I want to designate myself as a traffic cop. Not the kind that polices actual traffic violations, but one that polices stupid drivers.

When I was little my big sister had this pad of joke citations. They looked like traffic tickets, but the cited violations were things like "public display of nose picking," "excessive bo," "stupidity," etc. In place of a fine there was a curse: "May the fleas of a thousand camels forever infest your armpits." I could get one of those, but the violations would be things like "driving at or below the speed limit in the left lane," "failure to observe the zipper pattern while merging," or "obviously never properly learned how to drive." I could probably go through an entire pad of tickets just on my way to work in the morning. Now to figure out how to distribute the tickets accordingly without getting my ass kicked ...

Of course, I'd leave the part about the fleas.