Happy New Year's Eve, and happy Tuesday (don't forget the new Buffy preview tonight!).

Le sigh. Another NYE spent single and with nowhere to go. Just as well. I'll spend my evening cleaning house. It'll be therapeutic, and symbolic, and stuff.

I'm not bothering with resolutions, but I am making some changes. I gave up pop as of today, which is gonna be painful, especially seeing as how so much of my writing this past year has been fueled by Diet Coke. But I can do it. I'm not really going on a diet, but I am going to start paying closer attention to what I eat and try to eat real food instead of grabbing stuff out of the vending machines at school. Yesterday I got my bedroom all cleaned out and I'm putting all of my exercise equipment in there, along with my small TV (I put it back in my bedroom last night. I had to turn it away from me when I went to bed and sleep with the light on. Shut up. The Ring messed me up, y'all) and old VCR and all of my Buffy videos so I can watch those while I work out. I have to lose at least 20 pounds by May. Or, at least two clothing sizes. I don't actually own any scales and I don't really know how much I weigh now so yeah, I think I'll go by clothing sizes. My daily eating habits aren't really that terrible so I'm pretty sure exercise is the key.

Anyway. I'm also, as I said, cleaning house and trying to get some organization going, but I'm not deluding myself into thinking that'll last. But it'll be nice to start the new year off that way. I also need to start treating the band manager thing like a real job and make it a higher priority. I sure as hell can't get paid if they don't have any gigs lined up. Plus I love my nephew dearly and it makes him so happy to play in front of people, so I want to make that happen for him.

Personal goals for this year include writing my novel (if I can write 92,000 words of fanfic in one year, then by God I can get this book written in a year) (by the by, I posted a background story about the protagonist in my LJ last night; didn't post it here because too many kids and family members and people who are otherwise easily offended by my sensibilities persist in reading my blog, for some reason, and it contains things that are not for a child's eyes), finishing my degree(s), and applying to grad school. And also getting to a doctor and getting back on my thyroid medication.

I lied. I am making a resolution: To start a conversation with the Brit Boy (assuming he's in any of my classes this semester). I'd like to resolve to flirt with him madly but my flirtation skills leave a lot to be desired so I'll have to settle for talking to him and hope that that's enough. And that's a pretty big step right there. Sigh. I wish I wasn't such a spaz.

Anyway. I hope everyone reading this has an enjoyable New Year's Eve, and that you all have a blessed 2003.

I don't know where the idea got started that cats are clean animals, but it's complete and utter bullshit. 'Cause my little buggers? Are absolutely disgusting.

I'm cleaning today. Or, beginning it anyway. Heavy duty that involves organization and rearranging and hauling the big carpet cleaner upstairs. It'll probably take me a few days, but at least I can start the new year off with a clean house. It's nice, though, knowing I can take my time with it and don't have to feel rushed. I'm gonna be bummed when my winter break is over.

I actually have a pretty extensive To Do list this week, besides the cleaning, which includes various band-related tasks and making another stab at catching up on all my e-mail and putting together all of the DL CDs for people who have those coming and mailing out packages that I promised to people (Chad, your video's coming! So is an e-mail! Promise!). All of which would be a lot easier if I wasn't so lazy and lethargic. I'm also aiming to finish (at least a draft of) TIMCTB this week. So I'll leave my computer on so I can run over and write down anything that occurs to me on that front as I clean. Which also means I'll be reachable through e-mail all day if any of you (fenwic) need anything.

It's Sunday. Therefore, I'm resting. Or, writing, really. Other than this, and, um, getting more coffee after I'm done with this, I'm not doing anything else until part 5 of That I May Cease To Be is done. Of course, most of that is already into my betas and I haven't heard back from any of them yet and two of the heavy-hitters are forbidden to look at it until DL 3.8 is finished so it may be a while yet before it actually gets posted. But at least I'll be able to shift the blame for that.

Had a pretty nice yesterday. Went with my mom, her sister, Tess and her mom to see The Two Towers, which I enjoyed and definitely want to see again -- need to see again if only to get all of the characters' names straight -- but still am not obsessed enough with to pontificate on here beyond "Poor Gollum!" and "Mmm, Legolas" and "Now THAT'S a battle scene! I hope they do something like that on Buffy. And give Spike a sword. Like in DL2. What? Oh, we just saw a movie? Oh, yeah, that was good too."

Anyway. After we were going to go to Red Lobster, but the first one we went to had a 45 minute wait, so we drove to the one across town which we expected to be much less busy because it's in a much less busy part of town, but apparently everybody else who didn't want to wait 45 minutes at the first one had the same idea we did, 'cause the wait there was going to be an hour and a half. So instead we went to Talley's (this 1950s, Route 66 diner) and loaded up on greasy goodness. And since I still have leftovers from that meal in the fridge I guess I'll wait until tomorrow to start my diet. The day was only "pretty nice" because I drove and my mom can't seem to refrain from being extra "helpful" from the back seat and that was irritating and tension-inducing, but other than that we had a good time.

And now, I'm all about the writing. I won't be on AIM until I'm done with part 5. I mean it!

Merry Christmas!!!

Sorry for last night's message of gloom. I'm feeling better today. I did take the last of my Nyquil and got a good night's sleep for a change, and actually woke up before noon, which tends to do wonders for my whole outlook on life. And my big sis and her family braved the snow and came out, so we still got to have Christmas dinner. Nephew #2 is feeling his old self again, and I had a talk with Nephew #1 about my limitations and what he and the band can realistically expect me to do for them, so I'm feeling much better about that now.

For Christmas I got two copies of Attack of the Clones on DVD. I can exchange one of those for the special extended version of Fellowship of the Ring, so that works out (I'm giving serious thought to exchanging the other one for Spider-Man, or possibly putting it towards the S3 Buffy DVDs, but my sis-in-law is bound to find out and get all offended so I probably won't do that). Also, my mom shocked me by getting me a couple of tops that are actually my style. So I made out all right.

