I've been having strange dreams all week. I can't really remember any of them beyond the general wierdness they all have in common. I don't often remember my dreams. Sometimes I wake up and I can remember flashes, miniscule fragments that let me know I did dream, but nothing that forms a cohesive narrative. The ones I do remember aren't usually all that interesting.

I do, however, have two recurring nightmares that I always remember vividly, even though I wish I didn't.

One started about four years ago. I never had nightmares before this. Scary dreams, sure, but never anything that caused me to wake up screaming and then continued to terrify me long after I woke up.

This one is always so real that I'm never really certain when it's happening that it is only a dream. Even after I wake up, I can never say for sure that it didn't really happen.

There are two slightly different versions. Both have me lying in bed -- and no matter where I'm sleeping, it always looks exactly like whatever I'm sleeping on, in whatever room I'm sleeping in -- still trying to fall asleep. When it starts I'm never sure that I actually did fall asleep, or if I'm still awake. One one version I suddenly feel invisible hands grabbing ahold of mine, pinning my arms and legs in place, and I feel a hand clamp over my mouth, and I know I have to scream, that if I scream whatever it is will go away and leave me alone, but I can't open my mouth, and I can't move my hands to pry the invisible hand off of my mouth, and I just lay there struggling, terrified, for what seems like forever. Eventually I get one hand free and manage to free my mouth, and I scream, and I wake up. The other version differs only in that I don't feel anything touching me, but I just become paralyzed, frozen in place so that I can't move or scream for help. In both versions, I can't see anyone in the room, but I can feel someone there in the room with me, doing this to me, and I always hate that person, or being, or whatever.

The first time I had this dream -- actually, the first several times I had this dream -- I went for weeks after without turning off my bedroom light. Not even during the day, and especially not at night. I was that terrified. This dream's not as frequent now, in fact, I haven't had one in a long time; but now I'm used to it, and once I break free and wake myself up, I'm able to just shrug it off and go back to sleep.

The other nightmare is ridiculously tame by comparison. What's scary about it is that it vividly represents one of my worst nightmares.

I spent about 5 years working in retail: three and a half as a cashier at Wal-Mart, and a year and a half at Dillard's. There are two versions of this dream, too. In one I'm shopping at Wal-Mart. I go to check out, and I'm getting stressed because I hate everything that is Wal-Mart, and I just want to buy my stuff and leave. As I get to the front of the line I realize that the line is growing severly long behind me, and everyone behind me is becoming increasingly cranky. Suddenly I realize that I'm not in line with them, I'm actually behind the register. I look down, and see that I'm wearing a blue smock. I try to leave, but one of the red coats comes and blocks me in and tells me that I'm not going anywhere, that I just started a fifteen hour shift. I try to protest and explain that I don't actually work there anymore, but she tells me that I've always worked there, I never left.

In the other version, I'm shopping at Dillard's, and though it is a slightly more pleasant experience, I still want to get the hell out of there. I have to go up the escalators to get to the exit (I'm not sure why, since this was not the case in the store I worked in), but as I try to leave the escalators start to grow upward, and then they reverse directions, carrying me back down, and they won't let me out of the store. Behind me, at the bottom, are a bunch of blue haired old ladies holding up merchandise screaming "Miss! When are you going to help me with my purchase!"

I never wake up screaming at these, but they sure do leave me feeling stressed.