it's not your thing, fine. Some people don't like their angst served with side orders of romance and comic relief (though if that's the case, I have to wonder why such a person watches the show). Diff'rent strokes and all that. I just don't appreciate DL being pointed to as the pinnacle of fluff, and when you're praising a darkfic I don't get why such a comparison (especially such a pointed comparison, even if you didn't call the fic by name) is even necessary. If you don't like it, fine. That's cool. But you don't have to be so damn condescending about it.

So, I decided to skip my PM class to write -- and nothing but, yet here I am online farting around with a journal entry. But Fox asked the burning question, "Are you happy?" Like others, it got me to thinking. No surprise, as I'm prone to introspection and self-analysis anyway. But I've come to realize that, less than a month away from turning 30, I'm pretty satisfied with myself, with who I am and where I'm going. Of course I'm not as pretty or as thin as I'd like to be. I'm not the most outgoing person and I value my privacy, and I realize this makes me somewhat difficult to get to know, but much like Willow all it takes is an expressed interest and I open right up. Those who've made the effort to get to know me tend to claim that it was worth it, so there must be something about me that's worthwhile. I realize that entirely too much of my self-esteem is wrapped up in my writing ability and the perception others have thereof, and I need to work on that. I also wish that I could be more outgoing and that I was more skilled at the art of flirting or even just, y'know, talking to a guy, and that I weren't so oblivious or prone to get impatient (I often really hate my ADD, but I try really hard not to use it as an excuse for my bad behavior, and at least for the most part I know how to control it or work around it). But in the end I know that I'm smart and occasionally even witty and/or insightful, and I'm not without talent. For all of my flaws and my occasionally evil tendencies I think I'm basically a kind and decent person, if not always nice or good. I'm strong in my faith and in my identity. I know who I am and what I do best and I've got a pretty good idea of where I want to go from here.

All this is to say that I don't look to other people to provide me with happiness, and I don't think I need a man to complete me. That said, I find I'm lonely more often than not. I want a boyfriend. I want to know that I'm not going to spend the rest of my life alone, just me and my cats and my tiny, tiny dog. I want to know that there's at least a chance that I could have my own children someday and that I'm not destined to just be the eccentric aunt who spoils all her nephews because she hasn't got anybody else to spoil. I wish I had the stones to be the pursuer, because God knows I'm never the pursuee, and I wish that didn't ever come down to me wondering what is wrong with me that nobody ever notices me or thinks I'm worth chasing after, but sometimes it does, and if I dwell on it too much I can get pretty depressed. And sometimes it's a constant struggle not to dwell on it. So, no, I'm not happy. I want too badly to share my life with someone. To share my bed. And I don't see that happening any time soon. It's not like I have time to date right now anyway, let alone get involved (although if a certain Brit would ask me out for coffee or dinner I'd certainly make the time).

That said, I think I can see myself becoming complacent with my single status sometime down the line and resigning myself to it, which is perhaps the most depressing thought of all. But barring the presence of a significant other, I think the key ingredients to my life satisfaction are 1) my relationship with God (which I've been neglecting far too much lately), 2) having plenty of time to write (even if I never make a living at it, I get all kinds of stressed if I have to go too long without writing) and 3) having a lifestyle in which I'm not too rushed too often. I don't mind being rushed occasionally -- I'd get bored otherwise. But all in all I don't like to be rushed. I like being able to take my time with things. I can't stand to be constantly on the go. I need my quiet time.

I also know that I had damn well better get my ass in gear and start making it as a writer because if I don't, if I have to settle for any other type of career, I'm going to be absolutely miserable for the rest of my life. But that's fodder for another post.

10:05 AM - Grr. Fizzgigg woke me up an hour & a half early this morning, and as I let him out I realized I had spent all weekend forgetting about the test that was (initially) scheduled for this morning (this would be the same test I mistakenly thought was last Monday and spent all last weekend studying for). So instead of going back to bed I fixed coffee and hunkered down to review. Got to class on time, scantron and No. 2 pencil in hand, sans textbook, only to discover that the test has been postponed to Wednesday because of all of those snow days we had.