Now everybody's gone and I'm torn between crashing on the sofa and watching videos all day or writing. Either way, I should probably get off of the internet and stay off. A break from that would probably do me worlds of good.

Here's hoping everybody reading this is having a happy, stress-free holiday.

I probably shouldn't post this sort of thing on Christmas Eve when everybody is all Joy to the World and what all, but then I never did quite manage to catch hold of that Christmas spirit. I should be sitting in a restaurant right now with family, feeling stuffed and satisfied and exchanging gifts and having an all around pleasant time. Instead I'm snowed in, not writing because I'm blocked, and fighting off a bout of depression. Holiday blues, whatever. I'm bummed. I'm sad because my Christmas Eve plans went all to hell, I'm sad because I don't have a significant other to spend the holidays with and the aforementioned plans were designed to distract me from that fact but now I'm sitting here alone ruminating on my aloneness and all the possible causes thereof. And I'm also sad and a touch irritated because a dear friend is apparently pissed off at me and I'm really not sure what I did to deserve her ire, other than that my attempt to remain neutral and not raise it in the first place backfired, and as I'm not sure what caused it I have no idea how to fix it or even if I'm the one who needs to do the fixing. Anyway, this is me, having a somewhat crappy Christmas Eve. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. And hopefully whoever's reading this is having a much better holiday than mine. But me, I'm considering the merits of spending the rest of the holiday in a Nyquil-induced coma. Would that I could stay that way through Valentine's day. But then I'd miss Buffy.

Last night I dreamed that Brad Pitt was my brother, except that I couldn't remember him. He showed up for Christmas (sans Jennifer), and everybody else knew he was family and welcomed him, and they started telling stories about growing up, and he kept telling all these stories about growing up with me, and I had no clue what he was talking about. It was like he was a Brad shaped Key and the monks somehow overlooked altering my memory to include him. Weird.

Spike also made an appearance, but he was featured in a movie I was watching with Brad. Le sigh.

It snowed some more last night. Somebody came late yesterday and scraped our roads so I had hopes that we might be able to leave the house today (even though they left huge piles of packed snow at the end of our driveway that would've been considerably difficult to get over), but then it snowed again on top of that. So we're not going anywhere for a while. At least I've got my real brother's copy of FotR and all my Buffy vids to keep me company. Not to mention a Farscape marathon on SciFi, and plenty of writin' to do.

Speaking of writing, for those of you who are getting antsy over the next DL update, let me assure you that it's totally worth the wait. Fenwic turned in a scene last night that is quite possibly one of the most amazing in all of DL thus far. And I'm suffering major writer envy and self-confidence issues because of it, too. I'm wondering if that's a good enough excuse to forgo working on the new fic and camp out on the sofa and declare this John Crichton Day. You know? I think it is! Ciao!

I've been on an insomnia kick lately. It's not just the usual winter/summer vacation, staying up to chat all night with my west coast friends and getting re-acclimated to their time zone. This is me getting up at a normal time of day and being really tired around my normal bed time and going to bed and not sleeping. Which sucks. So last night I took some Tylenol PM and finally went to bed at 2 AM (which for me isn't *that* late), thinking I'd sleep until noon and get all caught up on sleep and wake up feeling good. Instead I woke up at 2 PM. And it was freezing. And there was snow. Lots and lots of snow. Still is, by the way. And despite the snow and freeze something nevertheless aggravated my allergies so my eye was all swollen and runny and gross and painful. So, bleah.

Unless it warms up enough tomorrow or Wednesday to melt it, the snow means everybody's stuck at home and neither of my sisters or their families will be coming out for Christmas. Nor will we be attending our church's candlelight Christmas Eve service. Nor going out to eat afterwards like we usually do. Perhaps the most upsetting part is that it also means we won't all be going to see The Two Towers on Christmas day. So again, bleah. Needless to say, I was not dreaming of a white Christmas. At least not this white.

Even though it'll probably be days before I see any of the people I'm doing this for, I'm gonna be crafty today and make Christmas presents. Go me. Maybe doing that and listening to some Christmas music and drinking 'nog and with the snow I'll finally get into the Christmas spirit. Maybe.

DL 3.8 is crawling along to a finish. Scenes and parts of scenes are being posted. I really wanted to get it up before Christmas but I in no way guarantee that that will happen. I don't guarantee anything anymore. But I do know they're working on it.

I started working on TIMCTB again yesterday, and that shouldn't take too terribly long to finish.

I just added an Amazon shop to Dancing Lessons, so y'all can help support the site by using that when you need to shop Amazon.

Got my report card. I got one B, in Gender Psych, which I'm sure must be due to my attendance (or lack thereof) because I did nothing but A work in that class. Sigh. I'll have to be better about showing up next semester. The good news is, I finally dragged my GPA up above a 3.0. So I'm eligible to join Psi Chi now, which is a good thing if I want to get in to grad school.

The band did a great job last night. But they surprised me by announcing that their ex-drummer is no longer ex. So now I have to put him back on the web site and in all their press materials. No big, I just wish they'd told me before I took him out of everything. And I'm glad I hadn't already made several copies of the new press kit, 'cause then I'd really have to be irked.

As for my other nephew, they now think his scary near-coma spell last week is attributable to nothing more than an almost complete lack of potassium in his diet. So the boy just needs to eat better. Or get a good supplement. So that's good news.

Now I'm shutting myself up and writing for the rest of the day. I will be on AIM but only to powwow with the other DLers to try and get this gorram chapter finished already. Oh, and by the by, I haven't watched the Firefly pilot yet (taped it, though), so don't anybody spoil it for me.

Fizzgigg sits here and barks at me until I give him a doggie treat. Once he gets said treat, what does he do? He drops it on the floor and then curls up beside and goes to sleep. He's an odd little hairball.

