It's Clem!

As predicted, I'm thoroughly ashamed of last night's late-night whining session. But I can't completely regret it, because it convinced Aurelio Zen to go ahead and finish Vita Nova, if only so she can avoid coming across as the whiney little bitch that I am (KIDDING, AZ!). Much thanks to everyone who wrote to tell me that I don't suck. I feel bad, because I really wasn't fishing for praise, but even so, it has made my day. Because the heart of the matter, which I never got around to stating last night, is, if I can't cut it writing fanfic, then what the hell makes me think I stand an ice cube's chance in Texas in July of ever writing professionally? I even got up today and started looking up GMAT study guides, convinced that I'd just better resign myself to going to grad school so I can get one o' them there job thingies because I'll never have the career I really want. But now I'm feeling much better and thinking I should just shut my gob and go write.

I plan to answer all the e-mail individually at some point today. All of my e-mail, going back to the stuff I put off in favor of end-of-term school work.

Damn. I have so much to do. I gotta get some sort of system. Staying up till 6 AM, sleeping till 3 PM, then sitting down to write but not really writing anything and surfing instead, and intermittently remembering to take care of some of the many other things that need to be taken care of ... this just isn't cutting it. I need to pull out my Dayrunner and start structuring my days better. I still have so much to do for the band just to get them started. And there's still the cleaning. And I need to start riding my bike regularly. Yesterday I saw a picture of myself from a couple of months ago and it's clear that I spend way too damn much time sitting on my ass in front of the computer. I have got to get into better shape.

In other news, Getaway 5 is halfway written, and I've devised a cunning plan to fit more links over there on the sidebar without stretching it out of the frame. Okay, not so much cunning, but at least it's a plan.

I'm off to brave the heat and ride my bike. Because exercise really is a good, non-evil thing, right? Eh, I'm not totally convinced, but I'm willing to give it a go. Later.

Warning: This post contains whining.

It's very late, and I'm probably going to regret this outburst of honesty in the morning, but right now I need to unburden, so what the hell?

I'm sitting here asking myself why the hell do I bother with fanfic, even as I'm working on Getaway. I mean, there are the excuses I make to the very few people who know me in real life who also know that I write fic, such as that it's good a good way to practice the craft and ... well, that's really the only one that they buy. But I'll be honest and say that a big reason for writing fanfic is the instant gratification of feedback. When you send an original story off to an editor, it takes weeks to hear back, and then when you do, at least in my experience, it's rejection; but you post a fanfic, and you get reviews, sometimes you get criticism, and sometimes you get fan mail. And perhaps the most gratifying, you see word-of-mouth recommendations about your story.

Except that I haven't gotten much of any of that lately. Especially not that last one. Usually I can take it in stride, but more and more I'm seeing recommendation lists that are full of orgiastic love for stories that I personally consider mediocre, and some of the stories out there with the more wildly devoted fan followings are stories that I myself think just suck outright. So now I have to ask myself, is my judgment that skewed? Can I really not recognize quality when I see it? Does my own writing suck *that bad* that authors who don't even give consideration to such things as grammar and spelling or good characterization or conceivable plots get labeled "best fic ever!" while my stories don't even make the list (Dancing Lessons, granted, often makes the list, but if you were to read recommendation lists you would never know that A) it was written by other people besides me and B) I've written quite a bit of other stuff that has nothing to do with DL)?

And it's not just me. I'm also extremely peeved by the lack of attention paid to other of the DL authors. adjrun's Awkward Phase and Aurelio Zen's Vita Nova are, in my opinion, some of the best S/B fics out there, with excellent plot concepts, great pacing, spot on characterization and dialogue, and just the right balance of humor, angst, and romance ... and yet these fics rarely make people's lists and the authors hardly receive any reader feedback for them. Both fics might have been finished by now if they'd received the acclaim they deserve, and now, due in large part to the lackluster response it received, Vita Nova probably won't be continued further.

When I do get an e-mail from a reader (and I do get some -- as a matter of fact a good portion of the e-mail I'm feeling so guilty about not answering is reader feedback), it usually begins with something like, "I've never written to a fic author before, I know you probably hear this all the time ..." and ends with "Sorry to bother you!" People! Your feedback is the ficwriter's bread-and-butter! Please give it! You have no idea how many times a nice letter or review or comment on a discussion board about one of my stories has totally made my day.

