Warning: This post contains whining.

It's very late, and I'm probably going to regret this outburst of honesty in the morning, but right now I need to unburden, so what the hell?

I'm sitting here asking myself why the hell do I bother with fanfic, even as I'm working on Getaway. I mean, there are the excuses I make to the very few people who know me in real life who also know that I write fic, such as that it's good a good way to practice the craft and ... well, that's really the only one that they buy. But I'll be honest and say that a big reason for writing fanfic is the instant gratification of feedback. When you send an original story off to an editor, it takes weeks to hear back, and then when you do, at least in my experience, it's rejection; but you post a fanfic, and you get reviews, sometimes you get criticism, and sometimes you get fan mail. And perhaps the most gratifying, you see word-of-mouth recommendations about your story.

Except that I haven't gotten much of any of that lately. Especially not that last one. Usually I can take it in stride, but more and more I'm seeing recommendation lists that are full of orgiastic love for stories that I personally consider mediocre, and some of the stories out there with the more wildly devoted fan followings are stories that I myself think just suck outright. So now I have to ask myself, is my judgment that skewed? Can I really not recognize quality when I see it? Does my own writing suck *that bad* that authors who don't even give consideration to such things as grammar and spelling or good characterization or conceivable plots get labeled "best fic ever!" while my stories don't even make the list (Dancing Lessons, granted, often makes the list, but if you were to read recommendation lists you would never know that A) it was written by other people besides me and B) I've written quite a bit of other stuff that has nothing to do with DL)?

And it's not just me. I'm also extremely peeved by the lack of attention paid to other of the DL authors. adjrun's Awkward Phase and Aurelio Zen's Vita Nova are, in my opinion, some of the best S/B fics out there, with excellent plot concepts, great pacing, spot on characterization and dialogue, and just the right balance of humor, angst, and romance ... and yet these fics rarely make people's lists and the authors hardly receive any reader feedback for them. Both fics might have been finished by now if they'd received the acclaim they deserve, and now, due in large part to the lackluster response it received, Vita Nova probably won't be continued further.

When I do get an e-mail from a reader (and I do get some -- as a matter of fact a good portion of the e-mail I'm feeling so guilty about not answering is reader feedback), it usually begins with something like, "I've never written to a fic author before, I know you probably hear this all the time ..." and ends with "Sorry to bother you!" People! Your feedback is the ficwriter's bread-and-butter! Please give it! You have no idea how many times a nice letter or review or comment on a discussion board about one of my stories has totally made my day.

So. My ego is bruised. Not so much from a lack of feedback as from being held in such low esteem in the fic community compared to some other writers whom I, as a reader, consider to be lacking in either talent or skill, and sometimes both. I admit that I'm a snob and I have pretty high standards about what I'll spend the time to read and label "good" or "great," but this makes me have to question my own talent and skill, and whether I really have as much of either as my beta-readers and all five of my devoted readers claim. But you know what? Screw it. Because the small group of people who consistently read and comment on my fic are people whom I know possess buttloads of talent and skill in their own right, and who also have discerning tastes and give a damn about quality. And if they're the only ones who ever read and respond to my work, I'll keep writing it for them. Barring that, I'll keep writing it for myself, for my own enjoyment, because that is the real best reason for writing fanfic.

Please forgive me for the tantrum, especially for the parts where I came dangerously close to sounding like her. You can trust that I'll smack myself for it after I've had a good night's sleep.