I'm glad that [Survivor spoiler start] Clay lost, but I'm not thrilled about Brian winning. I'd have loved for Jan to win, especially after what Brian said last week about her being disposable. I gotta say, though, the jury questioning part is so much more fun when everybody hates both of the people they have to choose between.[/spoiler] Also, I was happy that Jeff hosted the reunion special. It never made sense to me that he went away and let Bryant Gumble or Rosie or whoever take over, when he's the one who would know the best questions to ask and be able to get to the bottom of things. The way he did tonight. I hope he hosts all of them from now on. I never noticed before tonight how big his ears are, though. For a while I couldn't stop staring at them. Also? I'm pretty sure he was flirting with Erin. Hee.

I got the press kits done. Well, I got a press kit done. I'm pretty happy with it and I think the boys will like it. Hopefully we'll come away with enough tips and CD profits after the show tomorrow night that I can buy the materials to make more and send them out. That is assuming that I remember to actually take the CDs to the show this time.

I got through about half of the scenes I needed to revise for 3.8. I'll be up until I get the rest of them done. It'll probably be Saturday before I can get back to work on TIMCTB. I probably should've held off on posting 4 so updates would be a little more evenly spaced, huh? Oh well. Only two more chapters to go, and they shouldn't take me too long once I have time to sit down and do them.

The Buffy review that tolkhan linked contains a HUGE-ASS spoiler about February sweeps. So don't follow that link if you don't want to know. Terrence, pretend I'm smacking you in the back of the head right now.

I'm trying to renew my domains. Dotster is not the most user friendly site on the web. It's not letting me put domain renewal and URL forwarding all on one order, and it's not accepting my credit card info. It's not not accepting my credit card, just the info. Every time I submit it just kicks me back to the page to enter said info, with nary an error message in sight to let me know what the problem is. Grrr. Oh, hey, that time it took it. I guess complaining publicly is the key.

So once I get that done, I really need to take care of some stuff for the band. I'm trying to get ahold of some halfway decent recording equipment so I can make a tape of their accoustic show tomorrow night. I also need to update their press kit, and put some more CDs together to sell at said show. Aside from all that, I really need to finish my DL 3.8 revisions today. I think I'm going to cut my to do list for today off there. I was thinking about finally doing my Christmas shopping today, but I'll have to do that Saturday instead, even though traffic will be horrendous.

I tried to get my revisions done last night, but after the race I got SOOO sleepy. So I went to bed. And proceeded to just lie there for 2 hours, not sleeping. Even after I took something to help me fall asleep I couldn't sleep. But I was too tired to get up and work on revisions anyway (when I'd tried earlier I was just skipping over a lot of beta suggestions because I was just too tired to think about them, so that was no good), and stubborn, so I continued to lie there in the dark thinking wild and random thoughts. Sometimes I have disliking for my brain.

Survivor finale tonight. I have no idea who to root for. I just know I don't want Clay to win. But I probably shouldn't post that seeing as how things turned out with TAR's Flo. Oh well.

Amazing Race spoilers (highlight to read): [spoiler]Well, at least I can console myself with the fact that Zach totally deserved to win after what he had to put up with through the whole race. So I'm happy for him. Too bad he has to split the money with Flo.[/spoiler]

I conquered the stink, I did some laundry, I put lights up on the banner (and Fox made a holiday Spuffy pic that I put up on DL, so go check that out), and I'm all caught up on the forums and everybody's various Buffy thoughts. Go me. I think that's enough accomplishment for one day. I'm going to go shower and change and get something to eat, then I'll probably re-watch last night's Buffy ep. After that I'll be on AIM, albeit probably whilst revising scenes for DL so I don't know that I'll be much company in a chat. But I will be on in a while if anybody needs me for anything.

Ack, I just remembered that TAR 3's finale is tonight! So I won't be on while that's on. Please, God, don't let Flo win.

I have to clean my carpet before I do anything else today, because my living room? It stinketh. One of the joys of pet ownership. First I typed that as "overwhip" and I don't think that's entirely offbase. Anyway, I wanted to get down a few random thoughts about last night's Buffy before I forget them. Spoilers for "Bring On the Night" coming up:

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

I don't want Giles to be dead. But I've a sneaking suspicion that that's the case and he's been replaced by the FE. I'll be more than happy if I'm proven wrong and his out-of-character actions are explained as a reaction to stress and trauma and the fact that he didn't make enough physical contact with any person or thing to prove that he's corporeal is just ME screwing with our heads. But I'm not going to pin any hopes on that theory.

I hope that the main arc hasn't already picked up so much momentum that the characters will be so busy waging war that they don't have time to work on their interpersonal relationships. Or to mourn Giles if it turns out he is dead. Or to celebrate Buffy's upcoming birthday.

I squealed when Buffy said war. This just might be our chance to see something akin to DL's huge-ass battle play out on screen, and that excites me.

I think Wood's a good guy. I know I'm in the minority here but I get a good guy vibe off of him. Mysterious, yes. Even somewhat ambiguous. But not evil.

I'm so proud of Spike, but not at all surprised or amazed by him. He chose sides before he even got the soul. Stupid of the FE to think it could get him to change his mind now. And our boy has already proven that physical torture is not the way to break him. Now that he knows Buffy has faith in him, he's pretty much unbreakable. What does amaze me in comparison is just how easy it's always been to break Angel. His spirit, if not his resolve. The FE only had to taunt him for, what, a week? And he was ready to meet the sunrise. And then that whole S2-Angel downward spiral of despair arc. I mean, it is sad that Darla got vamped again just as she was accepting her humanity and that Angel couldn't prevent it, but in retrospect, compared to everything Spike's been through recently, it just doesn't seem like enough for him to be willing to throw it all away and try to turn back to evil. And yet it was. Sigh. Angel's such a wuss. Happily, I think Buffy's finally starting to figure that out.

