Oh, that reminds me. A British guy off-handedly called me "Love" today, and I've been giggling like a little girl about it ever since.

The things I derive joy from are silly and sad, aren't they?

Hee.


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Like these questions were hard.


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That picture cracks me up every single time.

Link pilfered from Fox

I actually started out feeling pretty okay today, but now I've got one giant mother of a headache. But while I felt decent, I managed to answer about three weeks' worth of e-mail, so go me.

Yesterday I wrote the prologue to my novel. Again I say, go me. I posted it to my feedback list/cheering section, but nobody's even acknowledged that they received it yet. But Tess read it, and she liked it, and thinks I'm off to a good start, so yay.

I also bought new clothes last night, so yay, again. First time in a very, very long while that I bought clothes that had just come out and were not on clearance. That was fun.

I'm trying to justify using part of my loan money to buy a new TV/VCR combo. We only have one VCR in the house that is at all reliable when it comes to recording and not eating tapes, and my TV is so damn tiny that I have to wheel it over so it's about a foot from the couch if I want to actually see anything. Plus, my teeny TV is too old to work with my DVD player. I think that's all pretty good justification right there. Plus, Tess says that I deserve to splurge on something that big for myself on account of making and maintaining really good grades for the first time in my entire academic career. This is why Tess is my best friend, y'all. Okay, so she's something of an enabler, but still.

georgevna also had a lot of smarty-pants things to say re: "Lessons."

Adjrun has finally organized her thoughts on Spike in "Lessons." Go read them, 'cause she's a smarty-pants.

Still feeling crappy. I didn't go to internship today on account of said crappy feelingness, and when I called in to say so I got the voicemail and left a message. So just as Firefly's beginning I get a message on the machine from my sister wondering where I was today. I waited until Firefly was over to call her back, because that's how I am, and discovered that she has no idea how to access her voicemail. So I'll be helping her figure that out on Monday.

Firefly was good, though not as big with the humor as last week's. I'm really enjoying Adam Baldwin's character. No redeeming qualities whatsoever, but I still like him.

Now I'm going to stay off AIM and try to write something. I haven't written anything since I finished PW (not counting that latest essay on the Tao), which was very stupid of me, because now I'm having trouble getting it going again. I know that this always happens whenever I take "vacations" from writing, and yet I do so anyway. One of these days, I'll learn. I might even go back to the boards sometime tonight and finish the Spike & Giles thought that I started before I crashed earlier today, though I've a feeling I'm the only one who cares. I might just delete it instead. Along with all of the other threads that nobody else is using. ... Or maybe I should just stay away from the control panel until I'm in a better mood.

I had a nice, lengthy post all written about my day, and it was well written and witty despite the fact that I feel like crap on toast. Including the parts that explained why I feel like crap on toast. But Blogger ate it.

Feh.

So, so tired. Two nights in a row of not sleeping well followed by a night spent in a Nyquil-induced coma with not enough hours to sleep it all off has left me, well, tired.

Anyway. In gender psych today we watched Reviving Ophelia, an info video based on the book of the same title. It included clips from Buffy, so that was exciting. I am apparently the only Buffy fan in the entire class, though, because nobody else went "meep!" when Spike appeared on screen. Anyway, again. The point was the depiction of women in shows targeted at teenage girls, and intermingled with other shows (mostly WB series -- imagine that!) were shots of Cordy & the Cordettes (including Harmony), Drusilla (flanked by Angel and Spike -- meep!), and Buffy herself. The longest clip was the one of Buffy. It was of Buffy entering the school library dressed in her little black trench-coat and heels (and nothing else), trying to seduce Xander in "Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered."

Now while I see where they were coming from, and even agree with the point the video was trying to make, I gotta say it raised my hackles to see that scene included. For one thing, it was totally out of context and made no mention of the fact that Buffy was under the influence of a love spell and that that is not normal for her. And also, this is Buffy we're talking about. Super hero, both physically and emotionally strong, a highly intelligent woman and shrewed warrior who happens to like girly things but also has no problem with doing activities that will leave her covered in demon goo. Last season's behavior aside, she's really not a bad role model for a teenage girl to have. Then there's the fact that this show was really never meant to be targeted at teenage girls, and that was always a point of contention with the WB. They've managed to make that more clear since switching over to UPN. And also? Not one mention of Willow or Tara, neither of whom fit the conventional, unhealthy standards of female beauty that the show was being accused of promoting, and both of whom are nonetheless treated on the show as beautiful, desirable women. So, yeah. It kind of irked me to see the show portrayed in that light. But still, I got to see Spike while I was in class, so yay!

