The Original Blog O' Jean

2004-11-17T13:32:00.000-06:00

So. I wrote a poem on my lunch hour. I didn't totally neglect my book, but what I wrote was more of an outline of the rest of the chapter than actual story. And then I gave it up and wrote the poem, because I was feeling particularly inspired, and I refuse to feel guilty about it because it's been years since I've felt inspired to write any kind of poetry and it felt good to exercise those muscles again. And no, you can't see it, because it's private, dammit. Plus it's still rough and needs some tweaking.

2004-11-17T09:47:00.000-06:00

Linky-loo: Censoround: Book challenges and free speech news, via Bookslut Blog.

***

Yesterday was apparently the day for bad traffic slowing me down. On the way home last night I got held up by stupid-ass Oklahoma drivers who a) never figured out the most efficient way to handle merging traffic and b) deem it necessary to slow down to 10 mph for an accident on the other side of the oncoming lanes that isn't even on the road and isn't even that interesting to gawk at. So getting home took me about thirty minutes longer than it should have, and I was so tired that I almost nodded off at the wheel a couple of times, which has never happened to me before and was kinda scary.

Part of the reason I was so tired was because I didn't get a lunch break, due to the gal who covers our lunches calling in sick. Which I'm not really complaining about, because if it's a choice between an extra hour of overtime and being exposed to her sick germs, I'll take the overtime. But it meant that I got no writing done yesterday, which was more than a little frustrating. I should be able to make up for it today, though. *crosses fingers*

2004-11-16T08:08:00.000-06:00

Y'know, I start to think that I don't really have much of a temper. But then I get stuck behind some yokel going 35 mph on a 2 lane road and I realize that if my car came equipped with laser canons, I'd totally use 'em.

2004-11-09T08:30:00.000-06:00

Sooo sleepy. I didn’t sleep well last night—took me a while to settle down enough to fall asleep, and then I woke up for no good reason around 1 and took a while to doze back off. But I still got myself up at 4:30, and I wrote about a page. I should be able to do at least that much again on my lunch hour, too. Except, it’s a fight scene, and those are hard. I might just pull my standard fic draft cheat and write “Fighty fighting” in brackets and move on to the plot stuff and save the action for later. Sounds like a plan.

But in the mean time, I’m all draggy, and people are coming into my bullpen and saying stuff to me and I’m all, “wha?” and callers are calling and I keep forgetting my standard greeting/sorry he’s not in yet speeches, and when I do remember what to say my voice is all weak-sounding. And I’ve already had two cups of coffee plus a Vivarin, so I’m thinking I ought to lay off the caffeine for a while. I have a box of ginseng green tea stashed in the desk. Maybe that’ll do the trick. Here’s hopin’.

2004-11-08T17:05:00.001-06:00

Heya! Haven't updated in a while, as, seeing as how this is here to chronicle my novel progress and all, there hasn't been anything worth updating about. But I managed almost three pages of a new chapter today--what will probably be Chapter 17, or close to it-- which is more than I've managed to write on it in the last two weeks, so I thought I'd post to pat myself on the back.

2004-10-25T13:16:00.007-05:00

Just a drive-by update, because there's not a whole lot to update on. Today has been a loverly day so far, for a Monday. I finished drafting a chapter (15, I think?) that I've been poking at for weeks, so I'm thrilled about that. I'm out of money until my next paycheck, so for lunch I took my PB & (strawberry) J sandwich across the street to the garden courtyard of my old office building and ate by the fountain, and it, too, was loverly. If you're interested in a rundown of my weekend, check out my lj if you haven't already. And I think my computer time is about to run out so I'll leave you with that. Cheers!

2004-10-22T10:01:00.000-05:00

Things are going well. And that makes for boring blog fodder. So here be a random list o' thirteen:

- I wore my red Chinatown mary janes today. These shoes make me happy.

- also wore my Chinatown dragon earrings. They make me feel a wee sexy.

- Got complimented on my hair, which I thought looked like ass today, and I'm pretty sure it was a sincere compliment, and that adds to the sexy feeling.

- I'm hungry. But I'll get to remedy that in another hour or so. Not sure yet where or with what.

- My nephew's band has a new web site, and it's much nicer than the crappy one I made for them back when. And now I can stalk them and find out when and where they're playing and actually go to some of the shows that Stacie always neglects to tell me about.

- Aww, Hanson is nominated for Artist of the Year at a local music awards show. I don't know why I felt the need to mention that. Especially since my nephew's band got snubbed. Bastards. The awards, that is, not Hanson. Although I think those Hanson boys have gotten snubby before, too.

- I might get a call from a cute boy tonight. Assuming I didn't piss him off in the last e-mail I sent him. But I'm all giddy with anticipation.

- Sidebar: must tape Joan of Arcadia so I don't miss any of it while I'm on the phone.

- I'm finally starting to beleive the rumors that I'm not an ugly duckling anymore.

- Tomorrow Tess and I (and my mom and her sister) are going to see the touring production of Chicago. Last time it was here it had Sandy Duncan headlining as Roxy. I have no idea who the female leads are this time. But Gregory Harrison is, er, whassisname, the lawyer guy. Should be fun.

- After that and dinner I think Tess and I are going to part ways with my mum and auntie and go see Team America. Whoo!

- I'm actually pretty disappointed with this season's Broadway tour lineup. The only show coming here that I haven't seen before that I can bring myself to care about is 42nd Street. I'll see them all, though, because woo, season tickets, which I have to keep getting because the year I decide to let them go will be the year that they'll announce that something completely fabulous that I've been dying to see is on the way and I'll have given up my guaranteed good seats. But that's okay, because even when the shows suck it's always a nice way to spend a Saturday afternoon.

- I'm answering the phones some here at work, but I still don't have the switchboard down enough to be entrusted with it sans supervision. I'll be glad when the day comes when I've sufficiently got the hang of it and I don't have to ask questions every five minutes and I can actually feel useful around here.

2004-10-21T11:14:00.000-05:00

Everyone seems to be excited about somebody's red socks today. I don't get it.

But seriously. I can't even force myself to care about sports. I love a good underdog story as much as the next person, but there's a distinct pattern today of people asking me, "Did you watch the game last night?" to which I reply, "Nope," at which point they go on to describe it as my eyes glaze over and I start mentally going over my To Do list. I just. Don't. Care.

I do care about politics, as far as deciding who I'm going to vote for, which I still haven't done. I don't discuss them much, mainly because most of my online friends and acquaintances are much more liberal than I am and they can get scarily hostile and I don't care enough to engage in lengthy, heated debates. But I'm starting to worry that I haven't made up my mind yet. I probably won't, either, until I'm standing in the booth on November 2. Politically, I'd describe myself as moderate with conservative leanings; but I also don't believe that it's the government's place to legislate personal morality. So I don't let myself get swayed by the moral issues. I'm not as informed about the war as I should be, either. These days I get most of my news from The Daily Show and my LiveJournal flist, both of which are pretty slanted. So my main concern that I'll probably base my vote on is the economy, and I just don't think I can bring myself to vote for a president under whom jobs have declined and the national deficit has increased. Problem is, I'm not sure I believe that Kerry can dig us out of this hole we're in. And like most good moderates, I can see the good and the bad in both sides of every issue, and in both of the major party candidates. So, yes. I'm still undecided. And really tempted to just stay in bed with my head buried under the covers on election day. I'm not sure I can handle the responsibility.

And here endeth my political post for this half of the decade.

2004-10-20T13:55:00.000-05:00

This building has an onsite chiropractor. Score! Bit pricey, though, so I won't be going until after my probation is up and I can sign up for insurance. My back's been doing better lately, though, so no big. The yoga seems to be helping.

So here's the lowdown, as far as I understand it so far: I have a 90 day probation period in which I'm still working through the temp agency, and when that's up I'll switch over to the company payroll, at which time my pay will go up a dollar an hour and I'll be eligible for benefits. Which is cool with me right now because as long as I'm with the temp agency I'll get paid weekly. I don't know yet what the payday schedule will be after that. But until I'm caught up on everything and have a chance to pad my savings account and whatall, a weekly check is a very good thing. I also still owe people money for various event tickets they were kind enough to get for me, and that's my number one priority right now. Except, I'm so desperate for office-appropriate clothing that I think I'm going to go ahead and go shopping with this week's check. It's from last week's part time hours, so it won't be big enough to cover my debts, anyway.

I'm feeling good about the writing, too. Despite what I said elsewhere about holding off on novel work until I get acclimated, I'm actually managing to get quite a bit done on my lunch hour. Rewrites are still on hold until I get my own login and e-mail account set up, though, and know the phones well enough that they'll leave me by myself long enough to get anything done. For now I only get to be on the computer when the other gals go to lunch. But eventually I'll be on my own pretty much all day, and then I should have ample opportunity to work on my revisions. Yay!

Now if I can just figure out how I'm going to work in the working out...

2004-10-19T16:47:00.000-05:00

I got the job!

2004-10-19T15:46:00.000-05:00

They told me not to come in today, and I don't know what that means as far as my job prospects go. My recruiter at the temp agency told me that they love me, and the hiring manager wanted to check out one last thing before she made her final decision about me. She also said she was going to get back in touch with me today about it, but so far, nothing. Maybe they found another candidate they want to give a test run or something. Anyway. I knew I shouldn't have let myself start making plans for how to spend a steady paycheck.

So I've kurtailed the mental spending, and I've kept myself busy all day in an effort not to stress out about it. Spent the morning catching up on some bills and getting some accounts straightened out, spent the noon hour finally setting my knit purse up on eBay, and spent the time since doing housekeeping and yoga. I think now I'm going to reward myself for all this domestic productivity by finally watching this week's Desperate Housewives. After that I might try to write a little until dinnertime.

Man, I hope I get this job.

2004-10-18T09:31:00.000-05:00

Hmm. I just spoke with the hiring manager, and she sat me down and asked me my thoughts on this job so far, and then she said that today is "a very important day" for me. So I'm thinking that today is decision day as to whether they're going to keep me around. I think they're pretty desperate, so I'm not too worried. Still: *crosses fingers and prays*

Did I mention how they booted my car on Friday? I parked where they told me to, and when I went to leave there was a boot and a $100 ticket on my car. It was no big, since our office is the office that handles those, so I just had to go back upstairs and ask them to please tell maintenance about me. Bit of a hassle, though, so I hope that doesn't happen again.

I wish I could be one of those people who can get up at 4 in the morning and get a lot of crap done before work. If I was, then I'd work out first thing, then get dressed and drive in early to hang out someplace and write until time to clock in. But there's just no way I'm gonna be going to bed before 10, and then I'd never get enough sleep and I'd be a scary-cranky beyotch pretty much all the time. But if I don't do that then I don't know how I'm going to fit in the writing and the working out. I really need to keep up the workouts, too, because if I don't exercise my back really goes to hell and the pain also makes me a scary-cranky beyotch and that's no fun for anybody. Sigh. I'll get it figured out eventually. I think I really need to get myself a TiVo and, y'know, stop scheduling my life around my TV shows.

2004-10-14T18:23:00.000-05:00

Well. It would appear that the job is mine on a trial, temp-to-hire basis. I got a wakeup call from the temp agency this morning saying that they (the potential new job place, that is) wanted me to come in today to cover lunches and get the lay of the land. So I did. And after lunches, they kept me around for a couple hours of training. And then they asked me to come back tomorrow for more lunch coverage and training. And they kept introducing me to the tenants as the new receptionist. So I'm feeling fairly confident that I got the job. Nothing's official until they actually hire me away from the temp agency, though, so I'm not getting too confident. I hope they make a decision and for-real-hire me soon, though, because it would be really nice to have some health insurance.

What the job is, is a receptionist/secretary for a building management company, and also switchboard operator/ receptionist/ secretary-for-hire (meaning that if they ask me to, say, type a letter, they have to pay extra for my services) for the building's tenants. It's kind of a weird set-up. But nothing I can't handle. I looked over the job duties and I don't think they entail anything I didn't handle in some form or another in my old job. One thing I love about it is that it's in one of the historical downtown buildings, built in 1917, and it's just gorgeous inside, with a lot of the original fixtures. I think it even has the original elevator cars, which is actually kind of frightening. But it's nice working in a pretty place instead of just another cubicle rat's maze.

Other pros: they do have outside Internet access, and they don't care if I play around online when I have nothing better to do (thank God). They also don't care if I bring my novel and work on it when things are slow. For that matter, they don't care if I bring a book or a bunch of magazines to read. I wonder if they'd draw the line at bringing my knitting? Anyway. I don't anticipate things being very slow until I'm done with training and more settled into the job, but it'll get there eventually. Also, there's a Java Dave's a block or so down the street (or at least there used to be), so I can go there to write on my lunch hours, and one of my favorite indie coffee shops is about 15 blocks down the street, so I can go there either before or after work, also to get some writing done. This job might actually make me more productive, since for some reason I always focus better in coffee shops surrounded by people than I do at home alone with my pets vying for my attention and the siren call of the Internet just a few clicks away. Really, I don't think I could have invented a more writing-friendly job. So, yes, I'm feeling very good about it. And I think I'll be really sad if it doesn't work out for some reason.

And I can't wait to start getting paid. Yay!

2004-10-13T17:15:00.000-05:00

I sat down to work on revisions about an hour ago and so far I have:

-gotten back up to scoop out the catbox

-gotten up again to wipe all the coffee stains off of the top of my minifridge

-refreshed my LiveJournal newsreader about a dozen times

-reread the last several entries in this blog

-gotten up again to light a candle (Mmm, pumpkin spice)

-gotten up again to crack open a window

-stared a lot at my Word screen

What I have not done:

-written a single frickin' word

Grumble.

It's a beautiful fall day. Well, it was. Now it's kind of gray and depressing. But for a while there, the weather was gorgeous. Earlier I took a snack and a book and my doggie and went to sit on the shady steps of the back deck and read and nosh whilst Fizzgigg sniffed and felt his way around the newly fenced in back yard (he's not totally blind, but he has terrible vision, poor pup, and mostly he's figured out the existence of the new fence by bumping into it a lot). It was nice until the sun shifted and got in my eyes and all of the neighbor dogs started barking and howling at Lord knows what and various bugs wouldn't leave me the hell alone. For a while, though, it was pretty peaceful out there.

And now it's starting to cool off a lot. I might have to get up again to go close the window.

I'm starting to suspect that I won't be writing today.

