So. Clowns. Who needs 'em? I don't like them, never have. It's not so much that I'm afraid of them ... well, okay, I am afraid of them. And why not? You've got your Pennywise, your John Wayne Gacey, that clown doll from "Poltergeist," Sweet Tooth -- although, Sweet Tooth is actually pretty cool, as scary-as-hell clowns go -- Shriners, and, did I mention Pennywise? Damn, that book messed me up. And Tim Curry's performance in the movie didn't exactly endear me to the character, or to clowns in general. But aside from all that, what kind of sideshow freak of a person actually finds a clown funny? I've never witnessed a clown who does anything other than just annoy the everloving daylights out of me. I just prefer to keep my distance from them, is all. I don't know when this started, but I was pretty young. According to my mom, even as a baby I would scream and cry whenever they took me to the circus and a clown would approach me.

She likes to bring up this particular personality quirk of mine to company. I don't know why. Last night my cousin and his teenaged daughter were over. She bribed him with dinner to come over and figure out what's wrong with our satellite reception. It's actually pretty amazing what my family will do for free food. Anyway, I was in the kitchen with his kid and my brother's kid, eating ice cream and talking cartoons and having a grand old time, when from the living room I hear "... afraid of clowns. She used to kick and scream and try to get away whenever one would come up to her at the circus."

"Who are you talking about?" I holler.

"You," she says.

"Why?" I holler back.

"Because it's funny," she says, "and weird. You'd think you'd have grown out of that by now."

"Hey!" I shout in defense. "There is nothing 'weird' or irrational about disliking clowns. John Wayne Gacey was a clown, you know."

"But you couldn't have known that when you were little."

"I guess I just had a sixth sense. I saw annoying people, and knew to run away."

"Whatever."

Then she proceeded to tell him about how as a preschooler I refused to go outside and play in the yard unless I wore a scarf on my head, because I was afraid that airplanes passing overhead might land on my head, and believed the scarf would protect me. I honestly have no memory of that, so I can't begin to explain what that was all about, but at least I grew out of that one.

Though, I might not have, had I ever seen a movie starring Tim Curry as a plane that went 'round squashing little children ...