On a different (but still Buffy-related) note, I was initially a tetch dismayed that they didn't clear up once and for all that Spike intended to get the soul. So many people still think that he went to Lurky to get his chip removed, and the soul was a cruel cosmic joke, or granting him his "true" desire, or somesuch, but that he in no way intended for that to be the result. I suppose I can't blame them when even James Marsters thought that was the case and was shocked when Joss revealed over the summer that no, Spike never intended to get dechipped, he wanted the soul, that was the whole point.

Jane Espenson gave an interview on the Succubus Club the night "Grave" aired, and she also confirmed that yes, Spike meant to get his soul back. She said they deliberately tried to mislead us so it would be a surprise, but that she personally thought that was silly because, why would Spike need to get dechipped if he wanted revenge on Buffy when the chip doesn't work on her anyway? She was surprised when people didn't figure it out from the subtext. I just want to go on record as saying that some of us did. A lot of places deemed these interviews spoilers and we weren't allowed to talk about this stuff over the summer, but I'm tired of pussyfooting around it. And I'm tired of seeing people go on about what a poor job Mutant Enemy did with that storyline if we were supposed to believe that Spike really wanted a soul. Excuse me, just because you didn't glean this from the subtext doesn't mean they handled it poorly or that it wasn't there to be gleaned.

Gah. Anyway. Spike came to a decision at the end of "Seeing Red," a decision to change himself to be either fully monster or fully man. It never even occurred to me at this point that he'd decided to get the chip out. My big fear at the time was that he would become human. Once he got to Africa, he requested specifically that Lurky "make [him] what [he] was, so [he] can give that bitch what she deserves." Again, I was still thinking, human. I never thought the chip entered in. I never thought he wanted revenge. I read this as him being sincere in wanting to be able to give Buffy what she deserves -- someone who can be there for her and be an assett and support her instead of dragging her down into the darkness and causing her to compromise herself and her morals and her convictions. I wasn't even thrown by "that bitch." He was angry with her, naturally, and he resented the hell out of her for making him have to resort to such drastic measures as altering his entire being and becoming something he loathes just so he could stand a shot at being seen as good enough for her. In fact, I kind of agreed with the bitch assessment, looking at it from his POV. He loved her, he was prepared to do anything for her, but part of him hated her for it. But not enough to keep him from going through with it.

Anyway. The point is that I was hoping that, for the benefit of those who avoid ME staff interviews, something would happen or be said to make it clear that yes, Spike did intend to get the soul, the chip was just a red herring. Upon first viewing, I was cheered by the fact that the resouling clip in the previouslies was edited to remove a lot of the ambiguity, but I was disappointed when nothing happened to confirm this during the episode. But it occured to me a while ago that yes, it did. It wasn't blatantly stated, but it was still heavily implied, in the Big Evil's speech to Spike at the end:

BE/The Mayor: So what'd you think, you'd get your soul back and everything'd be jim-dandy? A soul's more slippery than a greased weasel, why do you think I sold mine? Well you probably thought that you'd be your own man, and I respect that.

And then:

BE/The Master: ...You'll learn that you're a pathetic schmuck, if it hasn't sunk in already. Look at you. Trying to do the right thing, like her.

So according to this entity, which seems to have a pipeline into Spike's mind (if it's not a figment of his imagination to begin with, and I don't think it is), Spike thought about what the soul would do for him, presumably before he got it (since he doesn't seem to be in a very rational frame of mind post-ensoulment), which implies to me that the soul was his goal all along. Also according to the entity, Spike was trying to do the right thing, which certainly doesn't suggest he had revenge on his mind when he went to Africa.

So. I'm a happy Jean. Some of the audience will probably still need something more blatant and anvillicious before they can accept that Spike meant to get his soul back, but that's their problem. As far as I'm concerned, this episode told us otherwise.

When nephew #2 was four years old, he had a fondness for the word woobie. He didn't have a definition for it, he just liked to say it. On New Year's Eve that year, at midnight, he ran through the house screaming it over and over at the top of his lungs. It was hilarious and cute as all hell. Every time he said it it was cute. Because he was four.

Today was rough. Most of the kids were acting up and throwing tantrums and just plain not fun. Between that and the sleep deprivation I had to come straight home and take a wee nap. Then I had to watch Buffy again. So I'm all fresh and ready to talk about it now!

Spoilers ahoy.

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Okay. First, what I didn't like: Willow actually said "goddess," thus justifying one of my biggest fanfic pet peeves ever. That pissed me off. And this ep was written by Joss, too. Grrr.

Um. That's about it for that column. I didn't hate Dawn and the Junior Scoobies, but I hope focusing on them won't be too much of a trend. Everything else, I loved. Giles! On horseback! Looking all sexy in his riding coat and riding boots! And he told Willow her magic's not an addiction! I love Giles. Love, love, LOVE Giles.