Little Bit has compiled a pictorial history of Naked Spike, which you should run to look at right now as soon as you finish here. At the end there's a poll about your favorite aspects of Spike's nakedness. She was surprised when I picked last night's ep as my favorite instance of Spike naked and covered with sexy wounds. I said it was the glow of Buffy love that pushed that one over the top for me, but I was tired and couldn't put my finger on just what it was that made that last Spike scene for me. But I've figured it out: Peace. He was defiant in the face of his torturers, which is always sexy, but when he said that he believed he could be good and make a difference because Buffy believed he could, he almost smiled, and in that moment, despite the physical pain he must have been feeling, he looked the most peaceful that he has in a long, long time. Possibly ever. And that's just ... wow.

AurelioZen has already posted her analysis of the ep. I haven't had time to read it yet but I know she's a supreme smartypants and that it's bound to be interesting and thought-provoking. I'll have to read it after my living room no longer stinks. Which I'm off to go take care of right now.

And Part 4 is up.

Part 3 of That I May Cease To Be is up! Part 4 is coming just as soon as I finish revisions.

There are messages in my hotmail inbox going back to March. I've finally accepted that I'm never going to get around to answering those and am deleting them. Actually, I'll do good to answer anything going back more than a few months. If you wrote me prior to, let's say September, and I never answered, I'm sorry. Have I mentioned how much I suck? Well, I do.

I stayed up until 4 this morning working on part 4 of TIMCTB. It'll be interesting to see what kind of stupidity my betas point out in this draft. There's always at least a modicum of stupidity when I write sleepy. Often involving errant apostrophes.

Anyway. So I'm hella tired, and I just now got me some coffee. And I still don't know what's going on with my nephew (Danilel; he's sick, and last I heard the doctors didn't know why. It's kinda scary). And I have cramps. Big ones. Bad ones. Big, bad cramps. And a small, less evil headache. All things considered, I'm not quite as cranky as you'd think I'd be.

So fenwic and I were talking last night about how easy it is to lose confidence in your writing (even though it's incomprehensible to me that she should lack any confidence in this area, seeing as how she's one of the people whose writing tends to shatter my confidence). How one minute you're riding a high of accomplishment and praise and feeling like you can pull off anything, any characterization, any kind of scene, and then you go to actually do it, or (as is often in my case) look at some of your past work, or read something by somebody else that's just plain better, and suddenly you're convinced that you're the suckiest writer in Suckonia and that either all of those people who've told you different are just very nice and are lying to you, or that you just got lucky with the stuff they read and with this next thing they're going to figure out it's all a sham and you're a no-talent hack. This is how it is for me, at least. I can't speak for fen.

I figure this is a common phenomenon for most writers; but not long after this discussion we stumbled across one of the biggest examples of all out arrogance I have ever seen from a writer. Especially an amateur writer. And folks? No matter how great your fiction is? If somebody's not paying you to write? You're an amateur. Yes, this is leading into another long-winded and potentially controversial rant, so be warned. Now is probably a good time for some of you to roll your eyes and skip to the end. For the rest of you, I'm not naming names (but I will say it was a member of the afore-bitched-about clique). I'm not even going to repeat what she said. Just know that it was a jaw-droppingly arrogant thing to say, which boils down to that this person doesn't see any room for improvement in her own writing.

I have to wonder if this person has ever tried to get published professionally. I'm thinking she hasn't. I doubt she'd be quite so cock-sure about her writing if she has. See, on the one hand I've got people praising me for my fanfiction and giving me awards and good reviews, and I've got friends and strangers both constantly assuring me that yes, I am talented and that they believe said talent will take me far. On the other? Is a binder full of rejection letters from people whose job it is to decide what's good and what's a waste of time. So I can write a story and put it up on the Internet -- anybody can do this -- and feel proud of it and feel I did my best and actually manage to impress some people. But according to every publisher I've ever submitted anything to (except for that one in Canada, but that was non-fiction which is much easier to get published and so doesn't really count), no matter how good you folks say I am, I'm just not good enough.

So who do I believe? I could believe the publishers and give up, or I could believe my friends and "fans" and convince myself that talent makes no difference in the publishing industry and it's all about who you know. I tend to take the middle road on which I keep trying, keep writing, believing I can eventually become good enough, but that no matter how good or well-received my last story was there is still vast acres of room for improvement on the next one. I hope I never stop feeling this way, no matter how successful I become. Because IMO, if you honestly believe there's no more room for improvement? It's time to stop writing. Like Stephen King.

Speaking of Mr. King, in his invaluable book On Writing, he says that there are four kinds of writers (and know that I'm paraphrasing big time because I can't find my book): bad, competent, good, and great (and he reserved "great" for, well, the truly great, those writers whose work transcends and stands the test of time, i.e. Shakespeare). He said a bad writer can't become competent, and a good writer can't become great (because the greatness he was talking about is pretty much inherent from the get-go); but that with practice a competent writer can become good, and good writers who aspire to be great can at the very least become very, very good.

On this scale I would place myself and the writers in this clique -- including the one mentioned above -- on the competent level and allow that sometimes we all do work that genuinely qualifies as good. The thing is, I think that all of these ladies have the potential to become truly good writers -- but only if they open up their eyes to the flaws in their writing and are willing to work to improve said flaws. I don't know if it's that this lady is too ready to believe most of her press, or if she just needs better beta-readers, ones who are willing to be brutally honest and point out her weaknesses instead of just gushing interrupted by the occasional grammar check. A good beta does more than just point out bad spelling and punctuation errors. I'm blessed with betas who tell me when my writing is lazy or rushed or when my plots have holes or weak spots. They see areas where they know I can do better and they demand that I do so. And I LOVE my betas. It's not always easy to take their criticism, but thanks to these folks (fenwic and adjrun, I'm talking about you) my writing has vastly improved over the last couple of years. And yet there is still plenty more room for improvement.

I believe the writer in question could become as good as she thinks she is, but that's not going to happen as long as she believes she's achieved greatness. As long as she's not willing to get over herself enough to see her flaws, or as long as the people she trusts aren't willing to point them out to her, she's destined to remain a competent writer who writes very pretty (if occasionally self-important) prose and decent characterization but who can't plot worth a damn. And I just think that's kinda sad.

