Evolution of a DBZ otaku:

1. Stay home on Friday night to watch Space Ghost: Coast to Coast. Afterward, sit through Bugs Bunny cartoons waiting for Freakazoid, trying to ignore the censoring and tampering that has been done to make such classic cartoons into watered down, PC ghosts of their former selves. Damn Ted Turner. Watch Freakazoid. Lose remote. Decide freaky little Japanese cartoon won't be too distracting if left on while you read.
2. Glance at television while turning page of book. Realize scary green guy with antennae has just kidnapped small child with tail and abandoned him in the wilderness. Decide you don't care for animated depictions of child abuse, even of freaky little children with tails. Go back to reading. Glance up again to see small child transforming into King Kong. Decide Japanese animators are all a bunch of demented freaks. Go back to reading. Glance up again to see green guy obliterate the moon. Think to self: "He just blew up the moon!" Watch as King Kong shrinks back into small child with tail. Wait for the fact that there is no longer a moon in the sky to wreak havoc on planet. Watch as green guy violently rips tail off of small child (now sans tail). Wait for earthquakes and tidal waves to ravage planet. Realize none of that is happening. Think to self: "Oh, now that's just totally not realistic. That would have completely thrown off the Earth's gravitational balance, and you expect us to believe that the planet suffered no consequences whatsoever for Angry Green Guy's little moon shattering temper tantrum? What do you take us for?" Ignore fact that moon shattering temper tantrum, green guy with anennae, and small lychanthropic child with tail are all pretty unrealistic in and of themselves. Realize that show is ending on a cliffhanger. Throw down book in disgust. Go to bed.
   
3. Wait a week. Watch SG:C2C, Bugs Bunny, & Freakazoid, as always. Intentionally leave television tuned to freaky little Japanese cartoon. Tell self you just want some background noise while you work on your web site. Look up at the words, "Last time on Dragon Ball Z!" Realize announcer is not recapping the episode you watched last week. Realize cartoon must be shown daily rather than weekly. Realize you have no hope of ever figuring out what's going on. Give up and go to bed.
   
4. Wait several weeks. Call in sick. Drag self out of bed at 3 to watch Thundercats. Think to self: "Thundercats beats He-Man's ass all to hell." Doze off during Sailor Moon. Wake up with a start upon hearing now recognizable opening sounds of DragonBall Z theme. Sit up and pay attention. Realize dumb-ass dead father of lychanthropic little freak job is now alive. Wonder how the hell that happened. See Green Guy, whose name you have now determined is actually Picollo, get his arm sliced off. Think to self: "Whoa!" Think short guy with pointy hair has a lot of good lines. Root for him. Realize he's the villain. Stop rooting for him. Watch Picollo regenerate his arm. Say out loud: "Whoa!" Wonder why short bald guy has no nose. Think to self: "That's just wrong." See frightening little doll boy and guy with three eyes. Say out loud: "Ahh!" Become creeped out. Think to self for twentieth time, "Japanese animators are freaks!" Curse as episode ends on a cliffhanger.
   
5. Wait a day. Realize you feel better. Consider calling in sick anyway so you can watch DragonBall Z. Think better of it. Set VCR to tape it instead.
   
6. Begin taping it regularly. Decide you really like the pointy-haired short guy, whose name you now know is Vegeta, even if he is a villain. Realize he's a lot more fun to root for than the dumb-ass hero, whose name you've learned is Goku, even though Vegeta keeps calling him Kakarott. Decide "Kakarott" must be Saiyan for "dumb-ass." Decide to root for Vegeta from here on in.
   
7. Discover web site, The MST3K-ing of DBZ. Read and laugh. Learn that Kakarott is not in fact Saiyan for "dumb-ass," but is in actuality Goku's birth name. Figure out that he's basically supposed to be some sort of Japanese version of Superman. Realize you've pretty much just been caught up on all of the plot so far.
8. Begin referring to show as, simply, "DBZ." Begin referring to all freaky little Japanese cartoons reverently as "anime," except for Pokemon, because you really hate Pokemon and you refuse to classify it in the same category with the brilliant work of art that is DBZ.
   
9. See commercial for DBZ toys. Cheer. Drop stupid amount of money on toys at Toys 'R' Us. Display proudly on desk at workplace. Ignore comments from coworkers. Figure out way to work images of DBZ characters and/or toys into site design. Consider purchase of toys money well spent.
   
10. Watch as Vegeta proves to be not totally evil after all. Start to think it would be "kinda neat" if he got together with that mouthy blue-haired chick, Bulma. Watch as he dies horribly. Curse violently at screen. Watch as he gets wished back to life. Cheer.
    
11. Realize the season has ended. Watch week after week of reruns. Curse violently at screen. Buy a DBZ video to get you through withdrawals. Cheer at announcement that new episodes will air soon. Watch new episodes. Realize that they are the same episodes on the video you purchased and already watched three weeks ago. Curse violently at screen.
    
12. Repeat the last step, this time dropping $80 on an entire saga's worth of "uncut" videos. While watching videos, realize that the censorship that occurs before the episodes air on Toonami is just ridiculous. I mean, taking out the blood and gore is one thing, but airbrushing out Bulma's dad's cigarette? That's just a bit much. Decide to give up on Cartoon Network and stick to the uncut videos from now on. Realize that Vegeta and Bulma actually are going to get together. Giggle like a school girl. Realize that the plot has just jumped ahead three years without actually showing Vegeta and Bulma getting together. Curse violently at screen. Realize Vegeta is now a good guy. Cheer.
    
13. Scour Internet for fan fiction depicting Vegeta and Bulma getting together. Realize that there are a lot of perverted little DBZ fans out there. Find some good fanfic. Read it, but be sure not to tell anybody, because, I mean, come on. You're pushing 30, and you're reading fan fic about a couple of cartoon characters. You don't want that to get around the office. Realize that some of the fan fic is actually better written than the show on which it's based. Realize also that the people writing this fan fic all seem to know a great deal more about the show than you do because they've seen fan-subbed bootlegs of the entire series in the original Japanese, and/or they've read all of the manga. Become jealous. Curse violently.
    
14. Consider buying fan-subbed bootlegs in the original Japanese and/or buying all of the manga. Realize you can't afford to do that. Curse violently.
    
15. Opt instead to scour the internet for information. Learn during the process that not only are ridiculously harmless things such as cigarette smoking and bodily fluids censored from the American version, but that the English dubs are often not direct translations of the Japanese, but are instead cleaned up, censored, kid friendly pseudo-translations. Become indignant. Determine to start buying the manga next payday so you can see what you've been missing.
    
16. Cease referring to yourself as "a fan."
17. Begin instead referring to yourself as "otaku."
    
18. Read extensive, detailed episode guides and plot summaries. Fail to stop at the point you've left off in your viewing. Spoil all future episodes for yourself.
    
19. Purchase the manga. Begin buying and trading of fan-subbed bootlegs. Become smug in your knowledge of all things DBZ. Lord it over those who have only ever seen the show on Cartoon Network and have no idea what they're missing. Adopt a condescending attitude toward Cartoon Network and Funimation. Watch the show on television regularly, just so you can point out the stupid dubs and the instances of censorship.
    
20. Get over it. Put your toys, manga, and videos in storage. Go back to obsessing over Star Wars, or move on to a brand new obsession.
    

Right now I'm on #18. Please help me.