2004-10-13T11:28:00.000-05:00

I interviewed this morning for a receptionist job. I think it went well, but then I always think these things go well and so far I don't have a job to show for it, so apparently I'm not a very good judge of these things. It seems like it will be a good fit for where I am in my life right now. They were honest with me about how there's no room for advancement and I was honest with them that I'm not looking for advancement, I'm just looking for something that will support my writing. The only hang-up is that I told the recruiter who sent me on the interview that I can't commit to anything for more than a year since I want to go to grad school as early as next fall (if my novel fails miserably, that is), but the hiring manager said she's looking for a two year commitment, so I went ahead and said I could do that. That'll just give me another year to pay off the last round of student loans before taking on another bunch. But then the guy who's over her joined the interview and he said he wants a three to five year commitment, and I told him about my grad school plans and that the most I could promise him right now is two. But then he acted like that wouldn't be a problem, and I got the impression that he exaggerated just so he wouldn't end up with somebody who'll be out of there in six months. So hopefully that won't turn out to be a deal breaker. *crosses fingers*

2004-10-05T13:38:00.000-05:00

I suppose I should update here for the benefit of anyone who doesn't read my livejournal (is there any such person? Or is this blog just one big redundancy?). I'm having a lot of problems with my ISP, and they're preventing me from being online as often as usual. I'm also working a temp assignment all week (and through next Tuesday) in an office that doesn't have outside Internet access. So any kind of updates from me are going to be few and far between for a while yet.

Novel rewrites have, frustratingly, slowed down. I'm totally rewriting a lot more than I thought I would. Everything I wrote in the longhand draft is serving as more of a general outline than something I can transcribe directly. And the job is also slowing down progress on that front, although I did spend most of the slow periods yesterday working out plot kinks in the outline. So it's still coming along. Just not as quickly or smoothly as I'd like it to. But slow progress is better than no progress, right?

2004-09-29T09:22:00.000-05:00

I got work! Yay! They originally asked me to come in as a backup today at 10, but then they called back and said that the client would rather have me come in for a full day tomorrow. Just tomorrow, alas, but at this point every little bit helps, and it's already making me feel ever so much better about life in general.

I suppose I should give an update on the novel, since that's what this blog is here for and all. I'm still transcribing/revising what I've got so far, and I'm up to chapter 6, which is not quite halfway there. The pacing of the Pooka's arc really wasn't working for me, but I've outlined it and I think it's going to work now. What I've got typed so far stands at just over 12,000 words. I think that's less than I thought I had at this point, but I've also trimmed a lot, so really, that's as it should be. I'm really pleased with how it's coming. I'm showing it to beta readers as I go, and what responses I've gotten back so far have been positive. One even said she thinks it's better than my fanfic, which made me go squee.

Once this phase is done, I'm thinking about typing up a formal outline and putting together a book proposal to shop around to agents. I've always been adamant about trying to make my first sell by myself, but I so obviously don't know what I'm doing when it comes to marketing my own work, so I think it would be rather stupid of me not to try to get some help. I'm ready to have some people in my corner, dammit. I need to do some more research in that area before I decide for certain, though.

In other news, Jim Butcher has been pimping OU's School of Professional Writing, which I had no clue existed, which I probably should have considering I started out there as a journalism major. Oh well. I wouldn't have made it that far back then anyway. Now, it sounds like it just might be my ticket, especially if they offer classes at their Tulsa campus. But then again there's the fact that if I did decide to go to grad school it was going to be somewhere far away so that I could finally get out of this town and broaden my horizons. Supposedly, however, this is one of the best professional writing programs in the country, and just think of all the money I'd save if I could do that while still living here. At any rate, I'll research other schools and programs elsewhere and then decide. But at the very least, once my novel is done I'm going to go ahead and start prepping to take the GRE so that I'll have all of my admission criteria ready and waiting when I do decide.

2004-09-28T12:59:00.000-05:00

I haven't been out of the house in over a week, and I'm feeling all cooped up and like I might need to kill some people. Yesterday I scoured the classifieds for job possibilities, and the results were, once again, thoroughly depressing. There's nothing out there. Nothing. However, I just remembered that my credit card has a cash incentive program, so I checked that out, and they're now sending me a check that's large enough to give me a wee bit of breathing room. Therefore I am going to go to town, buy myself a yummy-delicious coffee treat, and work on outlines whilst attempting to restore my sanity. Then I'll come home and get to work on a liner for a purse I just knitted so I can try to hawk it on eBay and get myself a little more breathing room. So the impending nervous breakdown just might have been staved off for another month. Yay?

2004-09-24T14:51:00.000-05:00

I'm in pain. It starts in the small of my back and wraps around my left hip and shoots down the back of my left leg, which screams to me "pinched nerve!" which in turn screams to me "get thee to a chiropractor!" which only adds to my money woes. Le sigh. So far, it's constant and distracting, but it's not debilitating. Hopefully things will work out so that I'll be able to get it taken care of before it becomes debilitating. Not really looking forward to the prospect of walking with a cane and needing my mom to help me dress like I did the last time I had this problem and let it go unchecked.

I've kind of been in denial about my financial and employment situations, telling myself that temping is plenty. Which it would be if I were actually receiving temp assignments (and I realize the irony of whining this whine after my last post about turning down that temp-to-hire job). But a lot of that was just fronting for the fact that the fruitlessness of my job search was depressing the shit out of me and I just couldn't deal with it anymore. However, I think it's time to wake up and smell the emptying checking account and impending loan bills and start dealing. I've got to get back on the job search train. I'm still thinking maybe I should just get myself a mindless retail job while I finish up the novel. That wouldn't make me rich, but it would cover my bills and still let me make writing my main priority. And I could probably finish the book before the job started to suck my soul. Then again, there are always call center jobs, which would require as much customer service as retail but at least I'd get to sit down. Plus they pay better. Yes, I think that would probably be the smart thing to do. Either way, once I finish my book I can start looking for a real job. If the book sells, yay, all of my problems are solved! If it doesn't, then it's time to for me to hightail it to grad school. So, yes. I think I'm having a plan.

2004-09-16T13:12:00.000-05:00

I just turned down a temp-to-hire assignment from my temp agency, and the part of me that's freaked out about money is really berating myself for it. But I gave myself until December to finish the novel and then try to get long-term, full time work, and I'm going to stick to that. And with the job description she gave me, there's just no way I could do that job all day and then come home and write. It didn't really pay enough to make it worthwhile, anyway. Actually, there are a lot of good reasons to have refused that particular job (such as that it's exactly the kind of job I went back to college to not have to do). I just hate turning down work right now when my budget's so tight and my funds are dwindling away, you know? Anyway, I told the rep that I'm wide open for short-term and part-time assignments, so hopefully something will turn up soon.

I started typing my second draft (of what I've got so far) today. The first chapter, after some revisions, comes out to ten pages and 2,577 words. It was actually much more than that originally, but I think that's plenty long for one chapter so I'm dividing it up into two. It'll be a few chapters before I get into the major rewrites, so initially this part of the process should go pretty fast. And I think I'm about ready to start showing it to people (now that it's becoming legible), which is both scary and exciting. I feel like this is about a million times better than my first novel attempt, though, so I'm really kind of eager to start getting feedback on it. Nervous as hell, but eager.

2004-09-14T11:25:00.000-05:00

Finished another chapter this morning, yay. But I think I really am up against a wall now until I go back and rework some things. And one of the things I'm thinking of reworking will require a major overhaul. Not quite an entire rewrite, but close. That's discouraging. But also kind of exciting, as I think this other way of doing things will be more interesting. At any rate, I think I need a day or two for things to stew in my brain before I tackle the revisions. I think I'm really close to knowing just exactly how everything will come together, though. *crosses fingers*

2004-09-10T16:39:00.000-05:00

I ended up crashing hard around dinner time last night and gave up and crawled into bed around 8. I slept hard and heavy and, if I had any dreams, I don't remember them. It was v. v. good. It also made it pretty easy to get up this morning and get to work on the chapter, which I finished, so go me!

I think I need to revise my plan and timeline a bit, though. I know I can proceed and write at least two more chapters of Michael's arc (after which the separate plot threads should all start to tie together), but I think I need to go back and revise the Pooka's arc a little before I can move ahead there. So I'll go ahead and write the two Michael chapters next week, but after that I guess it's really, truly time to start typing and revising. Which is really very exciting, and not a little daunting.

Speaking of daunting, I pulled up an old short story I wrote to just go ahead and post it here, but I've managed to convince myself that I should keep trying to get it published (after all, it's only had one rejection, and how pathetic am I if I let that convince me to quit?); but reading through the market listings and trying to decide where to submit it is making my head hurt. And also making me fantasize about having an agent. I suck so hard at this part of the process. I also let myself get way too intimidated by snotty-sounding submission guidelines. And then there's the dreaded cover letter to write... now I'm back to just wanting to throw the story up here and be done with it. Sigh.

And speaking of story submissions: still no word from iHero, beyond their assurance that they received my story and intend to read it ASAP. Seeing as how they just told the mailing list that they had to evacuate because of the hurricanes, I'm guessing the S isn't very P. S'okay, though. Since I wrote it specifically for them it's not like I have a whole lot of other markets to try.

Now is the time on Sprockets when we get off our ass and go work out.

2004-09-09T13:52:00.000-05:00

I finally managed to doze a little. And while I did I dreamed of being thrown on topsy-turvy rides. Not roller coasters, but more like those Super Round-Up and Enterprise things that go upside down in a circle and mainly hold you in by centrifugal force. And instead of just me being strapped into a seat I was thrown in big compartments with a bunch of my stuff and I tried to keep working while holding on for dear life. And a couple of times I fell asleep on the rides.

Analyze that!

Did I ever mention my Pop-Up Book of Nightmares? It's sitting on my coffee table and it's quite a lot of fun. It lists several of the most common-place nightmares along with pop-up illustrations (hence the title) and mostly Freudian explanations for each. The only ones that are in there that I ever have are apocalyptic dreams and dreams of being chased (by tornadoes). I don't really buy the explanation it gives for the tornadoes, but then I don't generally buy Freudian explanations of anything, because, while dear old Sigmund might have made some incredible contributions to the advancement of psychology, let's face it: the man was a coke-head.

And now I'm going to go get cleaned up and then I think the rest of the day is going to be about catching up on e-mail and comments and maybe about redesigning my journals. So don't be surprised if you stop by and see weirdness happening.

But first I must coax this kitty out of my lap.

2004-09-09T09:18:00.000-05:00

I think I'm going to be completely useless today. I didn't sleep a wink last night, and finally around 7 a.m. I gave up and tried to write. After two hours and nothing on the page and lots of spacing out I'm giving up on that, too. I'm not feeling too horrible about it, though. Yesterday I wrote all day long and well into last night, and even though it was on fanfic instead of the novel (bad Jean!), I feel I deserve a break.

Of course, this means that tomorrow I'll have to step on it and probably write all day again if I want to finish chapter 13. Which I do. I really need to step the drafting stage back up to two chapters a week, especially if I want to finish the first draft by November, which I also do. The story's starting to feel about half-way told, so I think that deadline is pretty doable. If I can stick to two chapters a week, that is.

2004-09-08T11:55:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I needed to get out of the house (and also buy some groceries, drop off my vacation film and ship my last eBay shipment), so I drove into Borders. I actually just wanted to drive somewhere. It was a beautiful day, perfect for rolling down the windows and turning up the radio (or the CD player, as the case may be). I went late enough that I ran into some pretty nasty rush hour traffic, but that just meant getting off the expressway and detouring through one of my favorite Tulsa neighborhoods and gawking at the big houses. I love to gawk at pretty houses. It was a good drive.

I almost broke down and bought some Batman TPBs at Borders, but I was good. If they had the second volume of Hush, I'd have bought it. I went ahead and picked up the first volume before my trip to read on the way (but, thanks to my flight being delayed, ended up reading the entire thing in the airport before I even boarded the plane), and I'm jonesing for more. But I'm not even sure the second volume is out yet, which is probably a good thing for my budget. I also stopped to pet the Jonathan Strange... display and ponder whether the black cover or white cover appealed to me more. But I left the store empty-handed, save for a sugar-free mocha and a free sample of chocolate and a few more lines written down for a story I'm working on.

I came home and started lining up new knitting projects to get me through the first leg of the new TV season (because I don't feel like such a useless couch potato if I knit while I watch). I have the stuff to make a few more purses. The last one I made turned out really cute, but it has some problems as far as functionality goes. I think I've figured out how fix the design, though. I'll make another practice one, and if it turns out well I think I might try hawking some on eBay. I also really want to make this scarf, but not until I can afford quailty yarn. Right now, though, I'm knitting tiny hats for Newborns In Need, a volunteer organization that donates knitted clothing to families with sick and needy babies, mainly preemies. Once I've conquered hats I might try some booties. They also have a call (and a pattern) for burial buntings, but I don't think I can bring myself to make those right now. Anybody out there with knitting skills and more emotional fortitude than I have might consider it, though. Anyway, that should keep my hands sufficiently occupied for a while.

Now it's time to quit procrastinating and go force myself to write. And that's pretty much my entire plan for the day.

2004-09-06T15:57:00.000-05:00

My arms and legs are still not tan, but they're much more freckled than they were before I went to California. And there's your random observation for the day.

I thought about treating today like the holiday that it is and goofing off all day, but I figured that would only make it that much harder to get started tomorrow, so I didn't. Which is a good thing, because as it is I finished my twelfth chapter before noon and now I get to ride this accomplishy feeling all day. It's been almost a full two weeks since I last visited Michael, Alathea, Leila and the Pooka, and it was like I never left them. That was also a good feeling.

I also started what will hopefully become a new workout routine today. My brother loaned me his elliptical trainer, and I love it so. It's downstairs in my mother's sun room. I moved my small TV and old VCR from my bedroom to down there and watched "Serenity" (the original Firefly pilot) while I worked out, and the time flew by. Yay to good TV that distracts from the painful exercise.

Now I'm pondering where to go next to make a dent in the Big Organization Project of 2004. I'm thinking I need to go through my books and box up all the ones that I bought years ago but have never gotten around to reading. I'll probably forego eBay this time and pawn them off at a used book store. That shelf is pretty cluttered, though.

Yesterday I cleaned up and rearranged the opposite bookcase where all the trappings of my biggest fangirl obsessions are displayed openly for the mocking. While I did that I listened to a copy of The War of the Worlds remake performed by several Star Trek cast members that I keep forgetting I own. And you know, I can see how the original broadcast would have freaked everybody the hell out. Even so, I had to laugh when Leonard Nimoy broke character at the end to assure the audience that they were only funnin' us. Listening to it last night brought back memories, though. I remember listening to the original broadcast of this version on NPR many Halloween Eves ago as I drove from Norman to Stillwater to hang out and watch scary movies with my friend Tess. ...or maybe I was just driving home for the weekend. Okay, so it didn't bring back vivid memories. But I do know I was driving, and wherever I was destined it was far enough away to allow me to hear the entire play. And also that it was Halloween Eve.

I've been pretty nostalgic about Halloween lately, and that sure didn't help (how's that for a segway, suckers? [/mrmonkeybottoms]). Between the bookstore and Tommy the other night we killed time in the mall's new Halloween store, and that really made me jones for the entire month of October. But it also made me want to do something more this year than watch horror movies while waiting for the occasional trick-or-treater. I even designed myself a costume. Well, in my head I did. But it's a simple costume that will require little preparation. Now I just need to come up with some place to wear it to that night. It might be a good night to finally go check out some pubs that have opened in Tulsa fairly recently. I know I don't want to go to any of the clubs, those are too crowded and hectic. Heck, maybe my friends and I will just go out to a movie instead of staying in. But I'm dressing up for Halloween this year, dammit! It's too bad all of my friends I know who throw parties all live two or three states away.