As for Willow, I'm already speculating that, what with all of her connectedness and whatnot, she'll get her big shot at redemption by being the only one powerful enough to defeat the new big bad.

Xander's still on the puffy side, but he looked good in that suit. Nice suit, nice new car ... they didn't actually come out and say, but I'm thinking he must be running his own contracting business now. At any rate, he seems to be doing pretty well for himself. Let's hope that the outward grownup-ness has also translated to inward grownupness and that he'll no longer be an asshole.

Anya's shirt was terrible. So was her hair, though I'm kinda glad to see her as a brunette again. Too soon to tell what up with her.

Hallie has been a vengeance demon since at least the Crimean war, which means that if she is indeed Cecily I was right about her being in disguise when William tried to woo her and got so thoroughly crushed and humiliated for his efforts, and that Spike is in no way responsible for her becoming a demon. Yay!

I like Principal Hottie, and I hope he's not evil and doesn't get eaten. Unless of course he's being set up as a romantic interest for Buffy, in which case, bring on the principal-devouring demons!

Buffy's all better. Yay! Buffy called Spike a hottie. Whee! Buffy did not look at all unhappy to see Spike again. Yippee! Buffy looked all concerned and worried about him. Eeeee! Plus, she gets a new job and gets to have long hair again and she did that cool fighty thing with that purse full o' bricks. Yay, Buffy!

As for Spike: Sigh. And, swoon. And, sniff! My poor, crazy, platinum-tipped baby. I totally underestimated how badly the soul would mess him up. However! I also totally called the shizo, William/Spike dueling personalities. Yay on me! Anyway. When he showed up, my heart started pounding, and that had to be the longest freaking commercial break ever. The bit where Buffy checks out his wounds and he admits to trying to cut "it" out (it being either his heart or his soul or his pain or his love for Buffy or possibly even his demon, according to all of the different interpretations on AIM last night; although my first impression was his heart) was just beautiful, and between that and the bit where he was huddled and rocking and repeating "She won't understand" just broke my heart. This season is purportedly supposed to be fairly light on the angst, though, so I'm sure he'll get better. And Buffy's undisguised concern was a good sign. And also? Spike pretty.

The big bad thing at the end was just cool. I did not expect the parade o' villains. My take is that it was primarily a visual cue to the audience that whatever this thing is, it's more evil and more powerful than every powerful being in the history of the show, including Buffy. Beyond that, it's too soon to speculate too much. Obviously Spike fits into this thing's agenda, and there's no telling how long it's been screwing with his head. The most obvious possibility is that it's the First Evil; it's MO matched what the FE did to Angel in "Amends," when it tried to turn him against Buffy. And if that's the case then the robey guys in Istanbul were most likely the FE's followers. But that's probably too obvious. So I'm just gonna wait and see.

In the "It's All. About. Spike." deptarment: Giles, to Willow: "We are all who we are, no matter how much we may appear to have changed" (or something like that). Meaning, as applied to Spike, that he is still Spike, despite the soul; but also that he is and has always been William. He lost that part of himself that made him a good man when he got turned, but personality-wise he was still, essentially, William. "Fool for Love" even blatantly showed us that Spike began as an invented persona. But he's worn that persona for so long that it's become his true identity. He's as much Spike now as he is William, the soul really makes no difference on that count; but now he's got the good part of himself back. Hopefully his conscience won't take 90 years to figure out how to cope with all the evil things he's done the way Angel's did and that it won't take too long for him to pull himself together.

Finally: I didn't watch the Emmy's on Sunday because once again James Marsters didn't even get nominated. His performance in this ep just proved what a travesty that is. He nailed crazy, tormented Spike and put all of Boreanaz's falling down and constipated twitching to complete and utter shame. God, he's amazing. How is it that he's so underrecognized in Hollywood? Can somebody please explain this to me? It's just because he plays a vampire, isn't it? Feh.

I stayed up way too late chatting about BtVS. As such, I slept in and didn't go to class. Have to go to internship, though, so I'll dazzle you with my Buffy thoughts when I get back home. I'm sure the suspense is killing you.

I don't know what happened to my comments. They still show up on archived pages. If they don't reappear by the time I get home I'll reinstall them.

EEEEEE! I just realized nobody's going to be home and I'll get the big TV to myself tonight. EEEEEE!

2 hours, 10 minutes and counting ...

EEEEEE!

Woo-hoo! I found a new blog comment server!

EEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEE!!!

Sorry. Just had to get that out of the way first.

Warning the first: I'm sleep deprived, random, and prone to rambling today.

Warning the second: Anybody who tries to contact me during primetime television hours tonight will be met with silence. Unless you do it in person, in which case there could be yelling. The Tuesday night television viewing rituals begin anew tonight, and they are taken very seriously here at the House o' Jean. I cannot be held responsible for the rude things that might come out of my mouth nor the decibel level thereof if you interrupt new Buffy.