So. My ego is bruised. Not so much from a lack of feedback as from being held in such low esteem in the fic community compared to some other writers whom I, as a reader, consider to be lacking in either talent or skill, and sometimes both. I admit that I'm a snob and I have pretty high standards about what I'll spend the time to read and label "good" or "great," but this makes me have to question my own talent and skill, and whether I really have as much of either as my beta-readers and all five of my devoted readers claim. But you know what? Screw it. Because the small group of people who consistently read and comment on my fic are people whom I know possess buttloads of talent and skill in their own right, and who also have discerning tastes and give a damn about quality. And if they're the only ones who ever read and respond to my work, I'll keep writing it for them. Barring that, I'll keep writing it for myself, for my own enjoyment, because that is the real best reason for writing fanfic.

Please forgive me for the tantrum, especially for the parts where I came dangerously close to sounding like her. You can trust that I'll smack myself for it after I've had a good night's sleep.

Everybody should pay a visit to Winslowville, the virtual home of a very good friend of mine, Winslow Oddfellow II. Winslow happens to be quite the talented writer. His alter ego is a very intelligent elementary student from my sister's class.

Barb's end-of-season review-cum-letter to ME. I pretty much agree with everything therein.

PRETTY!

I knocked out several scenes for 3.6 yesterday, so I think I'm in good enough shape to lay that aside long enough to finish Getaway. It shouldn't be too long before I'm ready to submit part 5 to the beta readers, at least not once I sit down to write. But first I've got to do some cleaning. My kitten officially became a cat the other day, and she's settled down enough that I think it's finally not fruitless to pick up the messes she made. Plus, my carpet is so nasty I don't even want to think about it. So we're talking heavy-duty cleaning, with lawn-sized garbage bags and carpet steamers and what-all. Of course there's just no way I can do it all at once. I'm thinking a couple hours a day of concentrated effort will get it done soon enough.

I also have to stop at some point long enough to write up the materials for the band's press kit. Bit it'll still be well over a week before their 8x10s are ready, so I've got some leeway there.

Also? I think I'm getting close to sitting down to answer my e-mail. I know, I suck. It's because I know I suck that it's taken me so long to answer all of it. It's this whole get-over-the-guilt-and-just-do-it-already thing that I'm still working up to. But I think I'm almost there.

So my mom made these wheat rolls, and if you take them and slice them in half, stick a slab of butter on top of each, sprinkle with some garlic powder and parmesan and pop in the toaster oven for a few minutes? That's some good eatin'.

In other news, DL 3.6 is on a roll (heh). I wrote two and a half scenes last night, and sitting down to it today, I'm not even a little bit blocked. I hope this trend carries through the whole chapter. It'd be nice if it carried through the the rest of my projects, but that's probably too much to ask.

That horizontal scrollbar is back on the bottom of this frame and I've no idea why.

Still feeling crappy. Summer colds are no fun. Especially not when they settle in your chest and make you have to keep horking up nasty crud all day long (Hello to the imagery!). I have even less energy than usual. I finally went to town and got some non-drowsy medicine, so at least I get to stay conscious. I did get a couple of hours last night of feeling well enough to clean my bathroom, so there's something accomplished. Go me.

Today I've been mostly sacked out on the sofa watching the Trading Spaces marathon, and feeling guilty about it until I remembered that today's a holiday and nobody else is getting any work done today either. I finally started burning all of the CDs that I've been promising people for months and months. So, hopefully, those'll go out this week.

Damn me and my obsessive one-track brain, I've come up with another epic fic idea. I'm never going to be able to stop writing fanfic. It is apparently my crack. I need an intervention. Not that any of my online buddies are going to give me one. Last night I told Abby about my idea and she threatened to do something heinous to me if I don't write it. Enabler. Ah well. It actually works well for me to have more than one story going at a time, because if I get stuck on one I can always go work on the other and still feel like I've done something. But three fics and a novel are too much for even my fractured attention span to handle, so this new one'll have to wait until Getaway's done. Which shouldn't be too much longer, seeing as how it only has two installments left to go. But right now DL 3.6 needs to be my top priority, since that's the only one with a deadline, and after the way I've been bitching at everyone else about being so far behind on the deadlines, I can't really afford to be late with my episode.