So, now I'm stuck in class with no book. Can't occupy myself taking notes because they're discussing current events instead of course content. Right now they're debating the death penalty. Whee. I'm sleepy, sleep-deprived and cranky. And hungry. I scarfed a banana on the way to class but it's not holding me. Arrgh.

~~~

Now - I'm doing better. Still feeling the sleep deprivation, but I've got me a Slimfast Meal-on-the-go bar (Milk Chocolate Peanut. Mmm.) so at least I'm not hungry. Feeling the love re: last night's installment of Smuffy (Spuffy + mild smut = Smuffy). I'll probably add to it tonight. I still need a series title, though. I'm serious about suggestions. I suck at titles and I need help. Here, I'll make it easy for you:

Garden fic title poll

Come on, reader participation! It's fun!

Christmas before last my mom gave me this pretty little single service tea set, with a small tea pot, a big honking tea cup, and a matching ceramic tray to hold them both. I thought it would look very pretty sitting on my coffee table, but for fear that Nibblet would break it, I kept it in the box and put it away in a closet, figuring I'd break it out some day when she's older and less prone to using terrorist tactics to get her way. But earlier this year, I got into drinking green tea. Something about it increasing your metabolism and warding off cancer. Then the other day I read that you have to drink two or three cups a day to really reap the benefits. So, I got out my little tea set and started making myself a whole pot at a time. This was three days ago. Today, on the third use, while pouring my second cup, I lost control of the teapot's lid and it shattered all over the floor.

Le sigh.

You know, I really like to think that I've grown out of the chronic accident proneness of my childhood, but any time I start to get too confident in that regard I go and do something like this. And now my pretty little tea set sits there, sans lid, an open, gaping mouth mocking me and my clumsiness.

Oh, and before that I dropped the lid to my mom's tea kettle in the sink and chipped the ceramic coating. I'm kinda hoping that one will go unnoticed. And if not, maybe she'll consider the entire lid from my teapot a sufficient sacrifice.

I'm just procrastinating now because I have to go clean the cat box and I don' wanna. But I also have to go get around and go to Li'l Sis's first ever baby shower. Hopefully after that's over I'll be able to come home and write. I really didn't accomplish more last night than typing up and revising what I had handwritten at Panera. But I'm two scenes away from finishing the first installment of 3.11, and I really, really want to get that done today. Plus if I could get an outline hammered out for the whole episode, that would probably be helpful to a lot of people besides myself.

Big love and thanks to everyone who consoled me after yesterday's tragic tale of doggie woe.

Today has been much, much better so far. So far I've been utterly selfish, making it a total me day. I slept in til 11, then sat around for an hour drinking a pot of green tea and reading a magazine I picked up yesterday. Then I did yoga for an hour before taking a nice, long shower and making myself presentable so I could then make myself scarce for a couple of hours while my mom hosted that church baby shower. I went to Panera (formerly St. Louis Bread Company) for a couple of hours where I hung out sipping Hazelnut coffee and nibbling on an orange scone and working on DL 3.11.

For those of you suffering from writer's block or just trying to get back on the horse and jumpstart your writing groove, let me tell you that nothing works for me as well as getting the hell away from my computer and out of the house and sitting in a cafe with nothing but a nice pen and an empty legal pad to keep me company. The nice pen is important. Fancy pens make you want to write.

Actually, I also had Fizzgigg to keep me company. The weather today was fabulous, at least 70 degrees, so I took him with me and we sat out on the patio. He got bits of scone and his own cup of water and plenty of attention from passersby, not to mention that he got to go bye-bye in the car, so he was in teeny doggie heaven.

I got a pretty good start on the next scene in my episode. I think that's something else that's important re: this particular method of getting unblocked -- not doing too much by hand (unless, of course, that's how you usually write anyway). I just get it started, then I make myself quit while I know what happens next. Then I come home and type up what I wrote and go from there. It's interesting, I find that writing by hand makes it easier to sink into the story and filter out everything else, but then as I don't write longhand very often my hand gets tired and I tend to rush the story. So all in all I'm better off writing via computer. Writing longhand is a great way to get myself going, though. And that's it for the unsolicited writing advice portion of today's entry.