I was up till three this morning studying for my first Perspectives exam. I think I did okay on it, despite being verra verra sleepy, and also despite the fact that every time I marked B on the multiple choice section my brain would start up a rousing chorus of (to the tune of "C is for Cookie"), "B is for Buffy! It's to-night on TV!" Let's just all be relieved that I didn't actually do this out loud and move on, shall we? There were only three multiple choice questions I had to guess at, and I managed to remember enough to earn at least partial credit on each of the essay questions, so I should be looking at a B (which stands for what?), at least. Not bad for the first exam, I don't think.

I went over to the library after the test and jotted off the short essay on how the Tao does or does not apply to my internship site that was due at 12:30. After I woke up and realized I'd been drooling on the keyboard I decided to just drop the essay off at the prof's office and come home. Lesson learned, again: I am too old for all night cramming sessions. Anyway. I got home and tried to take a real nap, but after lying there for twenty minutes thinking "BuffyBuffyBuffyGetOFFmefreakingcatDAMNitBuffyBuffyBuffyHey, I could go read some fanfic!" I gave up and got up. So now I'm just chillin' and killin' time until the premiere. And doing it very sleepily.

I might have to put down the fic and go watch James on E! again. And again. And again. And ag-- you get it. You know what I think really appeals to me whenever I see him in interviews and such (and we're talking James as opposed to Spike, so this is besides the sheer hotness factor)? He always conveys a keen intelligence combined with a sense of fun and playfullness that is just too damned sexy for his shirt. Especially that shirt. Excuse me whilst I spend a moment in my happy place.

And I'm back. And I'm cold. The weather's doing that funky transitional thing where it's really not yet cool enough to turn off the AC yet it's not really that hot outside, and as such it's hard to find a happy medium inside. Just one degree in the wrong direction and I'll either freeze my rear off or bake. The pets seem to appreciate having it just this side of the freezing line, so I guess I'll just go put on a sweater.

I hope people use my boards tonight to discuss the show. I'll be irate if I have to go hunting for Buffy chatter. Especially if it lands me at That "We're bringing the bitter and you can like it or leave it!" Other Place. Heh, see what I did there, with the acronym, and ... yeah.

My brain amuses me.

So Perfect World, which is finished, and posted, and which I never have to ponder again, was to be my last big fanfic hurrah, right? Officially, at least -- nevermind the scene I posted recently because I've already talked myself out of that fic ... for the most part. And also, Dancing Lessons doesn't count. Anyway. The point is, I am officially at-least-semi-retired from writing fanfic, and my writing priority (again, not counting DL) is my novel. It is, dammit! Which I had to remind my brain rather insistently when it assaulted me with a brand new fic idea as soon as I woke up this morning. "Fine!" my brain eventually relented, and I thought the matter over. But then all day long it kept showing me scenes and plot variations and spiffy dialogue and doing all it could do to plead this story's case. But no! I am strong! I will not succumb to the lure of the pretty fic idea! I have a novel to write, for which I could actually get paid and begin a career!

Okay, I lie. I'm not strong. I'm very, very weak. As such I'm going to attempt to remove temptation by offering up this idea as a challenge, because if I know it's being done by others that will (theoretically) ruin the appeal of writing it for me. So here's the basic premise: Buffy becomes ill, and the only cure involves "blood and ash from one [vampire] whose kiss [the victim] has known" (and by the by, feel free to word this better; but you get the idea). Spike initially offers himself up, but they figure out that "kiss" means "bite" and as such he's not a candidate. Once everybody convinces Spike that he can't kill Angel to save Buffy, he (and whoever wants to go with him) sets out to hunt down Dracula. My only rule is that it must be pro-redemption and that it cannot be anti-S/B. It needn't necessarily be 'shippy, but no proselytizing about how they should never be together, ever. Also, no slash. I guess that's actually three rules. But they're easy rules.

Please let me know if you decide to take this on so that my brain can stop trying to write this fic behind my back. Thank you.

Oh. And I also finally bought some printer ink last night, so I'm going to do my damnedest today to get the remainder of the DL CDs put together and ready to mail.

Today I'm all about DL site maintenance and getting the rest of PW online. I just realized I've got the new part of Keren & Meredith's story sitting on my hard drive and I haven't even read it yet, let alone coded it. I've also got a chunk of Fiona's new fic sitting in my "To Beta" folder that I keep forgetting about. If you've ever thought about asking me to beta read a story for you, you should know that as far as reliability and timeliness goes, I'm a suck beta. With Fiona I doubly suck because she's one of my PW betas and she's extremely reliable and timely, so I get to have added guilt with that one. Anyway. I've also got some award nominations that I guess I should go get buttons for and put them on the awards page. And I've been thinking about setting up a Yahoo list for Fic Picks so whenever I update that page it can just get mailed to everybody who cares (one of those added BloggerPro services, y'know. I intend to get all of my money's worth out of this subscription). So those are my big plans for the day. Exciting, no? Yeah, I didn't really think so either.