I was going to ramble a bit about knitting, too, but this post is already pretty long so I think I'll spare you... for now. So I'm off to organize, and while I do I think I'll listen to my tape of Anthony Head's convention Q&A ('cause with the singing! *swoon*). Later, hopefully I'll be able to get focused enough to work on some fic. Cheers!

2004-09-05T22:54:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to stop letting my hang-ups hang me up. When I decide I want to do something I'm trying to just do it before I can think of everything else I could or should be doing instead and end up doing nothing because I'm paralyzed with indecision. I don't mean big things, things that cost money or could cause others inconvenience, the kind of things that responsible people are supposed to think through. I'm talking about stupid little distractions that cost nothing but time that I never let myself have because I tell myself I don't have time for it. I'm trying really hard to knock that shit off. My life won't fall apart if I miss or even, God forbid, ignore a deadline that I set for myself, that I'm not getting graded on or paid to keep. In short, I'm trying to lighten the hell up on myself.

And maybe once I conquer this I'll get to work on the phone phobia.

2004-09-04T23:45:00.000-05:00

I just got back from seeing a local production of The Who's Tommy. It was really good, all things considered. I've been to musicals produced by this company before where some of the voice talent was lacking, but all of the vocals tonight were pretty solid. The lead, Christopher Crawford (who was also in Batboy: The Musical) was fabulous. For some reason they cast the chick who played Batboy's girlfriend as Cousin Kevin, which was confusing, but she also has a great voice, so okay. Uncle Ernie was especially good, and just the right amount of skeevy. There were some changes to the story from the film version that sure make Tommy's parents a lot more sympathetic. At any rate, good show, good music, good times.

I'm proud of myself because I refrained from spending money I don't have. And I was sorely tempted to get myself a copy of Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell. Putting it back on the shelf and leaving it behind hurt me. But I'll live. I reminded myself that I don't have time to read it right now anyway, and even if I do get time to read, I'm still slogging my way through The Once and Future King, plus I've got several other books in my queue, including Return of the King which I swore I'd read this year. And I also still want to reread A Storm of Swords before Martin finally releases the next book in that series (but something tells me that there's no need to hurry there). So, yes. Messrs. Strange and Norrel, I've waited for you this long; I can wait a while longer.

2004-09-03T22:46:00.000-05:00

So, I'm back, and I'm feeling a bit better about life, the universe, and everything. Vacations are good for what ails ya. If you want details, I've got a whole report in my LJ. Be prepared for much fangirlishness before you click on that link.

The trip really inspired me to make a hard and fast decision about where I want to go from here and what I'm going to do about getting there. So while walking the dog today, I came up with a short-term plan, and that is this: finish the novel.

I never said it was a complex plan.

Seriously, though, I'm just going to temp as much as I can and stop worrying about the job hunt or getting freelance gigs or selling shorter pieces, and just finish the damn book. This is priority one. It'll take a few months and it's going to mean leading a very boring and low-income lifestyle in the meantime (which in turn will, alas, mean a boring blog... but y'all are used to that by now ;-) but hopefully it will all be worth it. I'm probably pinning too much on this novel, but it's pretty much sink or swim here. Major decisions that I need to hurry up and make, such as should I continue on to grad school, will depend on what happens with the book. So I'm just going to stop worrying about other writing avenues for the time being and simply write the book (no worries, those of you waiting for fic updates, somehow I'll still get those done). And hopefully rack up enough temp hours to cover the bills while I'm at it.

Meanwhile, I've still got a couple of lines in the water, and I'm still waiting to see how those pan out. So there's still time to cross your fingers for me!

2004-08-25T19:36:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to spare y'all from "what the hell is wrong with me/I'm such a loser" type posts. Which explains why I haven't updated much lately, because that's pretty much where I'm at right now. Hopefully when I get back from my vacation I'll have a new perspective on things. Hopefully.

I leave for California tomorrow (whee!), so this will undoubtedly be my last blog before I get back. On the writing/freelancing front, my novel is also on hold until I return (ideally; I am taking it with me, but I intend to work on it as little as possible. Maybe on the plane...). I finally got up the nerve to e-mail Cyber Age Adventures this morning and ask if they ever received my short story submission, since it's been double the response time their guidelines say to expect. They promptly replied and said that yes, they got it, and will be reading it soon. So I'm still crossing my fingers and praying for that one. I also applied for a freelance copy editor postion at Tokyo Pop, which I know is a longshot with my lack of professional experience, which probably goes to explain the hint of begging that crept into my cover letter. But it's not like I had anything to lose by ~~pleading my case~~ applying.

I'd best leave you now, as I have packing to finish and finger- and toenails to paint. Try to stay out of trouble while I'm gone, kiddos.

2004-08-21T12:40:00.000-05:00

Well, the eBay was a hassle, but it turned out to be well worth it. My stuff didn't do as well as I'd thought/hoped it would, but I met my goal and now have plenty of spending money for my trip to Cali, provided I spend frugally. I'm still waiting on a couple of people to mail me money orders. I hope I get those before I leave (and that I can get their stuff shipped so that I can put this whole eBay thing behind me and move on).

Don't recall whether I mentioned here that I spent Thursday and Friday doing data entry for T.D. Jakes Ministries. Or, well, for the call/distribution center that handles all of the mail and phone calls for him and several other big name televangelists. So that was intersting. But for as little as the job paid and for as many rules and restrictions they had concerning breaks and on-the-clock communication with the outside world, I don't know if I'll be taking any more jobs there. I certainly wouldn't want to work there long-term. At any rate, hopefully I'll also get that paycheck before I leave. Then I'll be able to have some emergency money on top of the spending cash.

Today is all about laundry and cleaning. I really want it to be about sleeping, but I have too much to get done before the trip. I need to clear the eBay explosion out of my living room and make it livable again so that my mom will be comfortable hanging out here to visit my pets and give them love while I'm gone. And I need to clean up some other messes so that she doesn't take it upon herself to "help" and throw a bunch of my stuff away while I'm gone, as she tends to do, and keeps doing, even though she invariably throws out important things that are not trash and gets bitched at for it once I realize what happened. I've made her promise to leave all my crap alone this time, but I think it's best to remove the temptation.

Busy, busy, busy. And somehow I need to fit writing in there.

2004-08-18T16:49:00.000-05:00

Of course, it would be the day that I decide to go to town without bothering with such trifling inconveniences as grooming myself that some guy decides to flirt with me at the gas pump. Boys is wacky.

Coming back from Wal-Mart this afternoon was a thrilling, heart-pounding adventure! There was the afore-mentioned brief flirtation at the pumps, and then there was an almost-collision as I tried to make a left turn on the main street. I looked both ways, waited til it was clear, looked both ways again, then proceeded to turn, and came literally thisclose *holds fingers about a half-inch apart* to turning right into the car of some little idiot boy, who didn't even look old enough to have his license, who came out of nowhere. Somehow, we both managed to stop without so much as a tap. Phew. Of course, my groceries and the contents of my purse all ended up all over the floor of my van, but I'll take that over a banged up fender any day. I backed up (thank God nobody was behind me), motioned for him to get out of my way, and he drove off laughing as his little idiot also-too-young-to-be-driving friend hung out the passenger window and gave me the finger. Ah, youth. How I want to smack 'em all.

Novel update, for those who are keeping track: Yesterday I finished chapter 11. Today I plotted through chapter 20. I still don't know how many chapters it's going to end up being, but I'm guessing it'll be around 30. Which means it's not at the halfway mark yet. But it's getting there.

2004-08-13T10:20:00.000-05:00

What a week. And by that I mean what a busy, exhausting whirlwind of a long, busy week (did I mention the busy?), the highlights of which include: antiquing with my sister on her birthday and finding myself a nifty faux-leather satchel bag for five bucks that is a perfect carry-on size and will be just right for toting minicon swag; finishing chapters 9 and 10 (which sounds more impressive than it is, as most of 10 consists of the first scene I ever wrote for this thing, but I'm happy to finally know where it fits in the story); hauling eBay swag down to the post office and getting acquainted with the new automated shipping center, which was a bit daunting, but nice as it saved me from standing in line; and temping as a receptionist/office clerk for a parking company.

I've been all conflicted about the temp job all week. Or at least since Wednesday, when the agency called last minute and asked me to get here ASAP, after I had just started writing a new short story. So that was frustrating, and has continued to be frustrating, because I haven't had time to work on it anymore since. BUT, I need the money, so I'm grateful. Plus it's giving me a chance to use all those nice professional clothes that I never get to wear. BUT I still have eBay auctions to prepare and a ton of other things I need to take care of before I go to Cali. BUT I need money to spend in Cali and the eBay isn't working out as well as I'd hoped, so again, grateful. BUT I am behind on many, many things and I'll get to spend the next few days catching up (barring tomorrow, for which I have fun plans). Grumble.

The most distressing thing is that I'm good at this job and they like me, and they want to request me back whenever they need extra help around the office. That's not actually the distressing part. That part's good because, say it with me, I need the work. What's distressing me is that, even though I really don't like this kind of work, I could get really complacent in it. Just working here for three days, I already feel comfortable. And it's making me realize that I'm a settler. I'm not a go-getter. I'm someone who settles for whatever comes along. I really don't like that about myself. I think a lot of it is a self-esteem issue. As grossly overqualified as I am for this type of job, it's difficult to picture myself in something better. I thought I'd left behind my underachiever tendencies, but apparently I haven't. I really need to get the hell over that.

The one good thing about the difficulty I'm having finding a job is that it's forcing me to get off my ass and write, and pursue opportunities that I wouldn't otherwise. And working in this office these last few days has made me realize how badly taking a job like this would kill my attempts at building a career. The job itself isn't so bad. The work is easy if sometimes hectic, the people are nice, and I don't have to think too much about what I'm doing or work all that hard to impress. But I have to force myself to be an extravert all day, and by the time I get home I'm too mentally exhausted to write, and even if I wasn't, by the time I get everything done around the house I don't have time to write. So, yeah. I've been thinking that if I still haven't found something come December, when my first student loan payment's due, then I'll just suck it up and take one of the many receptionist or call center jobs that seem to be about all that's out there right now. I'm writing this all here so that when the time comes I can come back and read this as a reminder of what a huge mistake that would be, if it can at all be avoided.

Like I said, I'm starting to feel like life is telling me to go to grad school. As sick as I am of school, and of being poor (which so far isn't any closer to changing because my bachelor's degree sure isn't doing anything for me in this job market), I'd rather do something that involves moving forward than taking a giant step backwards. So I guess I'll plan to start researching my options on that front after I get back from Cali.

Of course, there's still the plan to finish my novel within the next few months and have it ready to market by the end of the year, and the hope that it will actually be successful, which, even if it only garners me enough to pay off my student loan, which isn't actually very much, will solve a whole world of problems for me. So here's hopin'. Now if I can just make time to get back to the actual writin'...

2004-08-09T17:03:00.000-05:00

Today has been a heckuva Monday, and I mean that in the best way possible. For some reason I woke up at 7 this morning and managed not to roll over and go back to sleep, and by the time I usually get up I had already written my quota for the day (and finished Ch. 9 and started 10 in the process). And the rest of the day has been a blur of productivity. It makes me wish I had the morning person gene so that I could do this all the time, but I'll be as surprised as the rest of you if I manage to keep this up past a couple of days. And of course, it's only 5 PM and I'm all sleepy. But that's okay because all my work is done and I can feel free to fart around doing whatever until bedtime. What a nice feeling to have.

***

So the other day zapthepram asked:

How do you find good "Beta readers?" Online, or real life, I struggle with this. Help?!

I don't really have a helpful answer. I lucked out and acquired most of my beta readers through my work on Dancing Lessons, which, back in the day, functioned pretty well as a writing workshop. So I guess you could do what I did and start up a group fic and make all of the writers participate in the beta-reading/editing process, and then keep the good ones around to beta everything else you write. Or you could just try to find yourself a good writing workshop or online group in which you can post your work for critiques.

The trick is to define what you want in a beta reader. I actually have several, and they all serve different functions. One of them is an extremely good editor and is good at helping me tighten my prose, another is excellent at checking my grammar and punctuation and making sure I vary my sentence structure as well as being able to tell me when something in my story just doesn't work (or if it works perfectly). I have betas who do less in the way of proofreading and more just telling me what parts of the story work for them and what parts they have trouble understanding or which parts raised questions (and sometimes the questions they ask are the right questions, in which case I know I've done my job). And I have betas who just check my spelling and punctuation and make sure I don't get stuck on repeating a word over and over like a broken record.

With the small stuff, they point it out and I fix it. With the bigger, more thematic stuff, or the stuff that's more subject to personal taste, I look for agreement among my betas. If one or two point something out and ask me to change it, chances are it's a personal preference thing and I can feel safe ignoring the suggestion. But if almost everybody points out the same thing, that's a pretty good cue that I've miscommunicated something and need to revise. But the most important thing that all of my beta readers have in common is that they're not afraid to be perfectly honest with me, and they never tell me that something is good when it is, in fact, sub-par.

The point is, figure out what kind of beta reader is right for you. Once you know that, then you can start casting your net by simply asking people to read your work and tell you what they think. The ones who fit your needs, you keep asking. The ones who don't, it's okay not to ask them again. Just keep in mind that if they also write they're going to expect some quid pro quo when it comes time for them to find a beta reader.

And just an FYI, Neil Gaiman periodically lists writing groups and workshops in his blog. If you're looking to workshop fanfic or have it critiqued, then Yahoo!Groups would probably be a good place to start. Also, most fandom message boards I've lurked at have had threads in which fic writers can ask for beta readers.

2004-08-07T16:05:00.000-05:00

My Big Exciting Weekend Plans are thus:

Work on sewing and assembling knitted purses
Put more crap up for sale on eBay
Keep working on swag for Oakland gathering
Write another scene for fic I've been working on for last three years of my life ohGodpleaseletitendsoon*cries*
Put antifreeze in Jesus Van and try driving it somewhere

Whoo doggies, don't that all sound fun?

I'm also going to try to blog. I mean a real post that I actually have to put some thought into, not this lame-ass weekend to do list business. Like answering zapthepram's question, maybe. And I might try to finish Chapter 9 since I didn't actually get that done this week (Bad Jean!). Right now I'm debating whether to go walk a couple miles or dust off my bicycle and ride it for a while. Last time I rode my bike it killed my poor back dead, and I haven't ridden it since. But I wasn't stretching then. Maybe if I stretch it'll be okay. It would sure be nice to break up the monotony of walking around in circles.

Oh, and yesterday I read Blood Rites by Jim Butcher. If you care and didn't catch it already, I reviewed it in my LJ (no spoilers).

That is all for now.

2004-08-05T12:54:00.000-05:00

Gah! Blogger is being problematic. So sorry to anyone who got spammed a lot by my last post.

2004-08-05T12:39:00.001-05:00

I'm starting to suspect that life might be trying to tell me to suck it up and go to grad school.

SIGH.

I'll start checking into that after my vacation. But not before. Because, busy.