What else? Oh! Things are looking up on the car front. There's really a snowman's chance in Texas of my brother getting a car running tomorrow, but my mom has really been wanting to get herself a new vehicle anyway, and she's looked over her finances and decided that she can afford to do so. So she's going to buy herself a new car and give me her minivan, since it's newer and more reliable than my car anyway. I don't know when this will happen, but it will be soon. So, yay! On the other hand, the trunk of my car has been doubling as extra storage space ever since I moved here, so now I have to figure out where I'm going to put all that crap. Hopefully there's room in the non-habitable portions of the attic, because there's not any more room in the part that I live in. That's really a minor problem, though, and one I'm happy to have to solve.

Didn't go to internship. Got a little sidetracked as I was leaving when my mom caught up with me, freaking out because she found a dog in my brother's yard that apparently his dog had mauled. She didn't know whether it was still alive and she had no idea what to do, so I went down to check, and it was indeed still alive. As we were trying to rein Tyson in, it got up and managed to crawl across the street before it collapsed. So we went and got a blanket and the van and took it in to the emergency vet. He was so torn up, mom couldn't even stand to look at him, let alone touch him, so I had to do all the wrapping and carrying, and I sat with him in the back seat. He was pretty clearly a stray, probably somebody dumped him out here hoping us or one of the neighbors would take him in. And we probably would have if there'd been much hope for recovery, but even if we'd been able to pay for surgery it was a pretty slim chance he'd pull through, as he was also starved (we think he was probably trying to get to Tyson's food when Tyson jumped him) and dehydrated and had all kinds of infections, and his heart was so weak there was a good chance the anesthesia would stop it and kill him anyway if they tried surgery. So mom went ahead and signed off for him to be put to sleep. The whole time she kept going on about how I should have been a vet because she was so impressed with how I held it together to get him taken care of, but as she was settling up I had to go sit in the van and completely break down. Oh good, now I'm crying again. Poor little guy.

I've been up for thirty minutes and already I'm bleeding. Y'know, I really think it's cruel and unusual punishment to have a cat declawed, but sometimes I think it might be an exception in Niblet's case. It'd be removing her instruments of evil. I'm gonna make an appointment to finally get her spayed over spring break. Hopefully that'll settle her down. Settling her down to the point that I'd stand a chance of pinning her down and clipping those little razor blades of terror would be a good, but I won't hold my breath on that count.

Didn't go to class this morning because -- say it with me -- mom needed the van. But I don't so much mind, as I really needed the excuse to sleep in. She's picking up some friends at the airport who are going to be staying with us for a while. They used to be our neighbors but now they're missionaries in the Phillipines and they're back home for a month or so. As long as they don't drink up all my coffee or eat all my bananas or invade my personal space we should all get along fine. I've a feeling the transportation problem is about to get far more complicated, though. Let's all cross our fingers in the hopes that my brother gets his hippie van running this weekend.

Li'l Sis's first baby shower at her mother-in-law's got postponed to this Sunday on account of all that snow, so that's one thing I'll be doing this weekend. I'd really kinda like to stay home tomorrow to get stuff done, but my mom is hosting another baby shower downstairs for this girl from her church whom I went to high school with who was kind of a snot, and I don't really want to be around for that. I need to see if Tess wants to go catch a matinee of something. I don't even know what movies are playing right now. But surely we can find something we can both agree on. Then again, I really, really want to just stay home tomorrow. I need to clean, and I need to write. Sigh. I wish I could not go to Sis's shower without people giving me guilt. Like it's not enough that I'm hosting a shower for her in a couple of weeks.

I have to go get around and go intern for a few hours, and new Farscape is on tonight, and I should work out at some point because yesterday's yoga didn't really count. Other than that, though, my evening is pretty free. Hopefully I'll be able to get some writing done tonight. Friday night is usually a pretty slow AIM night, so that should help. I've got vague ideas for a couple more garden fic installments, but I kinda want to wait and see if I can still make them tie in to canon. Though, I suppose since Buffy's gettin' busy with Spike once again in my little garden-verse I've officially gone AU and I might as well say screw canon and do my thang. We'll see. DL needs to be my priority right now anyway. DL really needs to be everybody's priority right now if we're going to finish before the show does (*looks sternly at the DL crew*).