Perfect World is finished. Perfect World is also 56,000 words long. That, folks, is a novel. A short novel, but a novel nonetheless.

I am, of course, kicking myself.

PW is inching ever closer to the finish line. I've got all these snippets of dialogue and action and ideas written for the final scene, so that I don't forget to include anything. Now I just have to figure out how they all fit together and segue into one another. Which is, of course, the hard part. La.

Haven't been in much of a blogging mood, which is sad because now I've stuff to blog about. I wanted to reinstate Survivor Haiku, but nothing in the first ep. inspired me. Maybe I could get one about what a jerk that skater guy is, but it seemed a little too obvious. I watched Firefly last night. I'm in deep like already. I'm sure I'll cross over into love before too long. I just hope Fox treats Whedon better than they've treated Chris Carter and his non X-Files ventures. Knowing how they (Fox, that is) are, I'm a little wary of letting myself get too attached. But it might already be too late. I'm still adjusting to the concept that the next run of original Farscape episodes will be the last, if I have to deal with this new show not picking up an audience and getting axed too, I ... well, I'll be upset, that's what. I might even have to start going out on Friday nights. Not like there would be anything good on TV.

Anyway. I'm trying to keep my EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!-ness over new Buffy to a minimum, but it's hard, especially what with James Marsters hosting and doing a special on E! and just being all over the place this week. Speaking of which, I'm going to have to get dressed and drag myself to Wal-Mart to buy video tapes at some point today. I won't be watching Sunday's E! special (the Emmy special, that is; James will be giving Wanda a tour of the Buffy set. Check your local listings.), because I fear spoilers. So I'll have to tape it and watch it ... um, well, after November sweeps wrap up should be pretty safe. Of course, if it's not at all spoilery, hopefully somebody will be kind enough to tell me that it's safe to go ahead and watch it.

In other news: This week was my first week at my internship site (my sisters elementary ED class, for those of you just tuning in). Highlights include watching my sister restrain a not-so-little boy after he threw a chair during a temper tantrum. That chick knows some moves. It was pretty cool. I don't know how long she held him on the floor while he screamed his head off, but there was no way that kid was getting up until he calmed down. I know because when she learned those holds she came over and tried one of them on me. Which was especially annoying because she didn't warn me first, she just took me down. And I absolutely could not get back up until she let me up. Which was irksome, but still. I want to learn how to do that.

I'm going to finish Perfect World today if that's the only thing I do. Erm, that is, the only thing I do besides writing this entry and going to Wal-Mart. At any rate, the rest of the story will get posted tomorrow night, so if you're following it you might want to watch for that. Aurelio Zen pulled out of the DL lineup, so I'm going to be writing one of her upcoming episodes. I'm not sure I actually have time for that, and I probably should have delegated it, but it's one of those things where I know and see so clearly what needs to happen that I can either bug the hell out of another author with myriad suggestions, or I can just do it myself. So I'm going to. Do it myself, that is.

I also have a lot of school-related stuff to do this weekend, such as a test to study for, but I'm putting that out of my mind until my story's finished. I'm not sure how, but I'll manage to squeeze it all in. Alas, something has to give, and as such I've been neglecting the band. After my test on Tuesday I'm going to have to scramble to catch up on that front. I don't even know how the drummer search is coming. And I still have to mail off a press kit and all of the application signatures to SxSW. Which I really hope I'll get to go to. I don't know yet when my spring break will be. I'm gonna be sad if these events don't line up and I have to stay home for midterms or something.

I Am A Straight Woman

Well here's a rarity. You're obviously straight. You're not trying too hard to portray some femaninity, nor are you dressing like a man, lusting after women, or getting caught in compramising positions at the playboy mansion

Take the Sexual Orientation Quiz

Link pilfered from adjrun (Hee! I can link to adj now!)

Several of my friends banded together and started themselves some Live Journal accounts. So of course, I had to link them. I also added some blogs that I've been meaning to add for a long time now.

I woke up feeling crappy this morning. We had a storm last night -- a very loud, scary storm -- that kept me up. And it also kicked up a lot of whatever it is that I'm allergic to. Wuss that I am, after my alarm went off this morning and I got up to shut it off (I have to put it clear across the room to keep myself from hitting the snooze button in my sleep), I went back to bed instead of going to class.

But I did get around and go to my PM class, where I turned in the surveys that y'all were so kind to help me with. I also found out that my university has to make half a million dollars' worth of budget cuts and tuition will go up a whole lot next year. Which won't affect me if I graduate in May, but if they don't offer all the rest of the classes I need next semester, that won't happen. Bleah.