I posted part 4 of Getaway today. I was bad and didn't wait for all of my betas to get back to me, but I was just too eager to be done with it and move on.

So today was to be all about that, and cleaning. But I woke up feeling crappy, so I took some Benadryl, which made me able to breathe, but overall just made me feel crappier. And sleepy. So, so sleepy. After I posted the fic I figured I could go plop in a comfy chair and watch a movie until the feeling passed, so I watched Star Wars (the original -- and y'know, it's really not fair to bag on Natalie Portman's acting without pointing out that Carrie Fisher had quite a few line deliveries that were pretty dodgy), and fell asleep during the Death Star sequence. The dogs woke me just in time to see it blow up. Then I gave up and went to bed.

I think the stuff's worn off now. Woke up again a couple of hours ago, and just finished watching "Once More, With Feeling," a.k.a. the episode that finally made me care about Buffy for Buffy's sake and not just for how she affects Spike. The part where she sings about how she got brought back from Heaven had me crying. This effect appears to be retroactive, as I finally took some time out yesterday to watch some of the Season 1 DVDs and got all choked up over "Prophecy Girl." Plus, OMWF had the smoochies. Something I expect to see a lot more of next season, now that Spike's been soul-ex-machinaed into the Perfect Boyfriend for Buffy.

Now I'm off to beta someone else's fic for a change, then hopefully I'll be able to write something. Or maybe I'll answer some of the e-mail that I'm embarrassingly and inexcusably behind on. Or possibly I'll just take more Benadryl and go read some Harry Potter until I pass out. Later.

I got stuff done today! Go me! Laundry (and isn't that exciting, boys and girls?), and lots of band manager type stuff. And speaking of the band, their MP3.com page is up and running with all of the music from their CD. Just go to their site and click "Downloads." If practice doesn't get rescheduled on me again, tomorrow I'll be meeting with them to pick out photos for their press kit and CD covers, so before too much longer we should have CDs available to purchase.

Also, they're on the soundtrack for this movie. I didn't have anything to do with that, but it's pretty cool nonetheless.

So. Buffy. Because I'm far too lazy to come up with new thoughts, here's what I wrote about it in the Clubhouse:

I need to watch it again, but right now I can't think of a single thing I didn't like about this episode. Well, I do think they could've stood to shave a couple of minutes of Willow's screen time to focus more on Spike's trials. That deserved the same kind of poignancy as what he went through in "Intervention," but it didn't get it. But then, if they'd chosen to use those couple minutes simply to linger on the beauty that is Spike in all his shirtless glory, I'd've been cool with that too. There just aren't enough words to convey how beautiful that man is.

I knew Giles was going to show up at some point, but by the time he did I'd forgetten to watch for him, and his entrance knocked me out of my chair as sure as it knocked Willow on her skanky evil ass. This was followed by sqealing, and then wildly giggling all through the commercial. I think I also hugged my dog. LOVED that immediately after Buffy confessed she'd been sleeping with Spike, he burst into laughter. Loved that whole scene. And when he said he was dying I shouted right along with Anya, "No you're not!" I missed Giles so much. I wish he could stay. Damn ASH for being a family man.

Also, I share in the Anya love.

Apparently it was Mercedes McNab's turn to wear the flaming liar pants, because I read an interview with her just a few weeks ago in which she said she was appearing in the final two eps. Alas, no Harmony. Also, people who were asked not to share their spoiler knowledge with me nevertheless dropped unsubtle hints that Juliette Landau was also supposed to appear in the last ep. So I kept expecting Dru and Harmony to show up and for Spike to have to kill them to pass his tests. I'm a little disappointed that they didn't go there.

As for Spike, I'm going to assume that he's only been ensouled until I see otherwise onscreen. He was a souled being before, and he's been returned to a souled being. That's as valid an interpretation as any, and I fear if I get too literal in my interpretation I'll be disappointed. Or possibly relieved. But probably the former, because if I start believing that they made him human I'll talk myself out of all of my reservations over the summer and be in love with the idea by the time next season begins. And I have way more reservations about him being human than I do about him being souled.