Drat. I guess I also have to set aside some time to answer e-mail tonight. Meant to do that this morning but this entry took longer than I expected and now I have to go get ready to leave. So if you're waiting to hear from me, it'll have to be later. Sorry!

Today was long. And hard. Just like this post.

It started out with my mom coming in my room at 7:30 to get Fizzgigg, because he and her dog Bonnie both had appointments with the groomer. She woke me up to ask me where his collar was. It was with his leash. Then I had to offer several possibilities as to where his leash would be before she left. She must've found it because she didn't come back, and I managed to fall back to sleep just in time for some extremely hazy dream weirdness before the alarm went off and I had to get up. I didn't go to my AM class, because really, I'm all talked, read and listened out on Marx's theories and I had a test this afternoon that I still wasn't prepared for. Had enough time to have my coffee and a banana and to get a wee bit of studying in before I had to get dressed and go pick up the dogs, since I had agreed to pick them up on the way home from my morning class.

Got to the groomer's okay. Bonnie was sitting behind the pet gate looking well groomed and cute but forlorn when I walked in. --Gah! I just choked on my Mudslide! Yes, I have Mudslides. More on that later. I swallowed it down the wrong pipe and spewed it everywhere. I drank some water but I can't stop coughing. Gag. Literally. Anyway, back to our tale of grooming woe-- The groomer got Bonnie back up on the table and put some gunk on her foot, explaining that they'd had a slight nail filing mishap and that her paw was bleeding, but that the gunk should make it stop. Then she turned Bonnie loose and went to load her in the van while they fetched Fizzgigg.

When I went back in for him, he was on his leash (Mom found it, yay!) in the lobby, being led by the groomer's little boy who couldn't have been more than 5. That was an adorable sight to behold. Even so, my heart sank a little when I saw Fizz. Not that she did a bad job, she made him look like the toy poodle that he is (puppy cut, mind you, not the poufy poodle puffball haircut), and while he's still cute, he just looks like an entirely different dog and it always takes some getting used to. I really wish I could just keep him shaggy. If I had the time and patience to brush him regularly, I probably would, but I don't, so it's not such a good idea. But when his hair's all grown out he's so scruffy and puppy-like and he looks exactly like a Muppet and he is just So. Frickin'. Cute. It'll take about a month till he starts to look that cute again. But oh well, he always seems to feel better after a hair cut (not to mention about a half a pound lighter), and with impending warm weather, it was time.

I get back out to the van and we get underway when I discover that Bonnie has not stopped bleeding. It's not gushing or anything, but she's tracking spots of doggie blood all over the van. Ew. So I find a napkin and I'm trying to get her to let me wrap it around her paw and she's extremely disgruntled and gnawing on my hand and I'm paying more attention to her than the road and I come thisclose to knocking over a mailbox. At which point I pull over and at least make her let me spread napkins out on the chair beneath her. She growled at me the entire time, but she let me. She's really not a mean dog, she was just terribly upset. So I loved on her and calmed her down, and eventually we all made it home in one piece, and by then she really did stop bleeding and seemed to be in a much better mood.

Once the dogs were squared away, I had a few hours left to study -- which, since it was open book, consisted mostly of marking key pages with Post-its -- and grab a bite to eat. Mom got home from wherever it was she had gone, having convinced a friend to drive out to our house and pick her up for a change, and reminded me that she had a doctor's appointment this afternoon so I had to come straight home after class so she could have the van. She has high blood pressure, by the way. They don't know why. She's scheduled for a whole bunch of tests a couple of weeks from now. Anyway, I went to class, took the test, didn't write fast enough (nor did anybody else because nobody finished before the class was scheduled to end), so I didn't finish. Well, I did, just barely, but I had to rush through the last couple of questions and give incomplete answers and I didn't even have time to look at the extra credit questions. So, I could've done better, if I'd had more time. Which I would have, seeing as how the prof was letting us take as much time as we needed to get through it, had I not had to get the van back home for my mom. Grr. Arrgh.

