I always get a little wacky this time of year, and this year appears to be no exception. See, this is the time of year my dad died. In fact, this Monday will mark the 5 year anniversary of his passing. There's this whole physical memory thing that seems to cause me to get all depressed even when I don't remember why, and then once I do figure out what's going on, I start dealing with all kinds of conflicting emotions. For one thing he was no saint, and just when I start to think I've worked through all of my anger I remember something else he did to screw over me, or my mom, or one of my siblings, and I have to start trying to forgive all over again. And there is all kinds of guilt that comes with knowing that you're life has been pretty much all uphill since your father died. On the other hand, I also start to remember the good things about him, the times when we got along, when he was sober, and he wasn't cruel, and he knew how to just be daddy. And I know that I'll never have a chance to have him that way again, or to make things right between us. The monster is gone, but he'll never be completely out of my life, and I'll never be able to make up with the man, to understand why he was the way he was, or to talk out the pain, or to forgive him face to face, or to hear him say he's sorry.

The last time I saw him was Superbowl Sunday in 1996. We'd actually had a civil evening together watching the game, but his good humor was beginning to fade as he walked out the door to go to his third shift job. I can't remember whether I said I loved him. I hope I did, because I did love him, in spite of everything. He was the only dad I had. He walked out the door, a lot of things left unsaid between us, a lot of things left hanging, and I never saw him again, and three days later I was attending his funeral. Five years later I'm still trying to deal with it all. Take from that whatever lesson you will.

So forgive the recent bouts of moodiness, and try to be patient with me for the next few days as I try to work through this. Superbowl weekend equals emotional turmoil for Jean, but it will be over and done with soon, and then we can all get on with our merry little lives.