Anyway. This is not an Angel retread. They both have souls now, but that's where the similarities end. One, Angel's soul is a curse, a punishment; Spike's is a reward, one that I believe he sought out, regardless of the ambiguity regarding such. As others have pointed out, the wording of his lines suggests that he knew exactly what he was getting as much as it
suggests he expected to get dechipped. Even if consciously, he just wanted to get rid of the chip, subconsciously, this was what he really wanted; but I think it was a conscious choice, and that the anger in his tone was because, as willing as he was to take on a soul for Buffy, he resented that he had to resort to that in order to be good enough for her. And I'm pretty
much right there with him, even though I do understand why it was a necessary step to get past Buffy's guard.

Two, Spike is far too practical-minded and action-oriented to sit around and brood. He is not a Champion for the PTB. He's all about Buffy. Part of the problems with Angel was that he felt he had to put his and Buffy's duty to fight the good fight above their feelings for each other. I don't think Spike will ever have that problem. His only duty is to Buffy.

Three, no happiness clause. As I said before, this is not a curse. Spike gets to be happy. Hence, I would imagine, why he had to pass all of those tests to earn his soul. He did earn it, so he gets to keep it. He and Buffy can have all the perfect happiness they want to have. And I imagine they'll have quite a lot of it after they make up. I imagine they'll have quite a lot of make-up perfect happiness, for that matter.

As much as I don't think he's human now, I do suspect that this is a step in that direction. As Terrence pointed out, this puts Spike in line to receive Shanshu. Which cracks me up, because as much as I love Angel, he's at his best when he's suffering, and how funny -- er, I mean, tragic -- would it be for him to lose his big reward to Spike? But Spike has already fought on
the side of good through just as many apocalypses as -- and maybe more than -- Angel has. The Prophecy of Aberjian could just as easily apply to Spike as to Angel. God, I wish they could have crossovers, because this would screw with W&H so much if they knew about it. Hee.

And, by the way, Jane Espenson said last night on the Succubus Club that getting his soul back was indeed Spike's intention all along. So, Yay!

Today I'm all about the writin'.

Yesterday I was all about the readin'. Finished the Christopher Moore book that I started over Christmas vacation, and finally started in on the Harry Potter series. So far the first book is very much like the movie. So much so that I'm wondering if I can just skip it and move on. But no, that would be wrong. If I'm going to read the series, I have to read the whole series, in order. It's the principle, you see.

I was going to go visit my sister's class today to say goodbye to the kids before school lets out for summer, but I slept too late again. Tomorrow I'm going to drag my arse out of bed in time to go.

So. Star Wars. Spoilers ahoy.

Anakin and Padme (and why does her name always make me snicker?) are no Han and Leia, let's just get that out of the way right now. Hey, George? It's called sexual tension, and it's what makes onscreen romance interesting. Haydn Christianson and Natalie Portman have zero chemistry together. Other than knowing that they have to get together and make babies, you really just don't care that they're going to hook up. Maybe that's the problem. You already know they're going to hook up, so there's no suspense, and Padme's initial weak rejections just don't ring true.

Sigh.

Regardless, there was lots and lots of cool stuff. Seeing Yoda fight is alone worth the price of admission. Plus, Sam Jackson finally gets some light saber action. And I'm finally clear on just how Owen and Beru Lars are related to the Skywalkers, so that's one mystery solved. And a rain-soaked Ewan McGregor makes any movie better. I really have to see this movie again before I form a solid opinion, but I can safely say that Empire Strikes Back doesn't have to worry about losing its place as best movie of the entire series.

So last night -- or should I say, early this morning -- was the first time I've been able to focus enough to actually write something. Wrote almost a whole scene for Getaway. Of course, I thought I'd have all of part 4 finished by now, but all I've got is almost a whole first scene. Feh.

I did however manage to sit down and hash out a rough outline for my novel. I'm calling it Modern Brides, and it focuses on the three brides of Dracula in the present day. I will say that I originally conceived it as a Drac/Harmony DL meta-fic, but then I remembered that I'm not writing any more fanfic after DL is done, and then it occurred to me that neither Dracula nor his brides are creations of Mutant Enemy and they're in the public domain. So all I have to do is ditch Harmony and any other Buffy-verse associations and voila, I've got the makings of an original story. Stick close to the Stoker mythology and toss in a sexy but clueless vampire hunter who is the last of the Van Helsing line, and I've got the mix of horror and dark romantic dramedy that I like so well. So, yay. Looking forward to writing this story.