I was originally going to use this post to pontificate on why I don't like LiveJournal, but then I decided I really don't care. And with all of my friends having just signed up for it I was bound to piss somebody off. So nevermind. Although I am concerned by the fact that there is no way in hell I'm going to be able to keep up with everybody's journal entries and somebody's bound to get their feelings hurt when I don't show up to comment on their brilliance. As if they ever comment on my blog. Well, okay, a couple of them do. But most of them I don't think even read it regularly, so I'm not gonna feel too bad about neglecting their LJs.

New Survivor tonight! Whee! After that, I'm gonna try to stay up and finish PW. Since I slept in today that just might actually be doable.

Thanks to everybody who participated in my survey. I've got enough responses now to make the grade.

Sigh. The day that I do an assignment with plenty of time left to spare will be the day that ... something else really unusual happens.

I need three college students to answer the following survey. Preferably there'll be at least one guy in the mix, since it's for my gender psych. class. It's due tomorrow afternoon. You can answer here or e-mail your answers to me. Your name will not appear on the questionnaire, but I do need to know your gender.

Instructions: Take a moment to consider the reasons you are pursuing your college degree. Consider each of the factors listed below and rate on the following scale where 1 = "very unimportant," 5 = "very important," and 3 is neutral.

__1. Your own skills and abilities.

__2. The financial worth of a college degree.

__3. Couldn't arrange anything better to do.

__4. Your desire for self-fulfillment.

__6. Luck, accidental, unplanned. (Yeah, I didn't write these questions, and I don't get some of them either. --cj)

__7. The prestige that comes from obtaining a college degree.

__8. Drifting along, easier to finish than not.

__9. Your enjoyment of the process of earning your college degree.

Thank you very much in advance for your participation and for your help.

Spending my morning at the library. All of the articles I pulled last week for my paper turned out to be useless, so the day before the paper is due, I'm switching topics and having to start the research from scratch. Fun fun fun. Except, not. The real bugger is that I haven't a clue what these papers are supposed to be about. I mean, I have my topic (which is now the Insanity Defense), but no angle. So figuring out where to start's going to be the hard part.

From here I go to my sister's elementary school to begin my internship. That'll be fun. That's not a sarcastic fun, by the way. Then I guess I'll go camp out at a coffee shop (far, far away from my computer and the temptation of AIM) and read the articles I pulled this morning. Then I can go home and write the paper. That last part shouldn't be too hard once I figure out an angle to start from. At any rate, I have a feeling that tonight is going to be a very long night.

I just got some spam that said "HAIR GROWTH: Get your own hair back!" I misread it as "Get your own hairy back!" I sat here for a while pondering the implications before I finally figured out what it really said.

I haven't had my coffee yet.

My latest web endeavor: The RJP Posting Boards. I'm trying to consolidate all of my communities in one place, and this also has fora for the band and for this blog. So if you want to comment on the inane crap I post here, you can go there to do it. Naturally, the biggest chunk of it is reserved for BtVS discussion.

Once you've registered, you have to log in. If it won't let you post, please make sure you're logged in before you e-mail me about it.

