I'm in a reasonably improved mood. I never did cry, though it was pretty touch-and-go this afternoon every time I went to the restroom.

When I got home I was glad that I live with my mommy, and that she was home, and that she was ready and willing to baby me just a bit. She listened while I told her about the evaluation, and about my frustrations with my job, and about the plan I came up with during the drive home, which is as follows: I'll attend one class this semester (on the company's dime) to get myself in the university's system and won't have to repeat the admission process in the summer, and I'll file for financial aide and/or apply for a student loan for future semesters so I'm not dependent on my company to pay my tuition. During this semester I'll save as much money as I possibly can, and I'll also line up as many freelance assignments as I can, and try to create a little cushion for myself. Then, in June, I'll quit my job, and either go back to temping and substitute teaching, or get a less demanding part time job, or (best case scenario) be able to bring in enough through freelancing to cover my bills and help my mom out each month. It means six more months in this job, and six months of going through the motions of actively pursuing the goals they gave me that they believe will turn me into Suzie Sunshine or Jo-Anne Normal, but it will be six months during which I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.

So my mom listened, and when I said "and then I'll quit" I almost broke down and cried as I felt a huge weight lift off of my shoulders, and for once, instead of telling me what she usually does when I try to talk to her about a bad day, that nobody likes their job but we still all have to work for a living, she actually sympathized with me, and not only that, she supported my plan. Then she came over and gave me a big hug and told me that everybody that matters thinks I have a great personality and wouldn't have me any other way, and I again came close to crying, but I held it back. I let her baby me and fix me dinner, but I could feel myself slipping into a funk anyway, so I headed up to my attic apartment to write.

Instead of writing, though, I sat and pouted and felt sorry for myself, until I got bored with that, then I got online and found that, Lo and Behold! Lish had sent me an e-card that said just what I needed to hear, and I snapped out of it. So I'm viewing this evaluation as the kick in the butt I needed to make me finally get up the nerve to do something about the only part of my life that I truly hate. Thank you, Corporate America, for reminding me that I'll never (thank God!) fit in among your ranks. And thank you, Lish, for the card.