I also needed to go to the store. So I called mom and told her I'd just pick her up and drive her to the doctor so I could do my shopping while she was there. I figured I could use the drive time to talk to her about this vehicular situation, which has really got to end. Then it occurred to me that my brother's wife would probably tag along, so I called back to see, and sure enough, she was coming too. So I told my mom all about how I probably missed out on an A because I had to stop taking the test so I could get the car back to her. I almost broke down over the phone, telling her that I don't care if it's selfish, I need my car back and I want it back now, and it wasn't right for her to just give it away without consulting me in the first place, and all the while I'm kinda feeling like a shit because I know she's going to the doctor for her high blood pressure and I don't want to give her stress, but dammit, this is ridiculous! My brother's car got stolen months ago and when he "borrowed" my car to begin with it was only supposed to be for a week, two tops.

I know some of you are thinking that I should just talk to him about it myself, but, well, my brother and I aren't close, we hardly ever talk beyond small talk and the occasional joking around, and we're both extremely non-confrontational. As such I know he'd just tell me what I wanted to hear, fully believing it at the time, and I'd take him at his word fully knowing that I shouldn't, and it would be unproductive and 27 different shades of weird.

So mom agreed to talk to him. Which, she told me a short while ago, she did, and as a result he's going to stay home on Sunday to try to get one of his many ancient, piece o' crap, nonfunctional VWs to function. And if he doesn't get one running? I don't know. I guess I'll have to have another mini-breakdown.

Anyway. Got mom to the doctor, convinced sis-in-law to stay and keep her company as I really needed some alone time, did my shopping and, on a whim, did something I've never done before and popped into a local liquor store and grabbed a 4-pack of Kahlua Mudslides. It just seemed like something that would be nice to have tonight, even though I'd be violating two rules I've set for myself regarding alcohol, which are to not drink alone and to not drink in my mother's house. But at least I stuck to my two-drink limit, and spaced them out at that, so the only ill-effects I suffered was the near death incident mentioned above. Got back to the doctor, chatted with sis-in-law whilst waiting a really long time for my mommy to finish up, then we all got home just in time for me to do some yoga before Survivor came on. Which I did, and at 7 PM CST settled into my sofa feeling all relaxed and refreshed and turned on my TV to see not Jeff and the castaways but Dubya instead.

Insert long, tired, frustrated sigh here.

I sat through the speech, feeling very sad about the entire situation, and eating frozen pizza (except, cooked). Then my show finally came on. I want to root for the women, I really do. But I just like the guys better. This week, at least. And Heidi needs somebody to slap every last ounce of shit out of her. Had my first Mudslide of the evening while I watched, and after I felt pretty mellow and de-stressed. So I showered and put on my jammies, then I remade my bed with this fancy-schmancy fluffy, foamy mattress pad my mom ordered for us both that arrived today, and now I'm done with my second Mudslide, having spewed a good portion of it all over my computer, and as of now I'm all about chatting and catching up. I'm going to be very disgruntled again if nobody's on AIM to talk to me. And also if I keep glitching like I did last night. But for now I'm feeling pretty good.

Scary DL search referrals of the day (she wrote, as if she does this daily):

• demon lawn statuary
  
  
• postmortem bruising

Why can't you people just search "Buffy Spike naked" like everybody else?

***

It's snowing, but not much, and it's not sticking. So, lunch, then internship for me. I'm currently planning on spending a couple of hours at the Borders cafe afterwards to study, but that won't happen if it's still snowing by then, seeing as how I'll need to get home before it turns dark and freezing.

Huh. I just saw a commercial for the United Methodist Church that sounded more like they're operating under Unitarian doctrine these days. Just, huh. We went to a Methodist church when I was little, and they weren't like that then.

Anyway. During class I wrote down snippets of dialogue for the fic that will hopefully turn into a tie-in novel (and if not will eventually get posted as a fic). So those are out of my brain and secured on paper now.

I think I'm going to save my Hershey bar to eat tonight while I watch Angel.

Shut the fuck up, Ace, you big, unfunny, hypocritical liar-girl.