Since pretty much everybody got caught up in the mess last week, DL is behind again. Not that it was ever caught up in the first place. So if you're wondering when the next episode will go live, I have no idea. I know it's in progress, but I haven't actually seen any of it yet. But 6 and 7 are also already in progress, so hopefully it won't be as long a wait for those two, at least.

I'm going to see Star Wars tonight. I'm really proud of the amount of restraint I've shown for this round, considering that last time I was one of the diehards helping to organize lines and other celebratory events and standing in line for hours and hours to see the very first midnight showing. Although, really, my restraint can be attributed almost completely to being plum exhausted. Also, I avoided as much of the hype for this one as I possibly could. I'm not so good with movie reviews, so I doubt I'll post one; but I expect to like it. I'm so easy to please, and I'm totally George's bitch. I actually liked Phantom Menace, and I didn't hate Jar Jar. I also lack the deep resentment of the Ewoks that so many SW fans have embraced. I think sometimes the fans tend to get possessive and imagine all kinds of ways they could have done it better, and they forget that these movies are for little kids as much as they're for anybody else. Hence why so many of us first became Star Wars fans when we were still in pre-school. So, get over the kiddie stuff, and focus on the kick-ass cool stuff, and just be glad to have some new Star Wars. And if you really think you could've done it better, well, that's what fanfic is for.

You know, I really don't think I'm as much of a misfit as these quizzes would have me believe.

You are Peter Parker!
Take the Which Spider-Man Character Are You? quiz by ZyberGoat

First thing's first: Yay for Team Boston! I was rooting for them or Team Cha Cha Cha, and since the Chas got eliminated last week, I was pretty much just rooting for Boston. Actually, I was rooting for anyone but Wil. If Tara and Wil had won, I would've had to go lie down and cry again.

Yesterday has reminded me that I'm less of a confronty type and more of a hide under my blankie type. Literally. My inner bitch needs a workout so she won't be afraid to become my outer bitch when the need arises.

Guh. I was up until 4 this morning, and I didn't get back up until 2 PM today. I can't do this. Last summer I got my sleep schedule entirely turned around. Although really, I can't think of a pressing reason why this was a bad thing, other than that it falls outside social norms. It's not like any of the work I do can't be done at odd hours or in the wee small hours of the morning. So, never mind. I'll sleep normal hours when I'm back in school. At any rate, I really need to get myself some structure. A system. Something. Something needs to be done so that I actually get stuff accomplished and don't piss half of my day away trying to figure out what I should do first, or what I should do next, or what have you. But not today. Today I'm going to be avoidy and just write, because I didn't get a single thing written yesterday other than hurt, angry e-mails and explanations to people caught in the cross-fire. So today I'm trying to put all that behind me and get some fic written. Hopefully you'll get to read some soon. Ciao.

Well, today was seriously of the suck. Tears were shed and more naps were had than is healthy. But the bright side, I now know who my real friends are, which is really good knowledge to have. That is all.

Except, um, I should point out that that's online friends. Otherwise my 3D friends will all read this and go "What the ... what'd I do?"

So. I went to see my dad's grave today. First time I've been back since the funeral six years ago. I just went by on a whim on my way to Wal-Mart. I don't really know why. It was pretty surreal. There was nobody else at the cemetery. I didn't say anything, I didn't cry, and I didn't leave anything on the grave (I might've taken flowers or something if I'd actually planned to go). I just kind of acknowledged that it was there, then left. It was all very dispassionate and non-dramatic. Not quite how I'd always envisioned it. But at least now I've been there.

On a cheerier note, after spending the last two days being completely blocked on both of my fics, I now know how to proceed on Getaway. So part 4 should start progressing nicely, hopefully tonight if I can manage to keep myself off of AIM and stop thinking about whatever will have happened on tonight's Buffy long enough to write something.

I'm all caught up on my bills! Laugh not. For me this is a huge accomplishment. It's not that often that I know just exactly how much money I have and that I don't have to be careful not to spend money that belongs to somebody else. It's a good feeling to have.

How sad am I that when I finished paying and balancing and adding and subtracting everything I had to go lie down for a while?

Now I can go back to Target and buy the purse I had all picked out the other night. I need a new purse. I was all set to buy one on Saturday when the Buffy first season DVD caught my eye. It really wasn't a difficult choice to make.