Today I'm going to go out and get myself a copy of Blood Rites, even though I don't have time to sit down and read it yet. And then I'm going to find someplace relatively quiet to sit down and finish Chapter 9.

The excitement, it never ends.

2004-08-02T16:05:00.000-05:00

Saw The Village this weekend. If my LiveJournal Friends List is to be believed, I'm in the extreme minority of having liked it. A lot. But I suspect that a lot of the dislike I'm seeing reported is rebellion against the hype over M. Night Shyamalan. And maybe some (understandable) disappointment that the movie is nothing at all like what the trailers were selling. At any rate, I thought it was a good movie. I had a couple of contentions with the story, but nothing that ruined the whole movie for me or kept me from enjoying it. It was mostly things that made me pissed off at some of the characters. And I've never understood the assumption that when a character does something boneheaded or that you disagree with, then it's bad writing. Because maybe you're supposed to find their actions disagreeable. This is something I never got while reading various reviews of various Buffy episodes, and it's something I don't get reading reviews of this movie. But then I'm generally easier to please and have an easier time letting go of analytic thought and just immersing myself in the story than most people I know. So maybe that has something to do with it. But I liked it, as I've liked all of his movies. Yes, even The Sixth Sense. So sue me.

After the movie we went to the grand opening of Cold Stone. That's right, chillun: Tulsa finally got itself a Cold Stone. That's some good stuff. A little on the pricey side, though, and it's so easy to go overboard with the toppings and mix-ins and really pile on the calories, so I probably won't be going there very often. But it makes me happy to know that it's there.

I also read Astonishing X-Men #3. Excuse me for going all fangirl in the place reserved for my non-fangirlish side, but holy shit, does this comic kick ass. Whedon knows these characters so well, and he obviously has deep affection for them, and it shows. And what's interesting to me is that you can see traces of his own characters in his X-Men, but I think it's because he drew so much inspiration from the X-Men when creating his characters (deliberately patterning Willow after Kitty Pryde, for example--at least in the beginning). For instance, in this issue, Wolverine is totally Jayne (Adam Baldwin's character from Firefly, for those of you not in the know), while still remaining 100% Logan, and it completely works and is hella fun to read.

So that was my big weekend fun. Yesterday was mostly spent sewing liners for a couple of purses I knitted. I won't bore you with those details. I'll just leave you with this thought: POCKETS!

***

I have BIG GOALS for this week, that include but are not limited to:

Finishing chapter 9 (and hopefully also 10)

Prepping all my eBay crap to take to the UPS Store

Deciding what to do with my adoption article and doing it (or at least getting a good start on it) (btw, if anybody from WWNK happens to read this, your server keeps bouncing back my e-mail)

Fleshing out an idea I have for a short story so I can take a break from the novel and write it when chapter 10 is done

Getting all of the above done ASAP so that I can go and procure myself a copy of Jim Butcher's new Dresden novel and sit on my ass long enough to read it all in one sitting.

So, busy week, over the course of which I probably won't be saying much. At least not in this space.

***

Zapthepram has informed me that he is an Anony-Man, not an anonymouse. So sorry for the confusion. ;-) He also asked me a good question about beta readers that I will get around to answering as soon as I get some more free time.

2004-07-29T17:45:00.000-05:00

The good: I finished Chapter Eight today.

The bad: My article on GenX women and adoption was turned down.

The not so bad: It was the same kind of rejection I always get--"Your piece is good and well-written, but it's just not right for our publication"--which is not entirely soul crushing. But they're giving me an opportunity to revise and re-submit, if I don't decide to market it someplace else. Or they're willing to let me try again with a different project. So now I have to decide what to do. Revising it to their specifications will be more work than I'm sure I have time for right now, plus this editor seems confident that I'd be able to sell it to a women's magazine with little trouble. But this news site pays well and it's all respectable and I really want to prove myself to them.

Decisions, decisions.

I wish I'd hear back from iHero already.

2004-07-28T19:18:00.000-05:00

I was right, you know. Hot pink toenails are the key to happiness.

2004-07-28T13:05:00.000-05:00

While nail polish shopping yesterday, I stopped to try on jeans and see if I could squeeze my ass into the next size down from what I've been wearing. And I could! And they looked good on me, even!

*wiggles shrunken ass*

Ahem. So. An anonymouse in one of my comments threads (and I use the term "thread" generously here) asked how I manage to sit down and write every day, being as I have ADD. I thought I'd post the answer here in case anybody else cares to know. And the answer is two-fold.

1) Not to sound too trite or Nike-sponsored, but I just do it. And no, it's not as easy as it sounds. It's probably easier for me, for now, because one of the advantages to not having found a job yet is that I don't really have much else to do, or at least nothing that can't fall behind writing on my list of priorities. So I have the luxury of being able to pick a time of day at which I'm the most able to focus and schedule my writing then. Right now this happens to be the first few hours of my day, starting as soon as I wake up, before too much else has a chance to distract me. But the point is that I make writing a daily priority and don't let it get pushed to the wayside by everything else I've got going on. I dont' write all day, mind, or at least not usually. I have a daily goal of 1,000 words, and (when I'm in the groove) spend as much time as it takes to reach that goal. Sometimes it takes an entire eight-hour work day. Sometimes it takes an hour. Sometimes I get hyperfocused and lose all track of time and my word count and whether I need to eat or pee and write an entire chapter or short story in one sitting. But usually it's about a thousand words, and it falls somewhere between two and three hours (the first of which is usually spent reading over what I wrote the previous day and then staring at nothing and trying to will the characters to speak to me). If I take enough short breaks and don't let people or pets distract me, I can stay focused for that long without too much effort. Also, once I get started with the actual writing part, it's usually pretty easy for me to leave it for a while and then come back to it, say, after lunch, or having to stop to break up a (literal) cat fight.

2) To be honest, I don't write every day. For one thing I usually have to take at least one day a week off, usually on the weekend, in order to get all the crap done that I've been putting off all week for the sake of writing, and also just so I can have a chance to relax and have some fun. And after I take a day off, it usually takes at least two or three days to get back into a solid groove. But the rest of the week, I sit down every day, either at my computer or in my "quiet place" with pen and paper, or, if the house is too distracting, I go to a coffee shop or someplace that's conducive to getting myself into work mode (I can't begin to explain why sometimes it's easier for me to focus in a coffee house full of noisy strangers than in a quiet room all by myself). Do I always produce anything when I sit down? Uh, that'd be a no. Generally, the first day after my day off, I sit there the entire time with my head in my hands, or staring at a wall or out the window at nothing in particular, just trying to access the story in my head. Usually, not much gets written on these days, if at all. The second day is a little more iffy--sometimes I wake up inspired and ready to go and the words flow like milk and honey, and sometimes I have to spend half my time trying to dig back down to the story and I only write about half my daily quota, if that much. But usually by the third day I'm back in the groove and everything flows pretty smoothly. And on the smooth-flowing days I usually write enough to make up for the shortage of the previous days.

The point is that I at least make an attempt almost every day. And whether on any given day I only write a word or a paragraph or a page or a whole chapter, as long as I keep at it, pretty soon it all starts to add up to something substantial that I can feel good about. I'm not sure who said it first--probably Stephen King--but if you only write one page a day, as long as you do it every day, at the end of a year you'll have a pretty decent-sized novel to show for it. And one page really isn't very much.

2004-07-27T13:58:00.000-05:00

No answers to my submissions yet. Having a bit of a down day because of it. But I've somehow become convinced that the cure to all my woes is to go out and procure myself some hot pink nail polish. So away I go.

2004-07-26T23:17:00.000-05:00

Is it just me, or does Sitemeter's spinning logo look like the flagship in a Borg Gay Pride Parade?

2004-07-24T00:47:00.000-05:00

My closet, she is clean!

"Big deal," you might be saying, but you must understand that this is the scary closet into which I've been randomly shoving crap I don't want to deal with since I moved in here. It was one of those cliched messy closets in which avalanches happen when the doors are opened and then you have to fight to get them closed again.

But no more!

Probably a third of what was in there went in the trash. Another third is standing by waiting to either be eBayed or carted off to resell shops and/or charity. And the remainder is neatly organized and easy to get to. I even fit all my knitting supplies in there, and! I think there's room for my comic book boxes. Or at least there will be after I go through those and take out what I want to sell and condense the keepers down to fewer boxes. That's probably going to be tomorrow's project.

I feel so accomplished. Cower before my organizational might, mere mortals! Or, y'know, not.

2004-07-23T17:27:00.000-05:00

No, I haven't gotten off my rear and started doing the eBay thing yet. Shut up.

It's raining, complete with thunder and lightning, and I'm trying to decide whether to try burning some CDs while I work. 'Cause it would suck if the power went out and I ruined a whole non-rewrite-able CD. But I think I'll risk it. I live on the edge, yo.

I also just had a bit of an epiphany about something I really love about guys, and that is the faint outline of whiskers you can see, especially on dark-haired guys. No, I don't mean stubble. I'm talking about the faint ghost of a shadow that shows you where a beard would grow if they didn't shave. That's just so... so male, and it is yum. Mmm, beard potential.

2004-07-23T16:19:00.000-05:00

So I finished chapter seven. Yeah, seven. I miscounted before when I said six. Or misread the chapter header. Or something. At any rate, it's done, and I'm further along than I thought I was, and there was much rejoicing.

Eight and nine are pretty much already written in my head, so those should go quickly once I get to them. And ten will consist mostly of the first scene I ever wrote for this thing. After that I'm going to have to do some thinking about What Happens Next. That should be fun.

This weekend, though, I need to be all about going through my crap and deciding what I can part with and either sell on eBay or unload at Vintage Stock to raise some spending cash for my trip to Oakland at the end of August. No, I can't really afford the trip, but I'm going anyway, dammit. Just you try and stop me. I'm so freaking psyched about it, and I'm already putting together schwag to exchange with my friends once I get there. Whee! MiniCon schwag is the best kind of schwag.

The eBay thing should be interesting, as I'm basically an eBay virgin. And just getting everything prepped to sell sounds like a lot of work. I think Tulsa has one of those eBay stores, so I might just haul my crap there and let them deal with it. But then again I might have just a tetch too much control freak in me to leave it to strangers. So we'll see. Right now I probably shouldn't be thinking too far beyond surviving the excavation through my scary closet and deciding what to sell, lest I get completely overwhelmed and just scrap the whole idea the way I usually do. And that won't happen this time. Nope. This time I'm really gonna do it. Really. Yes, really.

Oh, shut up.

2004-07-22T21:57:00.000-05:00

Catching up...

What an unexciting, uneventful week this has been. Well, that's not entirely true. From a writing standpoint, I finished and submitted both a short story and a non-fiction article; but the exciting thing will be if/when they get accepted and published.

I'm feeling a little out of touch because, aside from those projects, most of my time has been spent holed up in the guestroom downstairs, trudging my way through chapter 6. I'm still trying to get a picture in my head of what this world I'm writing in looks like, and that's what's taking so long. Well, that, and I [guilty]keep getting distracted by fanfic ideas[/guilty]. But I have high hopes of finishing the chapter tomorrow, or at least getting the rest of the way through a really rough draft/detailed outline of the thing.

Today I took off and went to run errands and buy stuff, some of it necessary, some if it slightly frivolous, but all of it justifiable. I went by Hobby Lobby to get material to finish off a couple of knitting projects I just finished, and ended up also buying new yarn to make two new purses. But if they come out looking like they do in my head, they'll be superfunkycool and will make fabulous gifts. Or just keep me in purses for the rest of the year. Whichever. After that I came home and watched Big Brother 5 (Scott + Jase = OMGHATE!!!!1!), then it was an oh-so-thrilling evening of walking the dog, working out, and playing with the nephew, who is here whilst his parents work on renovating their new house. Which brings me to now, wherein I'm in extreme need of a shower. Clean up, Stinky Jean.

2004-07-19T14:31:00.000-05:00

I'm completely useless today. Thanks to allergies, this morning I had a choice between taking Benadryl or not breathing, and breathing seemed like a really attractive prospect at the time. So I took the Benadryl. And now breathing is about the only thing I can muster the energy or brain power to do. Blah.

2004-07-18T15:02:00.000-05:00

Yet more non-job-having whinging/thinking out loud about the future:

I set up a Guru profile a little while ago, and when I go to search for jobs in my category, it tells me that I can't bid because my profile doesn't match. So screw you, Guru.

*ahem*

I got up and looked at the help wanteds first thing, as I do every Sunday these days, and the pickings made me want to cry. The whole reason I went back to school was to not have to be a secretary, but right now that's about all that's available to me. That, or call center customer service rep, and those don't pay enough to make my commute worthwhile. There were a couple of social service jobs that I'm qualified for, but those are low pay and on call and I know that if I get into social work I can kiss any hopes of a writing career goodbye because I won't have any time or energy left to write.

This week, I've got a short story ready to submit to an online 'zine (I just need to give it one more quick proofread and then it's ready to go), and my adoption article is due this Thursday. If both of these pay off, they're going to give me some really good credits for my resume. Hopefully in turn that'll help me get more freelance work. I'm giving serious thought to backing off on the job search and just trying to freelance full time, but I think I should see how these two projects work out before I start counting any chickens. But hell, I might as well, with the way the job market is right now. I've still got six months before I have to start making student loan payments, and by then my novel ought to be finished and ready to market. And maybe in six months I'll be able to build up enough momentum to be working pretty regularly in the freelance market.

I guess what I'm basically saying is, screw it. Screw looking for a job to support my writing, and just be a frickin' writer.

Wow. That's like a huge load off and a whole new batch of pressure all at once. Um, yay?

2004-07-16T13:36:00.000-05:00

Tales from the Cute:

Ash is here (which naturally means that nothing is getting done). Mom had to go run an errand, so she asked me to watch him for a while. I've been putting together a mixed CD for him--a pretty eclectic mix so far, including some Muppets, some Animaniacs, some Brak and some Wiggles alongside the Beatles and the Kinks and the Rembrandts (oh how that kid loves the Friends theme). I thought about putting some Ramones on there, so I decided to play some of their songs for him to see how he responded. Oh my Lord. There was dancing, and clapping, and spinning in circles, and attempting to jump (and falling down), and running, and whooping, and more dancing, and throwing himself on the floor and crying whenever a song was over. I think it's safe to say that my nephew is a Ramones fan, which is not too surprising, considering who spawned him.

I also think that he sorely needs to have this.

2004-07-15T17:42:00.000-05:00

Romero still gives good zombie.

2004-07-15T16:33:00.000-05:00

The tech writer job is not to be, alas. At least they were nice enough to send me a letter and tell me so instead of leaving me hanging.

Back to the classifieds. I've decided that between temping and freelancing, I'm doing okay enough to get by for a little while longer, so I'm going to keep looking for a job in which I'd stand a chance of being reasonably happy. As much as it sucks to be broke, the thought of continuing to be so until I find the right job doesn't make me cry and cause me to wake up at 4 AM in a cold sweat the way the thought of settling for a suck-job that I know I'll hate right off the bat does.