Finished paper. Up at 6 AM to do so. Can't speak for quality, but at least it's done. Leaving to turn it in now. Am too tired for pronouns. Still haven't eaten celebratory Hershey bar. Maybe for lunch.

Faith tonight. Yay!

I keep getting cut breaks, thank Jesus. Apparently I was in the extreme minority in my History & Systems class for having done well on the last test, because this week's test is going to have only half as many questions as the last one and it will be open book/note. That takes a lot of pressure off. Means I can go ahead and watch Angel, for one thing. Might even mean I can chat about it after.

So, I did get to spend most of the day at the library after all, mostly studying for said test. Needless to say, I'm pretty fried. I think I need to just sit here doing nothing for a while before I go work out. I might even forego aerobics and break out my old yoga video instead, because I'm really feeling the need to relieve some stress. Then again, it's warmed up quite a bit, so maybe I'll just go for a walk. Oh joy, decisions. Whichever I do, after that I'd better get my rear in gear and actually write that paper. It's only five pages, it really shouldn't be that hard.

Hmm. I might walk to the convience store and buy some chocolate with which to reward myself once the paper's done. That kinda defeats the original purpose of the walk, but I figure the mile walk will cancel out the chocolate and I can still feel good about it. Dieter's logic. Don't argue with it.

So, so glad everything tonight is reruns.

Turned out my sister didn't want me to go in to the classroom today anyway, as she was bringing Nephew #2 over to visit. So that killed a couple of hours, and then I found some more things to do to facilitate procrastination, including but not limited to: answering e-mail, making tea, playing with Fizzgigg and watching Oprah. Eventually I managed to create a title page, type up my reference section (with my one reference) and knock out an outline before I gave up. I'm just not capable of writing a paper any earlier than the night before it's due. Maybe the adrenaline rush brought on by trying to beat a deadline at the last minute helps me stay focused. Or something.

So instead I started studying for my History & Systems test. Which was broken up by a re-watch of "Fool for Love" on FX followed by "Bachelor Party" on the Angel DVDs. When I turned off the DVD player I caught the last few minutes of I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here and kinda regretted not watching it but then figured The Surreal Life was probably a lot more fun anyway. Squeezed in another hour of reading and highlighting before Miracles came on, which I actually remembered to watch this time. I was good, though. I studied during commercials (heh, originally I wrote "between commercials," which is kind of a funny typo).

Tonight's Miracles featured a creepy-ass little ghost girl, but not nearly so creepy/mindnumbingly & pants-wettingly terrifying as that little ghost girl from The Ring, so I could handle her. By the by, I'd really appreciate it if they'd stop running such frequent advertisements for The Ring on DVD, especially not when I've just settled on the sofa and pulled the TV cart over really close for better viewing and trapped myself in with nowhere to go should, say, a freaky little girl crawl out of a well and out of my TV to get me, and instead am stuck hiding my face in a throw pillow and plugging my ears and humming and rocking myself gently until the bad commercial goes away.

*ahem*

So tonight wasn't a total loss, even if it wasn't as productive as I'd planned. I need to put away the H&S text and read up on Marx for tomorrow's Social Theory class. I think between classes tomorrow I'll go to the library instead of coming home, and work on more test preparation. I need to turn in some overdue books anyway. If I come home I know I'll just fart around on the 'net instead of working. Actually, I'll probably do that some at the library too, but at least I'll be in an environment that's conducive to studying and won't have to combat bids for attention from Fizzgigg or the cats. Or my mom, for that matter. Oh, that's right, speaking of my mom, I have to ask and see if she needs the van for anything between my classes tomorrow. Crappity crap. This is getting so far beyond old that it's circled back 'round to young again. I want my car back!!! So maybe I won't be staying at the library tomorrow. Feh.

I went to class this morning, and even though getting up that early after a whole week of snow-pardoned sleeping in was almost physically painful and I was running late so I didn't have time even to heat up coffee to take with me and as such I pretty much dozed through most of the class, I'm glad I went, because I found out that he moved the due date for our papers to Wednesday. I'm SO glad that I didn't bust my ass getting it done last night.