Started working in earnest as Manager Girl today. Accomplished nothing. All of the venues I contacted want to see a press kit first. I got the pictures back from the photo shoot yesterday, now I just need to meet with the boys so we can pick one out for the press kit, then I can actually finish putting it together and get it distributed. Then maybe I'll finally be able to make some headway and get them all booked up through the summer.

Also need to pick out photos for their MP3.com web page and their CD cover. Then we can start selling CDs. Yay. Next step -- tee-shirts. If Stacie can come up with some artwork for them, that is.

Speaking of tee-shirts, eep is working on designs for the DL merchandise. What I've seen and what we've discussed so far looks to be pretty sweet. She said she plans to finish them this weekend. I can't wait to see what she comes up with. Even if I never sell a single shirt I'm all anxious to have one for myself.

And speaking of DL, I posted the third installment of Getaway last night. The link's over there in the sidebar (up above the random James head). And now I'm off to work on part 4 until Angel comes on.

I don't generally like to blog my AIM conversations as a rule, but this one cracked me up:

ritjunkie: Ooh! A roommate!
ritjunkie: I never had very good luck with those.
Fenwic: I -- knock wood -- have always done very well.
Fenwic: But see, that means you're in for some good karma. Right? Right?
ritjunkie: That's good. I've got some pretty good roommate horror stories.
Fenwic: What'd they do to you?
ritjunkie: Like, roommates and pets don't mix.
Fenwic: Uh-oh...
ritjunkie: Well one of the first freaked out when she found out Terrence (who was also living with us) was gay and moved out in the middle of a six month lease and left us a lot of her unpaid bills to take care of, and turned a bit psycho when we tried to get her to take care of them.
Fenwic: Oh my god! Intolerance and money woes. Damn.
ritjunkie: She also killed my parakeet. Left the balcony door open on a cold day without covering his cage and it got pneumonia.
Fenwic: Murderer. I am so sorry.
ritjunkie: Poor birdie.
Fenwic: She's Dru.

Of course, if you don't watch Buffy you won't get why that's funny.

I've developed a sudden, inexplicable and ridiculous addiction to Spider Solitaire. Like, to the point that I think I'm going to have to remove it from my computer if I want to get any writing done.

The week is over and so far all I've accomplished from my list is the Yahoo! group, the sleeping, and some of the writing. I should add to that catching up on e-mail, because I'm way far behind on that, too.

Finished part 3 of Getaway and sent it to my beta readers. I've heard back from all but two. It shouldn't be much longer before I've got a final draft all ready to post.

It wasn't easy to write, not just in light of what happened in Mutant Enemy's version of the Buffyverse this week, but also because it's competing in my brain with Episode 3.6, and that chapter is begging to be written. I'm really excited about it. It's going to be a bit of a departure from what we normally do. It'll be all about Spike, so don't worry, he's not going away again; but it'll be different.

Anyway. About this week's ep. As I said before it aired, I was spoiled, and I'm still optimistic. I don't really want to go into it here because it's such a hot button issue, so you'll have to sign up to clubhouse if you want to know all of my thoughts on it. But I haven't given up.

Actually, the going speculation right now is that Spike's going to become human (this is pure spec, by the way, and not spoiler-based). I was pretty opposed to the idea at first, and though I would still prefer they didn't go that way, the more I think about it the more I think that it's going to happen. And I'm not completely against the idea, considering it goes along with my original speculation on the topic. So here's my current wacky theory: They'll turn him human, next season he'll be all redeemed and he'll work things out with Buffy. Maybe he'll even become a Watcher. Just when they're blissfully happy and secure in their relationship, he'll get turned back into a vampire. Because ME is just evil enough to do that, and they can't just kill him because James, thank God, has a contract. But it won't be just a retread of Angel/us, you see. Because he'll still be Spike, and he'll still love her, and he won't stalk her friends and kill their goldfish and kill their pseudo-girlfriends and generally wreak havoc. He'll just be set back to his current self, only chipless. And then they'll be forced to deal with all of the issues that we (we being the redemptionistas) were hoping this storyline would deal with in the first place, that being whether redemption is possible for a vampire in Spike's circumstances, if Buffy can love a redeemed vampire and if she does, what does that mean for her role as Vampire Slayer, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. They'll trick us into thinking that the turning human storyline is a cop-out to avoid having to go there, and then they'll go there after all. But I think ME has painted Spike into a corner where WHAT he is has to change as much as WHO he is in order to make him acceptable to the general audience again (which is why I say FEH! to ME). And as long as he's a human version of Spike, and not the return of William the Bloody Dorkwad, I'm sure I'll be cool with it.