2004-07-15T00:03:00.000-05:00

I come bearing links:

Alien in 30 seconds, re-enacted by bunnies. There's also 30-second bunny The Exorcist, The Shining and Titanic. I think I just heard both halves of Anya Jenkins rolling over in her makeshift grave.

This makes me want to run to a comic shop and buy me some Batman. Someday, Batman, I will have a regular paycheck and we will be reunited. Oh yes, we will.

For some strange reason, it makes me happy that Neil Gaiman lives in exactly the sort of house I've always imagined him living in.

***

In other non-news, I've been kinda lazy this week, especially in re: the job hunt. I'm blaming I Love the '90s and the new seasons of TAR and Big Brother. I got a lot more done when there was nothing entertaining on TV. Plus there's still hope that I found my job and they just haven't gotten around to calling me and telling me yet. *hopehopehope*

The current chapter of this novel is turning out to be a long, tedious labor, too. I think this is because this is the first chapter where I didn't know what happens in it before I started it and I'm having to make it all up as I go, which involves a lot of sitting and staring at nothing in particular and trying to imagine what happens next, punctuated by brief stints of scribbling words down. I also keep getting distracted by the next two chapters, which are all written in my head and should be a breeze once I get to them. I'm tempted to just jot down a placeholder outline of chapter 7 and move on ahead to the stuff I'm sure about. But I'm not gonna. I don't think.

2004-07-13T01:38:00.000-05:00

Friday

2 PM - Arrive at Hilton. Find pageant guy. Get told to have a seat and hang out in lobby until they're ready for me. Find other temp and make small talk, then sit and read for forty-five minutes while pageant people get their shit together.

2:50 - Succumb to hunger and boredom and sneak off with other temp to find vending machines.

3:00 - Arrive back in hotel lobby and just get started on bag of chips when pageant MC decides it's finally time to tell us what our jobs are. Get handed written instructions for my job, then sit and wait while other temp gets quickie training. Sit and wait and read some more while MC and other temp register pageant contestants.

4:00 - Follow MC upstairs. Get handed stop-watch. Proceed to check contestants' names off list, explain interview procedure to them, send them in to judges, time room, knock on door after two minutes, knock again after 3, explain to girls where to go next when they come out. Rinse, lather and repeat for next five hours.

5:00-ish - Nurse sore, purpling knuckles. Politely laugh at ten thousandth joke about how my knuckles sure must hurt. Start making waiting contestants do my knocking for me.

7:00 - Realize dinner break won't be happening and thank Jesus that I still had an old Slim-Fast bar in my purse.

9:00 - Usher out last contestant. Sit and wait while pageant coordinator explains stuff to one group of judges. Explain to second set of judges suddenly bombarding me with questions and wanting to go home that I'm just a temp and I don't know anything. Listen to them whine. Tell them coordinator has more instructions for them. Get assured that he's told them all they need to know and get handed their judges' notes to give to coordinator. Watch them leave seconds before coordinator dismisses first set and heads in to debrief second set. Explain to coordinator that they took off and gave me all of their notes. Watch coordinator have meltdown. Get dismissed, but asked to come in forty-five minutes early next morning. Blink while inwardly cringing at how early this would mean I'd have to get up, but smile and agree. Get the hell out before he starts cussin' about absentee judges again.

11:00 - Arrive home after stop at Wal-Mart to put money on gas card and get some cash, both of which took ridiculously long time to do, stop at gas pumps, and stop at Sonic for food, glorious food. Take melatonin and get in bed. Take an hour and a half to fall asleep.

***

Saturday

6 AM - Wake up. Try not to be stunned by early hour. Get dressed, get shit together, eat breakfast, leave.

8:10 - Arrive at pageant auditorium five minutes early. Wander around for ten minutes trying to figure out exactly where I'm supposed to go. Ask cop on pageant security duty where the pageant people are. Find out he's as clueless as I am. Feel really safe and secure. Happen upon pageant photographer and follow him to rest of crew. Stand about while they decide what to have me do first.

8:45 - Get taken to backstage storage room with several boxes full of trophy parts. Commence unpacking and assembling pageant trophies.

9:20 - Watch pageant coordinator's face fill with joy and relief upon mentioning that Tulsa does indeed have a Starbucks. Get handed wad of cash and coffee order. Decide I don't so much mind getting coffee for the menfolk when it involves getting to leave and go to Starbucks and getting to put a caramel latte for myself on the tab.

9:45 - Arrive back with coffee to find Miss Teen (and Jr. Teen and Pre-Teen) Tulsa Pageant rehearsals underway. Hang out backstage and watch whilst enjoying my latte. Think that this temp gig sure beats labeling file folders.

10-ish - Stand back and watch as girls who still needed to pay fees filed in to do so. Watch one girl's working class mama cart in armload of envelopes and plastic bags full of coins and singles. Sit down with mama and help her count all the money out and hear about how her daughter went out every day to raise sponsorship money to cover her fees, canvasing neighborhood, selling candy outside grocery stores, etc. Watch mama almost burst with pride as she goes on about what a good kid and great student her girl is. Start rooting for this girl to win.

10:30 - Receive quick tour of dressing rooms and route contestants will take from stage doors to get to them. Proceed to give same tour to groups of contestants as they finish rehearsals and exit the stage.

Noonish - Finish showing girls where to go. Hang out and watch as MC finishes explaining pageant rules and procedure to girls and parents. Wonder when lunch break will happen. Stop wondering when handed more cash and list of Quiznos orders.

One-ish - Return from Quiznos to find pageant folks missing. Hang out with stage hand and trade pageant stories and discuss Showbiz Moms & Dads until pageant folks return. Listen to more pageant stories and mocking while eating.

1:30 PM - Set out snacks on judges' tables.

2:00 - Help arrives in form of second temp. Give her tour of backstage and dressing rooms. Start hauling trophies from storage room to table hidden off stage right. Get abandoned when other temp decides to go out to car and change into more sensible shoes. Haul rest of trophies across stage myself. Grumble grumble.

2:30 - Get in position to direct girls and their mothers to dressing rooms in case they already forgot how to find them. Watch as cop lady is assigned security post and given instructions on who to let into dressing area.

2:45 - Stand out of the way as girls and mothers file in. Laugh at deer-in-headlights look on cop ladies face as she tries not to get trampled. Boggle at how many girls have to be re-shown where dressing rooms are. Run around like chicken with head cut off trying to help girls find bathrooms, straight pins, lost contestant numbers, lost mothers, etc.

3:20 - Start wrangling girls toward stage and lining them up to go on. Have time to watch pageant during casual wear competition, between having to go round up more girls.

4-ish - First pre-teen group finishes, has to change for formal wear competition. Start to lose all track of time as things start going to hell. One girl decides her dress doesn't fit right so she's going to quit and go home, but doesn't tell anyone. I run all over building, check every nook and cranny, go outside, everywhere I can think to look, trying to find her or her parents or anyone who might know where she went. Am on the verge of panic when friend finally informs us that she left. Somehow manage to get all other girls out on stage on time. Starting to feel exhausted and harried, legs and back are sore, ready to start smacking some teenage girls around if they don't stop talking backstage when told for fifth time to do so. Ask cop lady to please trade jobs, will even go to police school if I have to. Get turned down with a wide-eyed "No way in hell am I going in there."

8:00-ish - Formal wear competition is over. Wrangle all girls back onstage for final bows and judging. Finally get to sit down and watch as ten finalists from each division are revealed and sent backstage. Try to get sqealy finalists to keep it down while stuff is still happening onstage. Escort eleven year-old who is so nervous and excited she's about to pee to bathroom, then hustle her back before anybody misses her. Herd losers off stage and back into dressing rooms. Go back to help get finalists back on stage. Stand back and watch as runners-up and then winners are revealed. Watch "oh shit" reactions from pageant directors when Pre-Teen and Jr. Teen winners turn out to be sisters. Get happy when girl who raised all her own money wins Teen title. Get sent to keep parents of winners from rushing stage long enough for publicity photos to be taken. See Teen winner's mama crying, and start crying myself. See Teen winner crying, and cry some more. See eleven year old who almost peed herself crying her eyes out over not winning anything and feel really bad for her.

9:00 - Get time sheets signed by pageant director and dismissed. Leave thinking that was one of the most fun jobs I've ever had, but also the most exhausting, and hope to never have to do anything like that again. Drive home, manage to eat something, crawl into bed and proceed to sleep for twelve hours.

***

Sunday

Crawl out of bed around 11. Settle on sofa and proceed to watch VH-1 all day. Knit. Think that Axl Rose sure was purdy and it's a damn shame he had to get all bloated and kinda psychotic. Eat occasionally. Boggle at how sore my feet and legs still are. Go back to bed and sleep some more.

***

And that would be my weekend. Monday was a day for hanging out with family and running errands. Not much got done in the way of writing, but I did manage some more faerie research. I also worked out despite still being sore from all that running around I did backstage at the pageant, so go me. Tomorrow -- er, today, actually; damn, it's late -- things should get back on track, so long as I can get myself up early enough to start writing before any of the day's business has a chance to distract me and completely blow my focus.

2004-07-08T13:46:00.000-05:00

So. Job interview this morning. I was pretty trepidatious going in, because I wasn't really sure what the job would entail or whether it would be worth the extra-long commute. But I found a shorter, alternate route that makes the commute a non-issue. And after learning more (such as that it is indeed the technical writer position) and meeting some of the people and getting a glimpse of the work environment... we wants it, precious. Oh yes, we does.

Afterwards I drove around downtown a bit and found yet another totally fabulous little coffee shop in one of the many totally fabulous little urban neighborhoods that I tend to forget are hidden away all over Tulsa. When I find these places I think that I really could be perfectly happy living my entire life in or around Tulsa, if only it wasn't so dismally hard to meet new people (read: guys) here. For the most part, I really do love this town.

Anyway. While there I finished Chapter Six, and got a brief start on Seven. So progress has been made. Hopefully I'll be able to get up early enough tomorrow to work on it before I have to go to an afternoon temp job; otherwise it'll be Sunday before I have time to work on it again. Also on the writing front, and you already know this if you read my LJ (and I'm pretty sure the five of you who read this blog also read my LJ, so I'm being totally redundant), but yesterday I wrote a whole short story. It must have been divinely inspired, because I woke up and it was just sitting there in my brain, basically waiting for me to sit down and take dictation. This afternoon I'm going to type it up and send it to a couple of my beta readers, and once it's all polished up I'll submit it to iHero and hope for the best.

And now I'm going to talk a bit about last night's dream. If you hate reading about people's dreams, then now would be the time to make your exit. The part I really remember is that I was on top of a tall building--the tallest building in the world, in my dream, though I know it was neither the Sears Tower nor those funky towers in Malaysia or wherever. I couldn't tell you where it was, only that it reached astronomical heights, and it had a flat roof with no railing or raised ledges, and I was stuck on top of it. And even though the roof was about the size of a square city block, I was so terrified that I lay flat on my back and refused to move for fear of stumbling off. It's funny. I'm not normally afraid of heights, but in my dream I was paralyzed. So I'm thinking... fear of success? Like I'm subconsciously afraid that I'm going to achieve new heights only to fall flat on my ass? Or is that too obvious? I tend to think that I'm not normally afraid of failure. For one thing I'm pretty used to it. And not to sound too coporate office inspirational poster, but I've always seen failure as a learning and growth experience. But right now I'm on the verge of getting to live my dream, or at least a scaled down version of it, and that is both scary and exhilarating--kind of like visiting the roof of a really tall building. So I guess the message is to not let fear sabotage my success, as I've been known to do in the past. Huh. I guess I'm not really that blasé about failure after all.

2004-07-06T15:43:00.000-05:00

One of the funnest things about writing is the feeling you get when you're writing a scene with no thought to what comes later in the story, and suddenly you realize that you've just provided some really cool foreshadowing for something that will happen later on. It's a very good feeling.

Novel update: I finished chapter 5 last Thursday, and then spent Friday morning working out plot stuff before taking the weekend off. Today I made really good headway on chapter 6. *pats self on back* I have a job interview on Thursday, and I might have a temp job on Friday and Saturday, so between that and my article I probably won't get through 7 this week. But finishing 6 should be no problem.

I still don't know how many chapters the book will be, but I do know how all of the plot threads will eventually tie together, and that's a good thing to know.

2004-07-01T13:07:00.000-05:00

I need interview subjects for the article I'm writing for What We Now Know. I'm looking for single, childless women between the ages of 25 and 45 who have ever considered adoption as a backup alternative to more traditional means of starting a family. If you think you fit this description and are willing to be interviewed (your name can be withheld if you wish), please e-mail me at jeanjeanie@gmail.com.

And please spread the word.

Thanks!

Cross-posted from my LJ.

2004-06-30T21:08:00.000-05:00

Today was the best day ever! Or, well, at least the best day I've had in a long time. So good that it totally made up for the utter suckage that was Monday.

To start, the writing on chapter 5 flowed like a flowy thing, and I might have even been able to finish it today if I'd had more time. But I didn't, because I had a ticket to see Spider-Man 2 this afternoon. And before the movie I wanted to stop by Vintage Stock and grab the latest Astonishing X-Men, which I did, and which I read while waiting for the movie to start, and which I'll probably review in some form after I read it again, so for now I'll just say that it kicked ass. I also picked up my first Bat title in years, the latest Gotham Knights, which I haven't read yet, but it looks Joker-riffic, and appears to revisit The Killing Joke, so I'm barely containing myself wanting to go read it.

And as if the day long geekfest weren't enough, I came home to a message from someone wanting to set up an interview, and I think it's for the really well-paying secretarial job that I put in for a few weeks ago (but they didn't say in the message, so I'm not sure). And as if that weren't enough, I signed online to find an e-mail from an online news site, accepting the article query I sent them last month, with the potential for me to become a regular contributor.

*dies*

So. I didn't work out today, but I think I made up for it with all of the jumping up and down and squealing that I did this evening.

Some days, I really kind of like my life.

2004-06-28T14:21:00.000-05:00

Moving on. Here are some questions I need answers to. If you've got 'em, please let me have 'em.

If, while shooting an episode of an action-oriented TV series, the star needs help climbing down from a big-ass prop after they've filmed a scene, which person on the set would be most likely to assist him?

Who would be most likely to deliver a new script to the actors, especially for a show that's concerned about spoiler-control? Would they hire a messenger for that, or would a PA or somebody else on the staff deliver it personally?

How likely is a creator/producer (ala Whedon) to hang around the set for episodes s/he isn't directing? How likely is it for an episode's writer/s to hang around during filming?

For that matter, how likely is it for an actor's personal assistant to hang around the studio?

Thanks in advance for anything anybody can tell me about any of the above.

2004-06-28T12:31:00.000-05:00

Well today's proving to be a big ball of fun. Except not. A decision was supposed to be made on Friday about the job I interviewed for last week, so I kind of figure that if I don't hear from them today, that probably means I didn't get it. So I'm trying to write and not think about it, but with each hour that goes by without the phone ringing, I'm growing more depressed and unfocused. And instead of thinking about my story I'm busy making contingency plans and trying to talk myself out of depression.