I should go to internship today, because there's nothing in the rules that says you don't have to show up if your supervisor doesn't, but Nephew #2 is on leave from military school (did I mention he went to military school this semester? Voluntarily, too. It was all his idea. They love him there because he's the only kid who's there because he wants to be and not because he's in trouble) and my sister took the day off to spend with him. So I'm using that as an excuse to stay home and write my paper. On the bright side, at least my schooling got hectic after February sweeps so I don't have to worry about how I'm gonna see all my shows and still get it all done. Oh, but Faith's on Angel this week! Damn. I really hope I don't end up having to tape that to watch after Thursday's test. Three weeks was a long enough wait. Whimper.

Sonuva...!

*bangs forehead on desk*

*stops and rubs sore spot on forehead grumpily*

*cries*

Okay, so, the test I've been reading for all weekend isn't until the 10th. I was right the first time. The five-page article review, however, is most definitely due tomorrow. At least I finally found an article I could use. Stupid library for not letting us access J-Stor from home. So, guess what I'll be doing all night? Grumble grumble. Actually, he's only taking 3 points off for each day late, so it might behoove me to give myself an extra day to work on it. A high A minus 3 points is still an A, after all.

I'm mostly frustrated because I haven't done this sort of thing since the first time I went to college ten years ago, when it happened chronically and my grades got all screwed up over it. Stupid ADD. If I keep pulling stuff like this I really will have to get back on the meds.

Also frustrated because I double and triple checked and Thursday's big, scary essay test is still really this Thursday and I could have spent all of my study time this weekend prepping for that instead.

Schtupid Jeanie Dummy Girl.

Well, kiss a pig. I looked at my Marriage & Family syllabus again tonight to see which chapters are on Monday's test and realized that I have a five page paper due this week. Doesn't say which day, just says this week. I'm pretty sure I have until Wednesday, 'cause, test on Monday. And I have another test Thursday in History & Systems -- another big, scary essay test that I'm totally unprepared for.

Sigh.

The paper shouldn't be that hard to knock out, though, and Monday's test won't be hard, so all I've got to do for that is actually read the text. Only one more chapter to go on that.

A week of hanging around the house in sweats and jammies left me feeling the need to feel pretty and to get out of the house, so I got around and took my textbook to Borders and had myself a nice grande caramel latte while I studied. I promised myself that if I got through 2 chapters while there that I could spend $20 before I left, which I did on both counts. Took a while to decide what I wanted, but I came away with three CDs from the 3 for $25 table -- Ella Fitzgerald, The Best of the Song Books: The Ballads; Fiona Apple, When the Pawn, and Jeff Beck, Truth, which is rather disappointing because I apparently had a brain fart and thought I was bringing home some Jeff Buckley -- and These Our Actors by Ashley McConnell and Dori Koogler. I figure if I want to write a Buffy tie-in novel, then I should read some. This one had Spike on the cover. I'm so easy. Anyway, I realized that was quite a bit more than $20, but as often as I don't buy music and considering the bargain, I managed to justify it.

I may or may not have seen Brit Boy in the cafe. He got up and left before I could get a good look at him. I actually got up too, determined to determine if it was really him and to actually talk to him if it was (I even had a legitimate, school-related question), but I turned around to put my mug in the bin and when I turned back he was gone. I didn't find him again. I'm just going to assume it wasn't really him and stop torturing myself over it. I did, however, see two other people from my classes, so apparently that Borders is a popular destination for the RSU SBS department. I realize 3 (or possibly 4) students converging there doesn't really make it count as "popular, but seeing as how that's the only place I've ever run into any of these people off campus, it's close enough. Maybe if I start going there regularly again one of these days I really will run into Brit Boy.

On the drive in I thought up a theory about the sudden spike (no pun intended -- okay, maybe a little) in Spuffy fic after GiD. I mean, the coat, sure. Rowr. But I think perhaps the dearth of fic this season has been in part because we weren't so sure about his characterization anymore. Is he schizo and delusional? Is he broody and self-tortured? Is he shy and sweet and occasionally snarky? Which is it? But then he put on the coat, and suddenly, hey! We know this guy! We can write him! Or maybe not. It made more sense to me in the car.

I should go find and print an article over which to write my paper. Bleah.