Sigh. Here endeth the rant. Anyway, today I'm finally going to answer some e-mail. Probably not all of it because there is a lot of it and hotmail has a tendency to crash on me, but as much as I can get done before I get frustrated and give up. Then I'm going to work on revisions, and hopefully I'll be able to at least post part 3 of TIMCTB tonight. Also, Fox got me to thinking the other night about exactly when Spike fell for Buffy and at what points it went from pure lust to crush love to real love, so I want to do up a timeline of Spuffy milestones and when I think what happened. I don't know when I'll get around to that, though, or where I'll post it when I do. I also need to start working on Chad's S7-so-far tape. I think I'm going to have myself a marathon. I might just get up early tomorrow to start that so I can get all 9 eps in before the new one tomorrow night (squee!).

And as I just spent over an hour on this post, it's time to shut up and get my ass in gear.

I'm getting around to writing. I was on a roll with part 4 last night but then I took a "quick break" to make some LJ icons (shut up!) and then adjrun showed up on AIM and I never really got back to the writing. I'm going to try to finsh 4 today, though. And betas are starting to come back on 3, so it shouldn't be long before I can post that.

I finally finished a scene for DL that's been killing me to write, but that one won't show up until Ep. 10. And I think I figured out a solution to a problem I've been having with the final scene for Ep. 15. Anyway. On my fanfic to do list is to complete revisions for my scenes for Ep. 8, finish the current fic, then write my two remaining scenes for my contribution to Ep. 10, then I'll tackle Ep. 11. After that I'm not up again until the finale and I swear to GOD and all that is good in Heaven and Earth that at that point I will turn some focus back to my novel. I might go ahead and post the rough draft of the prologue here at that point. Maybe that'll encourage me to get with it.

Star Trek made me cry. I posted my thoughts about it in the forum if you care. I was a little sad that Terrence didn't have time to go eat with us after, but that gave me time to get across the street to SuperTarget and pick up a birthday card for my mama, and it's probably better that I got home sooner rather than later. I couldn't really afford a big meal anyway.

As I said, as soon as I finish a draft of TIMCTB part 4 I will answer my e-mail and send confirmations and thank yous to everybody who's donated or otherwise helped with DL. But I feel that getting y'all your money's worth in fic is the most appropriate thanks I can give. And now, back to the writing.

Going to a matinee of Star Trek: Nemesis tomorrow with Terrence & Tess. I'm excited.

I got quite a lot of fic written this afternoon. I'm in a good mood tonight, despite a misunderstanding earlier that turned into a minor kerfuffle which included some confrontation. Between that and trying to enjoy Firefly (which was absolutley fabulous; stupid Fox) despite news of its cancellation I was all emotionally drained there for a while, but IMing with folks has gotten me back into a good mood. I'm gonna try to write some more before I go to bed.

Speaking of which, I'd like to announce now that fenwic is my new anchovy. I love her more than all the other fishes!

The forums are getting used again. That makes me happy. I'm still going to do a massive re-org and house cleaning when I get done with this fic, though. So if there are any threads y'all want to keep that haven't been used in a while, you'd better get to posting in them or they'll go permanently bye-bye (hint: to see what's there, in the drop-down menu at the bottom of each section's page, select "show from beginning.").

I was going to get up this morning and go help wrap presents for the party the psych club is throwing for disadvantaged kids tomorrow night. That was going to be the big kick-off to my holiday season, the thing that was going to get me in the Christmas mood. But, well, I didn't. Morning came around, and suddenly sleep seemed way more important. I kinda regret not going, but at least I'm well rested.

So instead, today, I'm writing. And possibly doing laundry. But mostly, writing. Part 3 of TIMCTB is all in to the betas. Part 4 is started, but I had to stop and write an unrelated scene that might possibly go in Part 5. I gotta get with it, though. I really want to get this thing finished before next Tuesday's ep. I gotta work some time to revise my DL 3.8 scenes in there somewhere, too. Maybe I'll do that first. Great. Now I have to make a decision. Blah.

Oh! And when I get part 4 done I'm going to take a break and answer e-mail, I SWEAR!

The second part of my new fic, That I May Cease To Be, is up over at Dancing Lessons. The link is up there in the orange.

The fanfic community is a very cliquish place. I've accepted this. One could even go so far as to call the DL crew and our buddies a clique (though I do hope we don't come across as one). For the most part I just don't care. But there is this one fic clique who irritates me to no end. I'm not naming any names (or fics), I'm not trying to start anything, I just need to vent. To begin with, I (and most of my friends) think that a lot of their work is extremely flawed and overrated, albeit technically well written. The flaws (which include poor characterization, the occasional neglecting or blatant ignoring of canon, a lack of any real plot or gigantic holes in logic when an actual plot is attempted) don't seem to matter to the rest of creation, though, because these folks have a very rabid following. And that's fine. I don't begrudge them. They put in a lot of work and they do have talent. What it really boils down to is that the style most of these ladies specialize in just isn't my thing. I don't enjoy darkness for the sake of darkness, I don't care for gratuitous shocks or graphic sex for the sake of sensationalism. Not that they're writing PWP, and not that there's anything wrong with that; but that stuff is not what Buffy is about, a lot of stuff that happens in their fics is not something that the characters on the show would ever do, and it just doesn't feel like Buffy to me. I prefer fic that actually tells a story and makes an effort to get the voices close, if not always spot on and that has a good balance of humor and angst. And that has the characters behaving in character. Out of characterness is probably my biggest fic turn-off, after bad spelling and grammar.