I'm not desperate enough to apply to the call centers yet, but I'm getting there. And that's depressing enough in and of itself. Plus there's the whole being poor and mere weeks away from being flat broke no matter how well I budget. But mostly it's the question of why nobody seems to think I'm good enough to come and work for them. I realize that the job market is absolutely the suck right now, and there's a lot of competition out there, and that these things take time. But I've never had such a difficult time finding work before, and it's really starting to wear away at my self-esteem. Add to all that the fact that I went back to school and finished my degree so that I could take a step up in the world, and it's looking more and more like I'm going to have to take a step or two backwards. It's all enough to make me want to burst into tears. Which I've been on the verge of doing all morning. Like I said: fun!

I wish I wasn't so damn self-conscious about how I look in a bathing suit, because then I'd say "screw it" and head to the lake for a few hours and just try to relax and forget about it all. But I don't like how I look, and I don't really own a good suit anyway, and I always feel like a spaz wearing a tee-shirt over my suit, and besides, the lake is nasty and they charge to use the swimming area now and little kids probably pee all over it and make it even nastier. And swimming with the fishes creeps me out a little, especially as the water's so muddy you can't see what's brushing up against your leg. So no lake for me. What I really want to do is go shopping. But that's the absolute last thing I should do.

Yesterday, Neil Gaiman blogged the speech he gave at the Harvey Awards, and it contained some good advice:

As a solution to various problems you may encounter upon the way, let me suggest this:

Make Good Art.

It's very simple. But it seems to work. Life fallen apart? Make good art. True love ran off with the milkman? Make good art. Bank foreclosing? Make good art.

Keep moving, learn new skills. Enjoy yourself.

So that's what I'm trying to do: write my novel, and trust that everything else will work out somehow. There's just that pesky little matter of being able to focus. But there's always the outside possibility that somewhere out there is an editor who will think my story good enough to invest in, and if I can just finish my manuscript and get it into their hands, then perhaps they'll pay me enough that I won't need a full-time, steady job. Which, admittedly, is pretty damn unlikely to happen in the business of genre fiction. I have the same dream as every other struggling writer, but I've done my market research and I am a realist. Still, that doesn't keep me from hoping, and it sure as hell won't keep me from trying.

Even so, I really want that job, and I might have to take a day to wallow in self-pity if I don't get it. I just wish that they would let me know already.

2004-06-28T00:05:00.000-05:00

It's scary and amazing, and really kinda sad, how much this applies to me. Except, y'know, for that whole "boyfriend" part.

"We, the socially lazy, worry a lot. We worry about our intense displeasure at the slightest hassle. We worry about our ability to be good friends, to be good parents. How will we endure the endless interruptions that children will bring to our lives? What the fuck is our problem? "

2004-06-26T23:56:00.000-05:00

LiveJournal still won't let me do something as simple as reading my friends list. Bastards.

Saw Dodge Ball, and it was teh funneh. Rip Torn and Jason Bateman especially cracked my shit up. And so did that kid from Ed.

I also spent yet more money that I don't have, but they were justifiable purchases. I found a nice pair of black dress slacks for 60% off and went ahead and grabbed them. And so I have work pants that actually fit me. All I need now is some work.

I picked up a Dora the Explorer book for my nephew (he can't get enough of that bossy little chiquita), and some more cheapy writing journals that were buy-two-get-one-free. I probably have enough of those to last me for a while, but I'm sure I'll use them eventually. I ran out of room in my Faerie Tale (and by the way, I thought that was lame and obvious even for a working title, but I found a novel tonight that actually has that title, which made me snicker, and then made me say damn, because now I definitely have to come up with something else) journal and had to work several pages into a new one to finish chapter four (and yes, I did finally finish it today).

I also bought this:

I thought it looked nice and epic along the lines of A Song of Ice and Fire without being a total rip-off of said. It's also the first book in a series. As if I need to get into yet another series. But maybe between this and The Two Towers (my current bedtime reading) and The Once and Future King, I'll be all set until the new Dresden Files comes out. Which will be good, because I'm sure to be needing a break from all the historical fantasy and sword & sorcery by then.

All that, and I wrote fic, too. All in all, 'twas both a productive and fun day. And now I'm going to pat myself on the back for a minute, and then get my tired arse to bed.

2004-06-25T17:44:00.000-05:00

I had high hopes of spending this evening catching up on my LiveJournal comments and friends list, but the ass-tasticness of their servers has dashed that dream. I got a notice from them this afternoon telling me that I have ten days to renew some of my paid account features, too. Right now I'm thinking, nuh-uh. Maybe if they fix whatever their problem is in the next ten days, I'll decide to get on that.

At least now I have no excuse not to work on answering e-mail.

The novel is still chugging. I'm still on chapter 4, which is turning out to be an Incredible Expanding Chapter, and might end up needing to be divided into 4 and 5 if it doesn't decide to end anytime soon. I think I'll finish it tomorrow, but I've been thinking that for about three days now.

By the way, I found this helpfully informative, occasionally snarky list of showbiz terms and definitions while doing some book research the other night. It never ceases to amaze me how you can totally make stuff up and yet still appear to laymen to know what you're talking about if you just get the lingo right. Which is good, because let's face it, nobody's going to let me hang out on a TV show set and see how things are done any time soon. Thank goodness for behind-the-scenes DVD extras and "making of" documentaries, is all I've got to say.

No word yet on the job front, although I am on the temp agency's backup list for another day of pageant contestant processing tomorrow. As much as I could use the money, I kind of hope I don't get called for it (and if I haven't been by now then I probably won't be). I really need a day to set the novel aside and just kick around and relax. And maybe work on some of my fanfic. And possibly go see Dodgeball, despite the painful P.E. memories it will probably dredge up. That girl you see huddled in the fetal position and drooling into her theater chair whilst mumbling incoherently and trying to protectively cover her head after the movie? That'll probably be me.

2004-06-23T16:38:00.000-05:00

Busy busy busy. I had a job interview this morning, kind of a last minute thing at the same company where my friend Tess and my little sister both work. Saturday, Tess told me about a data control position that had been open for a while and was about to close, so the last couple of days she and I both scrambled to get my resume to the right people and this morning they had me come in and fill out an application and stick around for an interview. I don't want to jinx myself by talking about how well the interview did or didn't go. But I will say that this is really an ideal job for my current situation--it's the sort of thing where I show up and do the work and get paid, and I won't have to think about it once I leave the office, which means I'd be able to go home and write. There are actually two slots open--one 8 to 5 and the other 10 to 7. The 10 to 7 shift would mean that I would most definitely have to get myself a TiVo. But it would also mean I could get up early enough in the morning to get some writing done before work without killing myself. So I'm hoping for that one. I should know one way or the other within a week.

I also submitted my resume for a technical report writing position, but on second thought, knowing me, if I had a job where I spent all day writing reports, writing would be the last thing I'd want to do with my free time. So that job might not bode so well for my novel and other projects.

Speaking of the novel, it's plugging along. I'm well into the fourth chapter. When I get through the fifth I think I'll go ahead and type up what I've got so far and let my beta readers take a look so they can tell me whether they think I've really got a good thing going. I'm currently writing it longhand in a cheap little B&N writing journal, and I bought two more of those yesterday because this one is almost full already. As much as I both need and want a full-time job, the writer part of me hates that I have to get one, because I've got some excellent momentum going here and a job is going to severely screw that up. At least until I get settled in a routine. I just have to keep reminding myself that even if I can only write 500 words a day, as long as I keep at it I'll still finish the manuscript this year, and that ain't bad. How my remaining fic WIPs will fit into that equation, I have no clue. But I'll figure something out. I promise that I won't abandon them, no matter what happens.

2004-06-17T22:30:00.000-05:00

To: The driver of that black Mercedes
From: Jean Cousins
Subject: This afternoon on I-44

So, just how much of an asshat do you have to be to give someone the finger after they honk at you simply to make you aware that you're about to plow head-on into their front passenger fender?!! It boggles my mind. People like you are what's wrong with this world. You make me weep for humanity. Ass-tard.

I ended up at Barnes & Noble, quelle surprise. I managed to show some restraint. I didn't buy any poetry. But I did pick up this:

And this:

The second was primarily for research purposes. It has a lot of information on the Pooka, as well as other sidhe mythology about which I'm pretty clueless. So I feel justified.

Also? I finished chapter 2. It's a short chapter, but still. I believe it's safe to say that I'm on a roll. Go team me.

2004-06-17T13:19:00.000-05:00

I had a phone interview a while ago for a job that I submitted my resume for weeks ago. Whether or not I get called back for a face-to-face, it was a nice and much needed self-esteem boost. I've been a little mopey the last few days over the lack of responses to all of my inquiries, analyzing my resume and cover letters and wondering what I'm doing wrong. But I guess the whole process just takes longer than I'd anticipated and I need to be more patient. The fish are finally starting to bite, and even if they're only taking little nibbles, it's very reassuring.

Downstairs, my mom keeps blasting music while she's cleaning, and it comes up through my floor crystal clear. Earlier it was Elvis singing gospel. Ah, Elvis and Jesus. There's a combination that's conducive to writing about a morally bankrupt supernatural critter. And now it's... somebody else singing more gospel. Methinks I'm going to have to go and find an elsewhere to be if I want to get any writing done. Yesterday I camped out on the back deck all day, and it was slightly overcast and cool and there were storms nearby but not aimed at us and I could hear thunder in the distance and I was surrounded by doggies and they were behaving and it was lovely. But today it's just hot.

I might drive all the way in to Nordaggio's, that neat little cafe all the frickin' way out by ORU that I mentioned in my LJ a few months back. Or maybe I'll just try my luck at Border's. I should leave my credit card home, because I have a sudden urge to bring home some Pablo Neruda and some T.S. Eliot. And some Christopher Moore. And also some Batman. There's other, less fun stuff that I actually need, though, like shampoo and antifreeze. Plus I need to find a public fax to submit my time sheet from last Sunday. So I might just have to practice some self-restraint. We'll see how that goes.

Ach. Bitch Kitty just dumped a bunch of CDs onto Fizzgigg's head. Poor puppy. Satanic cat.

Anyway.

I got a pretty good start on the second chapter before Elvis so rudely invaded my headspace, but nowhere near my thousand word quota, so I still need to hit that at the very least. While I'm out I might also work on developing an idea I had for a possible short story. I don't get original short story ideas very often, so I'd better not let this one get away. It's loosely based on a dream the other night wherein my temp agency sent me to go around handing out checks to people to cover their debts on behalf of Oprah (?!). If I lose Oprah and add a sinister plot, I just might have myself a story. *crosses fingers*

2004-06-16T17:13:00.000-05:00

I finished chapter one, I finished chapter one, neener neener neener, I finished chapter one! Hooah!

I promise not to do that with every chapter.

2004-06-14T20:33:00.000-05:00

I had excellent intentions, as I do most Mondays, of kicking the week off with a burst of productivity. But I overslept, and then my one-year-old nephew was here, and I spent the better portion of my afternoon playing toddler versions of tag and hide & seek and various other Ash & Aunt Jeanie games that we haven't come up with names for, most of which involve making faces and being really loud. And me following him around while he points at things and explains them to me in baby gibberish. And some dancing. Much fun was accomplished. Alas, I can't say as much for the work side of things.

It wasn't a total loss, though. I did manage a decent start on the first chapter on the novel with no name (I really need to come up with a better working title than the oh-so-creative and pretentiously spelled Faerie Tale that's currently scrawled on the front of the notebook). I only got as far as about 600 words before my attention span sputtered and died, but I'm feeling good about them. And I'm having a blast writing my own characters again. I'd almost forgotten what that was like.

I'm cutting myself a break since I had to work yesterday, which actually turned out to be the most interesting and unique temp job I've had to date: interviewing potential beauty pageant contestants. I thought that I was going to be doing data entry and processing their applications, but more girls showed up than expected so they had me help with interviews instead. The age group was 10-19, and I ended up mostly with 10-15-year-olds. I was given four questions: why did they decide to enter; how would they feel if they didn't get chosen to compete; what is one word that their best friend would use to describe them; and finally, what is the most important lesson that they've learned from life? It was my job to ask the questions and jot down keywords from their responses, as well as make any notes on my impressions of their personalities. I felt bad, because all these little girls thought I was an important judge-type person and they were working so hard to impress me, when all the actual decision-makers would see of them were a few key bullet points. I kept wanting to tell them, "Honey, calm down, I'm just a temp."

But the job was fascinating, and a lot more fun than I expected it to be. It also reminded me that I actually have pretty good people skills when I'm dealing with coworkers and customers. It's only in social situations that I become all spastic and shy. Having to play the extravert all day sure was exhausting, though. Much as I need the paycheck, I'm glad it was only for the one day.

Today I'll leave off with a link. Jessa at Bookslut pointed to this article on the question of comic books as literature. I couldn't get through the whole thing because all of the eye-rolling I was doing was giving me a headache, and when I got to the line (emphasis mine) "The reader can pick and choose as the mood takes him or her (no, that should just be him)" I feared that my eyes might actually freeze that way. I'm not sure which is more insulting, the article itself or that the author is so obviously trying to stir a reaction. The only reaction he stirred in me (beyond the eyerolling) was to shake my head and call him a moron under my breath.

2004-06-11T12:40:00.000-05:00

Started outlining the novel today. Only got as far as chapter 10, but I have a vague idea of what happens after that. I now know that the stuff I wrote yesterday will constitute most of chapter 8. I think I'm ready to start writing this puppy from the beginning. Probably not until Monday, though, seeing as I've got a pretty full weekend ahead. My staffing agency called, and they have work for me on Sunday. Yay, job! Boo, working on Sunday. But it's only the one day, and I'm far too desperate to turn my nose up at it.

Speaking of work, yesterday I sent out another query. This makes three this week. Here's hoping at least one of them pans out. I also applied for a possibly longterm freelance copy editor position for a social science research group. I'm hoping my brand spanking new social science degree will help make up for my lack of professional editing credits. *crosses fingers*

I still feel bad about neglecting my other novel, especially since it was just taking off right before I had to stop and hyperfocus on my senior thesis. I haven't lost interest in it or anything--I really think I've got a good story there. It's just that I think this new one is a better idea all around, plus I can see it all a lot more clearly whereas I'm still struggling to figure out everybody's motivation on the other one. I wasn't going to actually start writing the new one until the other was at least halfway finished, but I figure I'm better off striking while the inspiration's hot. Stop thinking about it and actually write it. What a novel concept.

Er. No pun intended.

2004-06-10T12:46:00.000-05:00

I started my new novel in earnest this morning. I hadn't planned to, but when I woke up I could see this scene so clearly that I had to get it down. As usual, I started somewhere in the middle (linear writing's for sissies!), and I'm not sure where this scene is going to fit in the overall grand scheme. But I'm really pleased with it. I think it set the tone for the whole book, and it gave me a really good handle on two of the main characters. What's more, I like these characters. It's all left me feeling kinda giddy.

Hopefully that giddiness will spill over into the query letters I need to write today. I had planned on setting aside today to clean, but looking through the freelance help wanteds last night I found several possibilities. It was much too late and I was much too tired to follow up on them last night, but I don't want to put it off any longer. But once those are done I'm cleaning. Hear that, place? *shakes tiny fist at apartment* Your cluttered, cat hair coated, stinky days are coming to an end!