Or, he'll come back de-chipped and suddenly competently evil and he'll spend all of next season plotting to bring down Buffy and the Scooby Gang and Buffy will have angst over having to kill a vampire she used to sleep with. <SARCASM>Because that particular storyline hasn't been done before.</SARCASM>

And I'm done!

Whew. I knew this last semester would kick my ass. I didn't do so hot on either of my finals, but I passed them, and it wasn't critical to ace either of them, so it's all good. I'm just so glad it's over. For a few months at any rate.

I'm fried. Think I'm gonna go catch a nap before Buffy. Later.

My paper has been presented and turned in for grading. All that's left are two finals, both of 'em tomorrow. Say it with me now: And then I'm done.

Things I'm going to do this week when finals are over (hey look, it's the return of Jean's To Do List!):

• Book some gigs for the band

• Set up their MP3.com web page and start selling CDs

• Burn all of the CDs that I owe people (if you're wondering where the hell your DL/War soundtracks got to, they're coming)

• Start cleaning my nasty-ass apartment

• Get my cat spayed

• Start a Yahoo list for my writer friends to help me with my novel. And maybe we'll spend some time on their project, too :-)

• Go see "Jason X" (shut up!)

• Sleep. A lot.

• Write my ass off (er, my fingers -- you get the idea)

What do you think? Too ambitious?

Busting my rear this morning to finish my research methods paper. The math took a lot longer than I thought it would because I had to redo it three times because the numbers just didn't look right to me. But it came up the same each time so I'm going with it. The power went out last night, so I gave up and went to bed. So now I'm scrambling. Which means I probably shouldn't be posting right now, eh?

I probably also shouldn't have gone to see "Spider-Man" this weekend, but I did, so nyah! I don't do movie reviews, but I gotta say, I enjoyed it. Tess went with me, and she was pretty unhappy with the way it ended, but just like with LoTR, I told her they've got to leave something for the sequel.

While killing time before dinner and the movie we sauntered into Waldenbooks, where I leafed through a the latest issue of BtVS Magazine, and came upon a vaguely spoilery interview with Marti Noxon about Spike & Buffy. Without being specific, she basically said that I am totally not delusional, despite what's going to happen this week. I've had a big, stupid grin on my face all weekend because of that interview. I know, I'm way too into that show. Or, well, that character, really. I can't help it. I love Spike and I want good things for him. Leave me alone.

I'm going to go work now. Later.

For the record, I'm okay with last night's Buffy. I was okay with it when I was told what would happen, and it played out beautifully. My boyfriend is the best actor on the planet, and he sold every line and made Spike even more sympathetic and human, and that's always a wonderful thing. It's what I was told will happen in next week's ep that has my gut twisted into a tight little ball of worry. Beyond that, I'm not spoiled. Well, I am, but I don't believe the spoilers I was told, so I might as well have not heard them. They sounded a lot like recycled fake spoilers from last year. But even if they're not, and that does happen, I can still see how it could work out for the good. So really, next week's ep is the one that might break me.

Yesterday on FX I watched "The Freshman," and got stuck on Willow's line about how Maggie Walsh was an expert on operant conditioning. It stood out this time because I just did that paper on the behavioral perspective of psychology and so this time I knew what she was going on about. Operant conditioning is, for those who don't know, the process of changing a person's behavior through positive and negative reinforcement, or punishment and reward. So basically, it's stated right up front in Season 4 that the person responsible for Spike's chip is an expert in this stuff. For the last three years Spike has been a big study in operant conditioning on vampires. Kinda hard to dismiss any changes in Spike as just a possible side effect of the chip and not the intended result when you know that this sort of thing was Professor Walsh's specialty. I wish I knew all of this back when I still bothered to debate this stuff at TWoP.

I had two scenes for my upcoming episode of DL completed, and last night they disappeared. I've tried every way I know how to recover them, and they're gone. Sigh. In other fic news, I'm almost finished with part 3 of Getaway. I was determined to stay up and get that part finished last night, but I got too sleepy to do the scene justice. Today I need to sign off and go incommunicado and get my child psych paper written. If I finish it tonight and I'm not too brain-fried, I'll try to finish that section. But I make no promises.