For those of you waiting for more Perfect World (It's coming along. Really.), I thought I'd help you pass the time with a preview of the new fic. Actually, it's not so much a preview as it is all I've got so far. And there's a slight chance this is all there will ever be. At any rate, it's a nice break from the angst. Enjoy.

~~~

He wasn't sure which part had left him more gobsmacked: the words themselves, or the off-handed way she'd said them.

"We should go out sometime. Like a real date. Just to try it, I mean."

Either way, that was to blame for Spike's standing around with his mouth hanging open like a royal git instead of paying attention to the fight. Subsequently, he soon found himself lying on the ground underneath a three-hundred pound vampire who thought twisting his head off would be jolly fun. But before Spike could even think about trying to get his arms unpinned, the fat bastard went poof, and Spike was covered in dust.

"You okay?" Buffy held her hand out.

"Um."

She squatted beside him. "Spike?"

He shook his head and raised up on his elbows. "Tell me, Pet. Did I hit my head extra hard, or did you just use the words 'we' and 'date' in the same sentence?"

"Yes, and yes. Well, actually it was two sentences."

He raised a hand to the knot where his head had impacted with the ground, and winced. "Bloody hell, Slayer, you don't just spring something like that on a bloke!"

"Well excuse me, Mr. former enemy, ex ... whatever, newly soul-having guy! I don't know the protocol here, I'm kinda having to make it up as I go!"

Spike just stared at her. Unbelievable, she was. Four months he'd been back, and it had taken three of those months to work back up to regular slaying partners and -- dare he say it -- friends. No indication from her all this time that she'd even thought about them being more than that, and then bam! She wants to date. Just like that. He tilted his head and squinted at her. "So what brought on this sudden attack of wanting to date me?"

She shrugged and looked down at her hands as she rubbed her palms on her jeans. "It's not that sudden. I just thought ... well, I mean, it was either throw you down and have my way with you in the middle of the cemetery, or this. And seeing as how that first option turned out so well the last time I tried it ..." Spike was vaguely aware that his mouth hung open again, but he couldn't seem to summon the motor control required to shut it. Buffy met his eyes. "I thought maybe this time we could do it right."

Spike continued to stare as that last part sunk in. "This time ..."

"Unless you've changed your mi--" Her eyes grew wide, then she closed them and rolled her head back. "I am such an idiot."

She started to stand up, but Spike's hand shot out of its own volition -- thankfully, because he was still working on that motor control thing -- and grabbed her arm. He found the wherewithal to sit all the way up and look her in the eye. "You want to do it right this time," he repeated.

"If you do."

"If I ..." Spike bit back a laugh. She looked all vulnerable, and somehow he didn't think she'd take it the right way if he burst out laughing right in her face. Instead he climbed to his feet. By God, he'd show her right.

He held out a hand. She took it and let him pull her up. "Miss Summers," he said, summoning all of his Victorian grace and filtering it through his hundred-plus years of charming women.

Buffy raised her eyebrows. "What happened to your accent? You sound all Giles-y."

Spike took a step back, put a hand on his chest, and bowed to her like a proper gentleman. "I would be greatly and humbly honored if you would do me the courtesy of allowing me to escort you out on the town at your earliest convenience."

She rolled her eyes. "And I thought you were weird before the soul."

Spike flashed a grin and straightened up. "So do you want to go out with me or what?"

She took a step closer and looked up into his eyes. "I'm free this Saturday."

God, it was all he could do not to kiss her. But that wouldn't be right. "Pick you up after sunset?"

Buffy smiled. "It's a date."

So, for reasons which I'm still unclear on, we're having to read the Tao Te Ching and the Art of War for Internship seminar. The first writing assignment was to provide our thoughts on the Tao. Here's what I wrote:

RESPONSE TO THE TAO TE CHING

Upon reading this text, I was surprised to find how similar many of the teachings are to those found in both the Old and New Testaments of the Christian Bible. The Tao contains a lot of wisdom that can be applied to all aspects of my life, such as not being judgmental or closed-minded, humbling myself, loving my fellow man as I love myself, practicing humility, letting go of ambition and pride and so forth; however, these are things that I already knew from the Bible and the teachings of Christ.

Other things in this book made me wary of putting too much stock in this philosophy. While I don’t necessarily think that this text is anti-God, there are a few statements in the text that are in direct contradiction to my faith. In Chapter Four, the author writes that the Tao is “older than God.” In the Christian faith, God is eternal, with no beginning and no ending, so according to my faith this statement is simply not possible. Chapter 25 makes a similar claim that the Tao is the mother of the universe, which conflicts with my belief that the Judeo-Christian God created the universe and is the driving force behind all things.

I also disagree with the idea that if we let go of morality and goodness, the people will be happy. Let me amend that -- I do agree with that statement, because the flesh will certainly be satisfied if it is free of moral constraints and that could definitely lead to short-term happiness. I do realize that this is not the intended meaning; but I do not believe that if we let go of the concept of morality and goodness, immorality and evil will simply disappear. Just because evil is not defined does not mean that it does not exist or that people won’t still perpetrate it.

One thing that I do agree with is the concept of “not-doing.” As a writer, I know from experience the truth of this concept. Often the best thing I can do for my stories is to stop trying to write them. When I do this, the words invariably come to me; but when I try to force the story out, I usually end up with writer’s block.

Like I said, I do think that there is a lot of wisdom in this book, and in Eastern philosophy in general, that has merit and lends itself to practical application in my life; but these are truths that can also be found in the Bible. The Tao is a nice, artfully written and succinct reminder of these truths.