2004-06-08T17:28:00.000-05:00

Test post. Trying to work out the commenting bugs.

2004-06-08T15:58:00.000-05:00

And we're back! Although after more than a year on hiatus I might as well just say I'm starting over (even though one need only scroll down to view last year's posts).

This will be my venue for ~~whining about~~ sharing my adventures in trying to get people to pay me to write. And trying to write the things for which I hope to get paid. And writing in general. Yes, that's right folks, it's yet another blog by a struggling freelance writer. Because the overwhelming lack of such had left such a void in my life... oh, sorry, let me put on my sarcasm tag: [/sarcasm]

At any rate, that will be the gist of this new, hopefully improved blog o' Jean. Some personal life blather might creep in here from time to time, but I'll try to keep that to a minimum. I think. I also have a livejournal for all of my fangirl blather, and I haven't decided yet where I'll put the personal stuff. So I'll just play it by ear until I get it all figured out.

For those of you who haven't been following my LJ, here's where I'm at right now: I'm a brand new college graduate with a degree in social and behavioral science that I'm not sure what to do with who is seeking employment, and I'm trying to get my freelance writing career off the ground in the meantime. Because writing is where my heart lies. It's really the only thing I can see myself doing every day for the rest of my life without losing my sanity. I have no idea what metaphorical crack I was smoking when I decided to major in psych/soc instead of English or Communications (I just know that it seemed like a really good idea at the time), but the most important thing that last three years of schooling have taught me is that writing is what I want to do. Thankfully I at least had the good sense to minor in English.

So this is me, in a nutshell, trying to launch a full-fledged writing career. Welcome to the next phase of my life. Please bear with me while I work out the bugs.

2003-03-28T11:23:00.000-06:00

Well, it's been a (mostly) great ride, but now that Blogger is owned by Google instead of Ev, I don't feel the same need to keep on supporting it. As livejournal offers more features that I actually use for almost half the price of Blogger Pro, I'm moving. Well, not moving so much as just not blogging to this page anymore. All of the rest of RitalinJunkie Productions will remain, and I'll leave up my archives; but for my journal and regular updates and what have you, go here now. If you have any bookmarks or links to this page you'll need to reset them to either that addie or RJP's main index page.

2003-03-27T15:03:00.000-06:00

The bad: I majorly overslept this morning, and when I finally did wake up I felt crappy. And as I'm out of both Sudafed and Claritin I still feel crappy. Fizzgigg feels crappy too, poor little guy. Stupid allergies.

The good: I woke up with the next scene of DL 3.11 demanding my attention, so I got a good start on that. I'm just taking a break from it, then hopefully I'll be able to finish it (the scene, that is, not the whole episode) before I have to go buckle down and study. At least Survivor's not on tonight, so I won't have any distractions on that front.

Don't have much to say about last night's Angel. Funny, it's a great show, highly entertaining, but it just doesn't set my thought processes in motion like it's parent show does. Whatever happens, even if it's not something I really wanted to happen, I'm like, *shrug* whatever. I think Gunn hit the nail on the head for me when he called it a supernatural soap opera. That's exactly what this show has evolved into. Not that there's anything wrong with that, if it's done right, which Angel is. But the storylines are just so convoluted and, well, soapy that they just don't carry the same emotional resonance for me. It's really become a plot-driven show, whereas Buffy is still character driven, with the plots forming a backdrop for character development. For instance, it's not really about the First waging war and wanting to end the world. It's about Buffy's growth as a leader and how she handles the tough decisions, and how that affects the people around her. Whereas on Angel it all seems pretty WYSIWYGy and surfacey. Angel's transformation into Angelus didn't lead to deeper character growth for Angel or anybody else, save Faith. The Evil Pregnant Cordy storyline so far doesn't seem to be a metaphor for anything deeper, it's just Evil Pregnant Cordy, gee isn't that shocking and squicky. I'm not saying they don't have character growth. One need only look at Wesley to see that that's not so. But character development doesn't really seem to be the point anymore. So I guess it's a personal preference thing, but this is why as good as Angel is this season, I just can't see it as the superior show.

Wow, that turned out longer and rantier than I intended. Oh well. I'mma go finish my scene and then (after a time out for some yoga) hit the books. In the mean time, for everybody heading to Chicago or any other of the major Cons coming up, here's some conning tips a friend sent me. I have no idea where they originated, so my apologies to the source.

Tips for surviving a sci-fi convention

2003-03-26T01:39:00.000-06:00

I'm having another thought (scroll past the spoiler space)...

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It's late, and I'm sleepy, so bear with me if I don't explain this right. But I got the sense in tonight's ep that Spike's epiphany wasn't just about his mother, but also about the deliniation between the demon and the human soul. That creature who came on to him was not his mother. She was a demon. Something which I think Spike has always understood intellectually, but has never really *got.* Because I don't think Spike ever thought of himself as two separate entities. He changed upon turning, yes; he became stronger, better (to his mind), more evil and more confident. But I think he truly believed he was still the same *person* inside, and that he still felt that way upon getting his soul back. He now had a conscience and a sharper memory of William's pain, but I think that he's always thought of himself as, essentially, William. A William who gave himself a makeover complete a new attitude and a new name to prove his mother wrong, to prove that he wasn't a weak little mama's boy (and has been trying to prove that ever since), but still William nonetheless. So I don't think it really occurred to him before that there was a clear deliniation and that other vampires were not the same people they were in life. Again, I think he understood the concept intellectually before tonight, but now he gets it on a gut level.

I think that's the primary difference between souled Spike and Angel. Angelus never confused himself with Liam. He knew what he was and what he was meant for. Introduce Liam's soul back into that mix, and sure there's going to be an identity struggle. Angelus had his own strong sense of identity separate from the human that he was, so, no, Angelus and Angel are not the same being. They don't identify with each other and they don't like each other and they each resent having to share a body and a brain with the other.

So, I don't think the two approaches we're being given are contradictory. I think they make sense. Angel is not Angelus, but Spike is William, because he never stopped being William. As such it's harder for Spike to separate the actions of the demon from those of the souled being and give himself a free pass from responsibility for the demon's actions. Unlike certain other recently re-ensouled vampires who don't say to certain other Slayers "Hey, sorry about about giving you up to the Beast and kicking your ass and biting you," but instead say "Sorry I wasn't around while you were here."

2003-03-25T22:32:00.000-06:00

More thoughts upon rewatch (spoilers, duh):

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The stuff William's mom said to him really explains why he so completely remade himself.

And not to go all maudlin 'shipper, but damn. How can they show us everything they've shown us about William's past and not let it end with him finding real love? I'm hoping that they can't. Yes, I said the "H" word. Leave me alone.

Does Buffy still have a job? I mean, does one say to one's boss that they'll let their ex-boyfriend kill him if he tries anything again and then show up at the office the next day?

Speaking of ex-boyfriends, shut up, Giles. I still love you, and I'm gonna cut you slack on account of you probably not knowing about Spike begging Buffy to kill him or offering to leave, but Angel left because he couldn't deal. He is not something Spike should aspire to. Not having that level of self-awareness my ass. Spike is made of stronger stuff than that. Something you'd realize if you'd pull your head out for two seconds and think about the fact that he chose his soul. Gah! See, this is what has me all disappointed in Giles, that that distinction doesn't even occur to him. I understand that he's putting the fate of the world before Spike's welfare, or Buffy's, or even his own, considering that he had to know Buffy wouldn't forgive him. Spike has earned the benefit of the doubt, and I understand why Giles is reluctant to give it to him, but he's ignoring every reason that he should even consider doing so.

Believe it or not, I actually have sympathy for Wood. What Spike said about his mother not loving him was harsh and not entirely true, but I don't hold it against Spike seeing as how the man had just tried to kill him. But it made me feel sorry for Wood nonetheless.

2003-03-25T20:37:00.000-06:00

First thoughts on "Lies My Parents Told Me." This entire post contains spoilers for that ep.

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Huh. Keren & Meredith got it right. Spike really did turn his mum.

I'm not sure how I feel about this ep yet. It was a great ep. I'm relieved and proud that Spike didn't kill Wood, and I loved when Buffy said she'd let Spike kill him next time. But Giles ... Man. He totally broke my heart. And we didn't get any real Spuffy resolution, just more of Buffy obviously caring about him and yet claiming that she only needs him because he's a good warrior. And with the talk about the mission coming first, and Spike's speech about the Slayer being alone and not being able to put love first ... Oh, who am I kidding. I'll ride this 'ship to the bitter end. But the wind has definitely been taken out of my sails.

On a more upbeat note, Drusilla's reaction to Spike wanting to take his mom on the honeymoon was priceless. And also very sane. I can't believe they got Juliet Landau back and only used her for one scene.

We got more Punk Spike. That was of the good. He was wet, too. Too bad he had to be in vamp face the whole time.

Did they give Cecily a last name other than Addams, or did I misunderstand? I know it didn't make it on screen so I guess technically it's not actually canon, but that was her last name in the FfL shooting script, as well as in the tie-in novel I'm reading. And in at least two of my fics. So that bugs. And didn't Drew Goddard cowrite this ep? Tsk tsk, your continuity crown is slipping, Drew.

So, yeah. There was a lot that was good. Great, actually. And yet I'm feeling let down. By the characters, not by the show, and I guess it's a testament to how great this show was that it absolutely didn't suck and yet has left me feeling so sucky. Why, Giles? Why?

I'm gonna go look for some chocolate now.

2003-03-25T12:44:00.000-06:00

Le sigh. I was going to take my new writing journal and go camp out on the back deck until time for my PM class, but almost the instant I decided to do that the sky clouded over and it started thundering in the distance. Whatever, nature.

Lately I've had a surge of ideas for original stories, but of course no time to work on any of them. I'm trying to get the ideas written down and fleshed out as best I can before I have to stop and work on academic stuff, so that I don't forget them. Today's really the last day I'll have to work on my own creative endeavor's for a while. I have a social theory test next Tuesday, covering three social theorists. I figure if I spend two days on each one starting tomorrow, I ought to have a pretty good handle on them by test time. And as soon as that test is past I'm going to have to buckle down and get started on all of my term projects. Any time I can squeeze out for writing in the meanwhile is going to have to go to DL.

Speaking of DL, the 3.9 author is MIA again. Fenwic, eep, adj, etc., if you're around tonight, we might have to take some time out of post-Buffy chat to discuss possible contingencies.

I've got a very rough outline sketched out for the A plot of the tie-in novel I want to write. I know when to set it and who the major players are. I've even got some shout-outs planned (I'm thinking the main villain will be an Adjwic demon named Mudge, and Nauti Bitz sounds like a good name for a demon strip club -- or, ooh! Nauti Bytez as a cybercafe that specializes in internet porn! Two birds, baby!). Still have no idea what to do for a B plot, but I figure one will emerge while I'm writing the thing. I'm giving this story priority over Modern Brides. I figure I have a better chance of marketing this one on my own, and if I do manage to get it published it'll look good on my vitae when I try to get an agent to handle MB. There's also the hope that, with the show ending and all, by the time I finish this story I'll have the whole fanfic bug out of my system and will be able to concentrate on my own characters instead of Spike for a change. It sounds good in theory.

In other news, I'm getting my squee on for tonight's Buffy. I'm not getting my hopes up. I learned that lesson with "First Date." I am hope-less. However, with the countdown to the end officially begun and only five eps left after tonight, I'm thinking that if Spike and Buffy don't finally get back together tonight then it's just not going to happen. So if they don't, I'll probably need some consoling tonight. I'm going in anticipating disappointment and zero progress for Spuffy. Then there's no way I can get burned, right? Right.

2003-03-23T18:56:00.000-06:00

I forgot all about the Oscars being on tonight. And I can't honestly say that I care. But it'll feel weird not to watch them. Maybe I'll have them on in the background while I work on my fic. I know how this installment of the garden fic ends now, and I have to get it down tonight before I forget again.

A lovely day was had today. I slept past noon, which won't be such a good thing when I have to get up and go to class in the morning, but for now I feel great, even though I woke up in the middle of the night from another creepy, creepy dream about an entirely different creepy little girl. This was a little blonde girl, about 10 to 12 years old, and she lived in the house next door to the house I grew up in (even though it wasn't a house that actually exists). She kept coming over and looking in our windows, trying to get in the house. I'd see her outside sometimes, watching us -- I recall one extremely vivid image of walking outside and seeing her perched in a tree, watching me, but when I tried to talk to her she climbed down and disappeared. She never spoke, and I can't really remember what her face looked like, even though at one point in the dream I woke up (in my dream) and looked out my window and saw her standing there watching me. I have no idea why, but I knew that it would be very bad if she ever got inside the house. Like I said, creepy. I woke up freaked out, but then I turned on my light and grabbed my idea journal and jotted it all down. I'm not sure what it is yet, but there's got to be a story in there.

Once I got up and got dressed, I drove in to Tulsa and did some light shopping. Stopped at Ulta to look for some of that Thermasilk frizz fighter stuff I'm running out of, and they don't carry it either. I'm beginning to suspect they've stopped making it. Why, Thermasilk, why? Why have you forsaken me? Do you want me to get split ends? Is that it? Humph! Anyway, I also went to three different book stores (four if you count Vintage Stock, which also sells used books at their other location, but this one apparently focuses more on gaming. Even their comics selection was lousy) looking for pretty much any short story collection containing Peter S. Beagle's Come, Lady Death, with no luck. But I did go ahead and buy The Last Unicorn and Tamsin. Looking forward to reading those. Someday. I also picked up a new writing journal that was on sale at Borders. I have plenty of idea journals, but this one looks well suited for actually writing stories in. After all that I parked my rear in Panera until I had a page and a half of new garden fic and a solid idea of where to go from there. So with any luck I'll have that finished tonight.

About the TWoP B/A banner, I feel kinda sad for the folks who put it up. I think they really believe they're going to get a B/A ending. I feel no need to retaliate, but unlike a lot of you that's largely because I think I'm gonna get my 'ship in the end. And no, this isn't some pathetically delusional S/B 'shipper talking. This is someone who understands the mechanics of storytelling and who periodically looks at what this show is doing and where it's come from as objectively as possible, from a logical storytelling perspective, and I see it headed towards a Spuffy-friendly ending. It might not end with human Spike and Buffy riding off into the sunset to live happily ever after and have tiny, tiny babies, but barring either of them dying, I don't see it ending on anything other than at least a hopeful note for this couple.

Anyway. Something I do think might be a nice idea is if we -- fans of Spike, that is, not necessarily fans of Spuffy -- at some point would put up a nice banner just to thank ME for treating us to such a fabulous character. Of course, I detest the idea of giving any money to TWoP as much as anybody, but people inside the industry really do check that site regularly, and it would be nice to let them know that the Spike haters at TWoP don't speak for all of us. Just something along the lines of a few choice Spike quotes from over the years, with a "Thanks to Joss, James and the rest of Mutant Enemy for bringing this character to life." Or maybe a tagline like "Character growth: It's not for the timid." Yeah, I drove around a lot today, I had time to put some thought into this. Anyway, it's just an idea. If anybody wanted to take it and run with it, I'd chip in.