Anyway. But there is an audience out there, obviously, for their work, and that's great. To each his own. But the thing about this group that just pisses me off is the mutual ego masturbation they engage in on message boards and such. They'll take over a recommendation thread, overshadowing all other recommendations, touting each others work and congratulating each other and engaging in false humility and asserting the wonderfullness of their own works and saying thank you to the occasional fangirl who manages to get a word in edge-wise to tell them that yes, they are indeed wonderful. And woe to the person who disagrees and is brave enough to pipe up and pronounce any of their work as less than wonderful. There is only one member of this clique who is truly classy about accepting criticism. Her fic is probably my least favorite of the bunch, but she's the only one whom I really respect. But it's not just touting their fic. The adoration of their fic reading public has gone to their heads so much that they consider themselves authorities on all aspects of fic, and overwhelm discussions about other works and other aspects of writing fic with their pronouncements of what is good and what works and what doesn't and what every writer should do to be as wonderful as they are. Feh. In short, their big egos and know-it-allness peeve me to no end and turn me off of wanting to read any of their fic, no matter how well written or celebrated. I should say that for the most part they otherwise seem like nice people, but, damn. Reign it in already. You are loved. You don't have to advertise this fact and wheedle for yet more love everywhere you go.

My real point here is that I'm as much of a praise-and-attention whore as anybody when it comes to my fic; but I try to let my work speak for itself. I love my writer friends, I sincerely think adjrun and fenwic and aureliozen are some of the best writers of fic out there, and I would herald them more if they'd, you know, finish a fic just once. And we have been known to speak up and defend our decisions when we don't agree with specific criticism, but we've also been known to cop to it when criticism is fair. But even so, I'm pretty sure we don't ever behave in the fashion described above. And if we ever do? Please tell us so that we can stop.

And I will also admit to a certain amount of envy on my part. DL is well loved, and I've gotten a fair share of praise and awards for my other fics, so I'm not whining; but all of us put a LOT of work into not only each chapter of DL but into our non-DL fics as well. We try very hard to match the tone of the show and strive for good characterization and character voices. Everything we write gets the hell betaed out of it, and nothing gets posted until it's done right. We're not perfectionists (well, I'm not, at any rate), but we do care about turning in a quality product. Every fic I write, I pretend I'm auditioning for Joss himself. None of us think that we're so great that we don't need to put in that extra effort to make sure it's good. So, yeah, I get irked when one of our fics gets totally overshadowed by one of theirs. It's human nature, and I'll cop to it without any shame. Though it does make me feel better to see my fic getting recommended by total strangers when theirs is usually first recced (and seconded) by their friends. So, nyah.

Feels good to have that off my chest. And now I'm going to lock myself up and write. I'm going to finish part 3 of the new fic today, and afterwards I'll work on revising part 2 and getting it ready to post.

Did I mention that I'm done with school until January 13? Well, I am. Wheeee!

More of 3.8 is up over at Dancing Lessons.

So last night I got myself a live journal. Yes, I said I'd never get one of those. I also said I'd never write non-DL fanfic again. So sue me. There is where you can look if this site goes down to see what the Dickens is up with that. And also if I don't update here in forever you can check there to see if it's all Blogger's fault. That's about all I'll use it for (well, I'll probably also announce fic updates there, because I pimp those everywhere I can). Mostly I got it so I don't have to be anonymous over there anymore and keep getting locked out of friends-only posts. But I bought a year's worth of Blogger Pro service and by God I'm going to get my money's worth, so this is still the primary place to find me and all of my ramblings. Anyway. Big thanks to Little_Bit for slipping me the code and letting me in.

My back is not great, but it's not as bad as I expected it to be either, so for that I'm thankful. I keep doing the stretches that my chiropracter gave me a while back, and alternating with an ice pack and heating pad and putting BioFreeze on it, which is all making it tolerable enough that I'm okay while I'm sitting and I can move around okay. And it's not all bruised like I thought it would be.

I had bizarre dreams last night. I won't bore you with the details (besides, I don't remember a lot of them anyway), but it had a lot of cameo guest stars, including Spike and the rest of the Scoobie Gang (of whom Lane Kim from The Gilmore Girls was a member. And Tara was alive!), Ewan McGregor, and Green Lantern. The black one from the Justice League cartoon, not Hal Jordan or Kyle Rayner. And yes, I had a dream featuring both Spike and Ewan and it was not a sexy dream. My subconscious hates me.

Aye, me. I had my last test yesterday. Today my gender psych prof is making is meet so he can critique our posters and tell us our grade on those, and then I'm done. I'm wondering if I should even bother trying to sell my books back. They never take any of them. I can think of one that they might go ahead and take back and I probably won't get much for it. But some is better than none and I need the cash, so I guess I'll do that. I really need to put all my text books up on e-bay.

New DL is coming soon. The new bit is being checked over for continuity errors, and once that's done I'll post it. And I think I've heard back from everybody on part 2 of the new fic, so I'll work on getting that ready to post soonish. I really want to finish part 3 first, though. Anyway. New fic coming tonight.

Today is, apparently, a day for injuring my back. Shortly after my last post I went to take Fizzgigg outside, and on my way down the stairs my feet slipped out from under me (gorram houseshoes) and I landed hard, with the middle of my spine slamming right down on the edge of one of the steps. The pain I mentioned earlier? That was nothing. Pain and suffering has just been redefined for me. The worst part is that I dropped my dog and he rolled all the way down to the bottom, and I was more worried about him than I was about me. When I started screaming for my mom it was so she could check on my dog because I couldn't get up to do it myself. But then once I knew he was okay I started crying like TAR 3's Flo hanging off the side of a cliff. We actually thought about calling an ambulance there for a minute. But I can wiggle all of my fingers and toes, so clearly nothing's broken, and since I don't have any health insurance I'll just have to tough it out. But oh my God, it hurts.