I haven't gotten a grade back yet.

Which Izzard Are You?

Kid Izzard: You still find a way to look at life in an innocent way, even though those around you marvel at your naive opinions. But the world wasn't made just for the grown-ups around you, so dodge your subway fare and get the most out of life!

I'm skipping my classes today. I actually unintentionally skipped the AM class because I took a benadryl last night and I just could not wake up this morning. And when I did I was all dizzy and naseated and had to go lie back down. Ick. I need to get some sudafed. I hate benadryl. But now I'm off topic. Anyway, now that I'm up, I've decided to go ahead and miss my PM class because I've so much to do that really needs to get done today.

I shoulda-coulda-woulda done a lot of it yesterday, but I decided that the best tribute I could make was to enjoy life and the freedom I'm priveledged to have. No, that's not a lame excuse to laze around and do nothing all day. I did go to class yesterday, actually. Then I came home and started to watch some of the news coverage, but Peter Jennings was talking to this woman who's husband called her from one of the planes and left a message on her answering machine telling her how much he loved her, and I'm getting all choked up just typing this so you can imagine what a mess I was listening to her tell the story. After I cried a while I decided that really wasn't how I wanted to spend the whole day. So I perched in my window seat (with my lovely new seat cushions!) and read Neverwhere. Not the whole thing, but a significant portion of it. Man, I love that book. It's been long enough since the first time that I forgot a lot of stuff. I actually remember a lot of minor things, but big, important plot stuff, I forgot. So I'm enjoying that. Anyway. Read till my butt started to hurt (the cushions aren't that thick), then I tried to write. And stared at the screen. And stared. And stared some more. So then I went for a drive, hoping to shake something loose in my blocked brain, and ended up at a St. Louis Bread Co. where I drank too much coffee and wrote two pages longhand. Then I came home and typed those up and added to it. And I started a new fic (Shut. Up.), a short, one-shot Spuffy fic that will be romantic and schmoopy and funny and extremely low on angst. Because I just really need that after the big, dark, creepy, depressing, angsty ball of angst that is Perfect World.

So that was yesterday. Today, I need to catch up on all the stuff in my To Beta folder, answer quite a lot of e-mail, make some changes to the band's web site (we lost our drummer. We need a new one. Details forthcoming), find out about sending them to SxSW, find out if the recording studio that did their demo CD is back open for business, put together and mail the rest of the DL CDs that I still owe people, pad my bibliography for the paper I have to write this weekend, and study for a test. And hopefully get some more PW written.

Ooh! I just got an e-mail from my sister saying her principal finally gave permission for me to intern in her classroom, so I'll start that on Monday. That'll be fun. Mostly. And I can stop stressing over that now, so yay.

All righty then. Imonna go get to work.

A year ago at about this time I received an e-mail from Aurelio Zen. She was freaking out because a plane had crashed into the World Trade Center and they were getting ready to evacuate her downtown Manhattan office building. I was late for class and didn't have time to turn on the news, and it never even occurred to me that it was anything more than a tragic, freak accident. Or that it was anything bigger than a prop plane. I shot back an e-mail to say that I'd pray for her and asked her to write back when she got a chance to let me know she was okay, and then I went to class. It wasn't until I got there and my professor had suspended his regular lecture to talk us through what was happening that I figured out something big was going on, and it wasn't until I got back home and finally turned on the news, just in time to watch the second tower collapse, that the enormity of it all hit me. After sitting on my sofa in shock long enough to watch all of the replays a few more times, I went to bed, curled into a ball and cried my guts out. Then I got back up and, like the rest of America, spent the rest of the day glued to the news and freaking out about my friends in NYC whom I hadn't heard from again all day. It was evening before I finally heard from an exhausted AZ, who'd had to walk all the way home to Brooklyn. And boy, did she have stories to tell.

Save Farscape

I'm feeling better and crappier all at the same time. Emotionally, I'm in a better place. I took some "me" time last week and it really helped a lot (subsequently, I did not get all of the DL CDs out last week like I promised I would, but they will get in the mail this week). So I'm in a better mood. But now I feel like I might be coming down with something. Hopefully it's just allergies. But now my throat's all scratchy and I'm coughing, so that's not good. And I'm feeling even more drained than usual.

I swear, when I get my loan check, I'm going to drag my ass to the doctor and get back on my thyroid meds. Synthroid's only $15 per prescription, so I can handle that. It's coming up with money for the labwork that's kept me from taking care of it. But if it means I can stop feeling crappy 95% of the time and actually have energy to get stuff done, then, yeah. Really need to make that a priority.

If you haven't noticed, chapter 8 of Perfect World is up over at DL. I've been pretty single-minded with this fic, mainly because I want to get it done before the new season starts. Two more chapters, and I keep switching back and forth so they're both coming along pretty nicely. Hopefully I'll be able to post them both at once. I've been neglecting all sorts of things to work on this story, I'll be so glad to have it over with.

I'm hella depressed. Not clinically, or anything, and there's not one big thing I can pinpoint that's making me bummed. Just a lot of little things that, added up, are bringin' me down, man. I thought it was just PMS, but I got over that, and I'm still blue. I've been trying to fight it, but I think what I really need is to take a day off and give in and just wallow in it. Throw myself a big ol' pity party for one, cry it all out, and get it over with. But I don't have time for that, because I've got too much crap to do, which is one of the things that are making me depressed. Bleah.

Blogging will resume again once I've cheered the hell up.