Then when I was sitting there trying to recover, my mom comes out of her office/TV room with all of my Evil Dead videos and starts bitching at me for being into such evil, evil things (she found the Collector's Edition case of the first one that looks like the Book of the Damned and that I really should have known better than to leave in there and, well, freaked). First I tried to explain to her that those movies are comedies and not something that anyone with half a brain could take seriously, then I told her that my brother and little sister love them too and if she's going to lecture me she needs to wait till they're here so she can catch us all at once. But then she started in about how she's worried because I have a fixation with evil that I've had since I was a little kid (needless to say, she does not approve of Buffy). I pointed out that, yes, I have been into stuff like this since I was a kid, and hey! Still a Christian! I thought about trying to explain to her that INFP personality types in fact have a very strong sense of morality and that causes us to become fascinated with things that lie outside of our morality, and that that's why I've always enjoyed scary movies and vampire stories and such, and that that is perfectly normal for me and a whole bunch of other people and does not mean that we're all going to start worshiping Satan or what have you. But explanations like that don't tend to stick with her. So I tried to figure out what she was driving at and asked her point blank if she's trying to say that this is why I fell just then. She said no, but she does think that my "fixation with evil" causes me to be out from under God's protection and keeps me from getting blessed. Okay then, mom. I didn't bother to remind her that she said the same thing about my collection of vampire novels when I started having night terrors after my dad died, and that when she showed our pastor my books and ran this theory by him he could not have disagreed more.

Damn. I love my momma but she drives me loopy sometimes.

Ow. My back.

I've hurt myself. I bent or twisted or stooped wrong or something while I was scooping poop out of the catbox earlier (fun!), and now? Owwwww! My baaaaaaack! Waaaah!

See? This is why I can never be a contestant on TAR.

In other news, the first part of the new fic is up over at Dancing Lessons (I'm too lazy to link, but here are links to DL all over this page). I got impatient, but the second installment is going to wait until I hear back from ALL of my betas.

I just had a "Restless" epiphany. Normally I leave spec about that episode's meaning to georgevna, 'cause that's kinda her specialty; but this isn't speculation so much as a realization of, "Whoa! Did you see what they did there?" that came with the knowledge that Spike was actually crucified in the shooting script for "Never Leave Me."

From the "Restless" transcript:

(Color: Giles walking across the crypt.)
GILES: I still think Buffy should have killed you.

(B&W: Spike looks annoyed. He strikes a Jesus-on-the-cross pose. Very loud
oohs, cameras flashing.)

All these years I either didn't give Giles's line much importance, or I assumed he represented the Spike-haters in the audience who were proven wrong by Spike's various acts of self-sacrifice and heroism over the last couple of years (and I originally assumed he crucifix pose was all about the Glory torture). But in NLM this played out pretty damn literally. Spike tried to convince Buffy she should kill him. Buffy refused. Immediately after, Spike is taken away and crucified (symbolically, if not literally as in the shooting script), and his blood is used not to save the world but as an instrument of its destruction. Had Buffy listened to Spike and staked him, would the seal have been opened? Was Dream-Giles right? Should she have killed him to prevent the Uber-Vamp from being raised? Well, no, of course not, but there are bound to be some folks out there who think the answer is yes.

I really don't have much of a point, this was just one of those moments of understanding that made me shiver. And then do a happy dance, because if that bit o' "Restless" came to pass in such a literal and profound fashion then I have high hopes for the Spike-as-human/Watcher-in-training bit of Xander's dream.

Warning: This post contains language. If your sensibilities can't handle that then go the hell away.

I should've gone with my instincts this morning and stayed in bed. I got around for class on time, but I forgot my book, so I had to come back and get it, which made me late. So I sped to class. And got pulled over. And now I have to come up with $117 to pay the ticket. Fuck, man. I don't know where I'm going to come up with that. My mom said she'd pay it, but she can't really afford it either and, hell, I'm going to be 30 soon and I really don't need to be running to my mommy to bail me out whenever I get in trouble. And I swear, when you tell the hi-po that you are indeed in a hurry, they poke along as slow as they can writing up your ticket. The whole ordeal took ten minutes. What the hell takes so long? One more minute and I'd have missed the quiz entirely, and not been able to make it up because class was dismissed immediately after. And that, my friends, is the clincher. I didn't even need the fucking book.

Sometimes I hate my life.

So now I really have to pinch every penny, which means I can't afford to drive in to my sister's classroom just for the sake of visiting. Have to save up so I'll be able to afford the commute in January when it starts counting for a grade again. On the upside, since I'm stuck at home now I have plenty of time to write. Be careful what you wish for, right? Feh.

I should be in front of a mirror getting around to go to class, but I'm still in denial that I have to leave the house today. At least I got over the denial that I had to get out of bed and managed that much this morning. I really have to kick myself and re-examine my priorities when I start considering blowing off actual life obligations so I can stay home and write fic.

Speaking of, fenwic and adjrun have each posted new DL scenes (and there was much rejoicing!). I printed those off to take with me and beta on the go. Also, I finally got a beta back on the first (very short) part of the new fic (thanks, Abby!), so hopefully I'll be able to get that much of it up tonight.

Sigh. Time to get off my rump and begin my day.

Sigh. Tim Minear confirms Glenn Quinn's death.

That's a damn shame.

Okay, folks, the rumored death of Glenn "Doyle" Quinn isn't showing up on any news sites or celebrity obituary listings or geek rumor sites, all of which are up to date. I'm pretty sure that this is an erroneous rumor and that he's just fine. Don't go mourning Doyle all over again just yet.

The shooting script is up for "Never Leave Me." Drew Goddard is so totally a redemptionista. As per fenwic's suggestion, we should all send him a nice fruit basket.

I woke up for class this morning, saw snow, and went back to bed. It was nice. Now I'm lazing around in my flannel jammies and thinking that I'm just going to stay in them all day whilst I work on fic. And maybe try to catch up on e-mail. But mostly fic. This new one's kind of on hold until Aurelio Zen straightens me out on whether I've just screwed the setting all to hell or not, though I may forge ahead regardless since I've only got two weeks to get the whole thing finished. Although, DL seems to have run into a mountainous speedbump again, so I may need to take on more scenes there. But I need to stop thinking about that before I get myself so worked up and stressed out that I can't think about anything else. So. The Spike fic it is.

Last night I lost my connection right after I was let into the big chat and I couldn't get back on. Sorry 'bout that.

I had presentations all day today. I'm a-tired. Happy, though, 'cause it was the last day of my internship seminar and I finally talked to the Brit Boy, even though it was just in the context of a Q&A session about my internship experience. At least I can be fairly certain that he'll be in my Internship 2 class next semester, so I can have 9 more weeks of being a big honking coward and failing to make a move. Also happy because I just have to get through three more classes, one more poster presentation, one quiz and one test which is NOT a comprehensive final, and then I'm done with this semester.

I'm also ridiculously giddy over the upcoming Buffy ep. I broke down and read the TV Guide synopsis (just like I usually do) and this one was spoilery than they have been so far. Now I wish I wasn't spoiled. For one thing, I have to refrain from any more speculation discussions between now and then. Plus, I'd have liked to be surprised. So consider that your warning not to read the episode synopsis.

This article about fans o' Spike is really rather irksome. Pretty obvious that the author has never actually watched the show, nor did she bother to check any facts about the character. And don't even get me started on how shallow and pathetic it makes us look. Although, anyone with half a brain should realize that a twelve-year-old is probably not going to be very representative of the entire fanbase. And why the hell is she interviewing a twelve-year-old about Spike, anyway? According to the rating system she shouldn't even be watching this show. Also? How exactly does one "bleed suggestively"?

Terrence (who proofs schedules for TV Guide) just told me that there is a new Buffy ep scheduled for December 17th, but there's no title or episode info yet. Have to be sure to watch for the preview next week.

I was going to post this in the comments of truecrystal's LJ, but she doesn't allow anonymous (read: non-member; that's another thing I hate about LJ, how they don't allow for a distinction between truly anonymous posters and non-member guests) comments, so I'll respond here.

The smoochies are a-comin', oh yes they are. A lot of the same folks who say the chemistry is gone and all they see is a friendshippy vibe are the same ones who've consistently denied ever seeing chemistry between Buffy and Spike, and, well, they're wrong, because it's there. God, is it ever there. In that basement, it crackled between them even when they were clear across the room from each other. And as Buffy closed the gap between them, a lot of very significant and important stuff happened. You could see her making a decision, facing her doubts and fears and casting them aside as she approached him. She doesn't only go from hard and closed off to soft and open, she goes from being wary, flinching every time he rattles his chains, and distant to trusting, unflinching and in his face with her newfound confidence in him. And as she does she makes it clear that she doesn't hate him, doesn't hate herself, isn't in it for the pain. That's not what their relationship is about anymore. She is the one with the insight for a change, and here she knows him better than he knows himself, and she sees a man worth saving. I think something very crucial happened here -- that she made a conscience decision to put the attempted rape and everything else that happened between them behind her, to wipe the slate clean and start over, moving forward.

Yes, there was a clear offering of friendship, but the intimacy of that scene brought the hope of something more. I'm happy to see them building a strong friendship base before they become romantically involved again. But so far this season they've shown that Spike has more loyalty and commitment than any other man on the show, which is something Buffy with her abandonment issues needs desperately. They've shown that he respects her, and have made him into someone she respects. They've pretty much tailored Spike into the perfect man for her, and have brought her to a place where she's dealing with her emotional scars and is healing enough to open up and allow herself to be vulnerable again. Logically, and realistically, there's just no way that they've done all this and brought both characters to this point so that they can just be good friends. Plus, two people who are that hot onscreen together aren't going to remain platonic for very long. Especially not in the last season when there's nothing to lose by getting them together.

In other news, this fic idea has taken over my brain and won't let me focus on anything else, so at this point I think I have to write it. But it's not going to go where y'all expect. For some reason my brain likes to place Spike in the oddest situations.

A ficlet. Possibly a prelude to something bigger. An idea's a-brewin', but I haven't decided whether I want to write the whole thing. So this may be all there is. Enjoy. Or mock at your leisure, but hopefully you'll enjoy that too.

He felt cold. Strange, that. He was cold by default, so he never really noticed it. To be warm, that was the anomaly. The thing to be noticed. Savored. But now he was so cold. At least he'd finally stopped shivering. Maybe. Couldn't really tell any more, truth be told. No ... he'd stopped. Shivering took more energy than he had to give.

The cold was just an extension of the darkness. The others had taken all the light with them when they'd left, left him there, hanging by his straps. He had no blood left to rush to his head, but he still felt woozy. Weak. Lifeless. This was what dying felt like, some part of him remembered. This was what those girls had felt, before he'd buried them. At least they'd gotten to finish. No such mercy for him. For him this feeling would go on forever.

She kept telling him that. Coming to him, long after they'd left. The room was too dark for even his enhanced vision to make out anything but black, but she brought her own light. She glowed from within as she told him, softly, that nobody would come for him. That even if they did, the room was hidden, they wouldn't find him. But they weren't coming, she said. They believed he'd gone willingly. That he'd turned against them. And if they did find him, they would kill him.

That was what she said. But he knew. He knew she wasn't the real one. He was on to this one's tricks. Wouldn't be fooled again. Her voice, nearby, calling his name ... he didn't know if that was real. He wanted it to be. But even if it was, he had no voice to answer. Probably all in his head, anyway.

In the basement -- the other basement. That had been real. It -- she'd -- oh, God. She could see him now. She could see ... and she ...

He felt himself shaking again. Not shivering, though. The moisture running down his nose wasn't blood. Sod it all, he was crying. He'd done his best not to holler when he was being sliced and diced, or when that thing had come crawling up out of the ground, unleashed by his own blood. He'd kept mum whenever the other one taunted him, tried to get a rise out of him. But now ...

She believed in him. And all he could do was hang here and weep like a bloody useless git, praying she believed enough to come and save him.