Woops, time for the Oscars. Gotta run. Actually, gotta write. Here's hoping the awards aren't too terribly distracting, and yet not mind-numbingly boring for the sake of everyone else watching them tonight.

2003-03-22T21:11:00.000-06:00

Well, the baby shower came off without a hitch. Wore me out, too. I forget how draining large social gatherings are for me until I try to get through them. I put the "I" in the "INFP," y'all. I should amend that to say large social gatherings of mostly people I'm not that well acquainted with or close to or have nothing in common with and therefor nothing to talk about. Or something. Or maybe it was just that I didn't completely sleep off the Tylenol PM I took last night before I had to get up and go fetch my cat from the vet. At any rate, after everybody left I went to lie down and decompress for "just a few minutes" and ended up dozing for about an hour. Then I got up and my mom and I went to Chili's for supper. Mmm, Chili's. We also stopped at the Wal-Mart Supercenter to see if they still carry Thermasilk Weightless Frizz Fighter, and much to my chagrin, they don't. This means that both of the Wal-Marts in my vicinity have stopped carrying it. Now I have to find out who does. Because I simply can't go without that stuff. Stupid Wal-Mart.

Wow. Look at all the product placement in that paragraph.

Anyway. Speaking of sleep, last night I had a creepy-ass "The Ring" related dream. Actually, in retrospect and from the waking side of things, it was more lame than creepy, but when I was actually having the dream it was disturbing. I don't remember details, but it involved hiking in the woods near my house and finding that well -- *you* know the one -- and somehow the little girl had rigged up glass around it so that it looked nice and safe, like an exhibit or something, but when you poked your head inside to look down the well a razor sharp piece of glass slid down from above and guillotined anybody dumb enough to look. On second thought, that's still pretty disturbing in retrospect, too. Stupid scary movie.

Now I'm in for the night, and I think I'm going to go watch that Winding Roads movie I taped the other night, then I'll probably end up on AIM. I'm not worrying about any of my stories for the time being. I'm actually trying *not* to think about them, in the hopes that they'll sneak up on me and barrage me with ideas. That happens sometimes. Tomorrow's gonna be all about writing, though. I'll probably have to take my pretty pen and a legal pad to a coffee shop somewhere to get it going, but by God, some writing is going to get done tomorrow! Oh yes, it will. Stupid writer's block.

2003-03-21T11:03:00.000-06:00

Haven't updated in a while, because every time I sit down I'm determined to make myself write fic and nothing else. But that keeps not working out. I keep having ideas for other people's fics and DL scenes but none for my own. I'm feeling terribly uninspired. I should probably just hang it up for the rest of my break and go work on all that reading I said I'd do this week. We'll see.

So what's new? Niblet is at the vet right now, getting her tubes tied or whatever it is that they do to girl cats. I won't get her back until tomorrow. Jake is also at the vet getting better x-rays and stuff. This time they are knocking him out, but we'll get to pick him up this afternoon. In the meantime I need to go do some shopping and get everything together for the baby shower tomorrow. Whee.

Mom bought a car this week. She got a good deal on a barely used Buick LeSabre that belonged to Mr. Missionary's deceased father, and has hardly been driven since he died. So the minivan is mine now. Sexay, sexay minivan! Woo! Eh, at least I have wheels. And my mom is de-Jesusifying it as I type. Did I never mention that it was a Jesus van? Well, it was. But it is the Jesus-mobile no more. Not that there was anything wrong with that, but, y'know. And anyway I don't feel I should go around advertising my Christian status on the roads until I can learn to drive with more patience and less flipping people off. At any rate, I have my very own set of wheels now, so you won't have to read any more whining from me on that front.

Oh, and the missionaries are gone now, and the pneumonia that was had by Mrs. Missionary wasn't the scary lethal kind. So yay for that.

What else ... Oh! I finished all of the DL CDs. Well, mostly, I still have to label them. But that won't take long. And they're going in the mail this afternoon. So if you're waiting for CDs from me, you should get them next week. Er, if you're getting them because you donated to the site, that is. If you're getting some just because we're friends and I promised you some in a fit of generosity, those will get put together this weekend and mailed some time next week. Love ya, but paying customers are first.

That's about it for me. I enjoyed this week's Angel, but I really don't have much to say about it. I'm far more excited over the preview for next week's Buffy. Though today I'm so very, very sad that tonight is the last new episode of Farscape ever. I'll probably cry before it's over. After, too. Heck, I teared up watching the preview for it last week. Sigh.

Oh! And also, guess what's going in the mail with the CDs today? I finally got around to cleaning up one of my short stories and making it marketable. So the manuscript is off to a somewhat obscure sf/horror digest. So in a couple of months I ought to have something to add to my rejection letter file. ;-) I feel like a real writer again.

2003-03-17T20:03:00.000-06:00

Well, today is shot. I spent longer than I intended on the fic after I first posted today, not wanting to quit while I was on a roll, and yet still didn't finish it. Then by the time I finished my workout and showered and dressed it was time to load Jake up. We spent two hours at the vet, most of it sitting around waiting. Finally they x-rayed him, and found nothing seriously wrong with him, so they gave us some Rimadyl for his pain and sent us home. However, the doctor suspects that he hurt his ACL in both knees, but Jake was too tense for him to be able to feel it when he checked. So if Jake doesn't show vast improvement by the end of the week they want to see him back on Friday, so they can sedate him and get a better feel of his knees.

By the time we got back home I was exhausted from all of the heavy dog lifting, so I plopped on the couch just in time to catch the last 45 minutes of "After Life." Once I got over being pissed off at having missed the whole "147 days" scene, I relaxed and enjoyed it, choking up appropriately at both "Every night I save you" and Buffy's heaven speech at the end. And thinking how utterly beautiful Spike looked in those scenes. And falling even more in love with him. Sigh.

So of course, now all I want to do is write fic in which he gets to be happy, since that's the closest I can get to giving the poor guy a hug. As such, I guess I'll just work on finishing the garden ficlet tonight, and bump all of my "I'm a writer! No, really!" plans to tomorrow. But first I'm gonna settle back and read me some new Nauti fic. Cheers!

2003-03-17T12:09:00.000-06:00

I finally pinned Nibblet down and clipped her claws. And got my left hand all scratched up in the process. That whole 'wrap them in a towel' thing never works with her. But the upside is that she's pissed off at me now and is making a big show of ignoring me, which is making for a nice break, though attention whore that she is, I'm sure it won't last long. Also, she can't scratch me now. At least not with her front claws.

Reading Neil Gaiman's blog always makes me wish I had time to read for enjoyment. This is one of the many reasons I'm looking forward to being finished with school. At least next fall I'll be taking an English Lit course (to fulfill my minor -- and how irritating is it that they require you to have a minor? If not for that I'd be done come May), which should provide a vast improvement over text books and social scientific journal articles in the way of reading material. "Should" is the operative word in that last sentence. Anyway, I did pick up A Game of Thrones again the other night and got through another chapter. Of course that was after having to skim through several preceding chapters to help me remember what was going on, since it's been so long since I last cracked that book open. But I'm now more than 200 pages in. Only about 500 more to go. At least at this rate, by the time I get through all of the existing books the series will probably be close to completion.

We're supposed to have Jake to the vet by 4:30. We'll probably end up having to leave him overnight so they can do x-rays. Though watching him try to get around, I suspect that he's really only hurt the one leg, and his other leg just isn't strong enough yet to support him for very long. Either way, sucky.

In the mean time, I'm gonna go work out and get around, then I'm going to clean off my desk. It's still covered in detritus from last semester's papers and I should clear all that away before I start on this semester's go 'round. And as today is the day I start to kick butt and take names in making a serious effort to launch a writing career, it'd be nice to start that off with a clean desk. The rest of the day, minus the dealing with Jake, is going to be all about getting a couple of old short stories ready to submit to some magazines. I might even give Fearful Symmetry another read-through and see if it's really as unsalvageable as I've managed to convince myself.

Once all that's done, it's back to the garden ficlet. Actually, I think I have time to poke at that for an hour or so before I go do any of the stuff mentioned above. If I could get myself focused I could probably finish it in an hour or two. Now, while my cat's being peevish and leaving me alone, would be a really good time to tackle that.

2003-03-16T22:43:00.000-06:00

Pet trauma the first: My trauma, actually, and I won't go into details because, ew. Suffice it to say that a cat in heat is one of the nastiest things that there is. Especially when she won't stay the hell off of you. Please, dear Lord, give us both the strength to make it until her spaying appointment on Friday.

Pet trauma the second: My mom's big-ass dog Jake has managed to somehow injure both of his hind legs. I had to help her carry him up the deck stairs (down which we think he might have fallen) to get him inside a while ago, and I think I might have hurt my back again. And as soon as she can get him in I have to help her get him to the vet. As much as I like large dogs*, times like these are when I think it's really good to have a dog that can fit in your purse. Poor Jake, though. He's not whining, but he's being so pathetic. He's obviously in pain, poor fella, but he's also soaking up the extra attention like a sponge.

I watched all of the remaining eps on my Angel dvds today. I have more thoughts brewing, but it'll take me a while to get them all sorted out. But I will say that Alexis Denisoff is just fabulous at the physical comedy, which makes it almost a shame that Wesley is no longer a spaz.

Also watched "Lover's Walk," and I'd like to add "Oh, don't tell me that wasn't fun" to my list of all-time Sexy Spike moments.

Saw Willard last night. I highly recommend it to anyone who does or used to consider themselves an X-Phile. It was (re-)written and directed by Glen Morgan and produced by Morgan and Wong, and it's about the same level of creep, suspense and twisted humor as the best of their XF eps. Plus it has shout-outs. Those were fun. Also? Crispin Glover would make a good Joker. He's got the psychotic, maniacal grin down pat.

Tess did go with me, and helped me navigate Garden Ridge where I picked up plenty of stuff for the shower. Alas, by the time we finished there it was almost time for the movie, and by the time we got out of the movie Ulta was closed, so I ended up not having to worry about the dilemma of how much to let myself spend there. Even so, it was a nice night. Came home and stayed up way, way too late chatting, for which I blame adjrun because she logged on so darn late to begin with and I couldn't go until I talked to her.

Oh, and here's some fun news: Those missionaries from the Philipines who are staying with us who used to be our neighbors? They brought pneumonia back with them, and it turns out it might be this special strain that a lot of people visiting and returning from the Philipines has been bringing back. Though, we're fairly certain that it's not, because though they're still infected, they at least have walking symptoms and are up and around, whereas most of the people who've contracted the scary strain are, well, dead or dying. At any rate, they're running tests, and if it does turn out to be that strain, I'll be spending the rest of my spring break and then some under quarrantine. I'm really not too worried that it'll turn out that way, though. And so far my mom and I and everybody who's come to our house since the missionaries got here are fine, although my mom is showing chest cold symptoms, so we're keeping an eye on her. She insists that she feels fine, though. I wish she could just stay home and rest tomorrow but it really does require at least two of us to move Jake around and he really needs to see a vet.

Some better news: The first draft of DL 3.9 is finished, and I'm told to "expect a major slew of edited stuff real soon." And the first scene of 3.10 got posted to the beta list today, too. So we're movin' right along.

Finally, here's hoping that georgevna had a swell birthday.

The first time I typed that I wrote "dongs." Freudian slip much?

2003-03-15T13:30:00.000-06:00

Gah! I went downstairs to get some water and caught my mom laying out all of the fixin's for chili dogs. I was good, though. I got my water and ran back upstairs and had a Slim-Fast bar for lunch. I'm finally noticing some fruit from all of my sensible-diet-and-exercize labor, the last thing I need to do is blow it on a coney. Besides, I'm probably gonna eat some Chinese food tonight, so, yeah.

I'm definitely going shopping later. Need to pick up some things for the shower next week, including a gift. I'm debating on whether go give myself an allowance to spend at Ulta. On the one hand I've got straight As and weight loss that I could use as an excuse to reward myself, but on the other hand I've got that trip to Chicago in May and I really should save my money for that. The Buffy & Angel DVDs were really a pretty substantial reward, anyway. Plus I splurged and bought some more workout clothes on the day of the dog tragedy (I really shouldn't be allowed anywhere near any kind of shopping venue when I'm upset). I might go ahead and split the difference and buy my essentials there. And of course if they still have the pair of sunglasses that I loved but was too broke to buy last time I was there I could take that as a sign that I was meant to have them ... Anyway, the point is that I'm going out tonight. Whether I also see a movie depends on whether Tess goes with me, but I haven't talked to her yet so I don't know. Don't know what we'll see if she goes with, either. Possibly Willard.

My plans for tomorrow are even better. Aside from the wee bit o' writing I'll do just to keep myself in the saddle, I'm going to sit on my ass all day and watch my DVDs. Whee!

Monday, I'm going to go through all of my original stuff and see what's salvageable and possibly marketable, and I'm going to finally get off my ass and submit some of it. Also going to finally get my writing samples together to send to that local 'zine. The rest of the week I'll play by ear. I have to finish both my DL chapter and the remaining DL CDs that I owe people. I should read the book that I have to write a ten page report over by next month for my Marriage & Family class, and I should at the very least narrow down my list of possible topics for my other two big papers. If I was smart I'd also narrow down a research topic for my senior capstone project this summer. I'm getting Nibblet spayed on Friday (hallelujah!), and there's the Mimsies show that night (to which I still haven't decided whether I'm going), and prepping for the shower the rest of that day, and Saturday is the actual shower. I also really, really have to go through my mail and pay any outstanding bills I have and get my financial aid forms turned in, and also make absolutely sure that my not being employed at all last year means that I don't have to file taxes. And also clean. I'll probably get all of that last stuff out of the way on Tuesday. I've a feeling I'm not really going to get much done in the way of schoolwork this week.

As for the garden fic, I got a little more banged out this morning. I wish I could write fast like some people, but as it was two hours resulted in about five paragraphs. Now I have to beta the last few scenes of DL 3.9, which I'll hopefully get done before I have to leave. And hopefully I'll get home early enough tonight that I can write some more. Although realistically I'll probably end up chatting and not getting anything done in the way of fic, but we can pretend I at least have good intentions of coming home and writing. Actually, if I end up going by myself I'll probably end up at Borders or something and might do some writing there. I really hope Tess can go with me, though, as I haven't talked to her for a couple of weeks.

All of this is really to say, SPRING BREAK! WHOO!

2003-03-14T14:58:00.000-06:00

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	High
Schizotypal:	Low
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Low
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Click Here To Take The Test --

As a mental health professional in training, I'd like to point out that this test sucks ass, so don't go freaking out over the results. For example, a lot of the answers that produced the above results are typical of ADD behavior. Also, some of the questions are phrased terribly. "Do consider yourself having a strong love for approval and praise?" Well who doesn't? Having a strong need for such, on the other hand, could be problematic. So, whatever. My DSM-IV says I'm not schizoid, so I'm going with that.

2003-03-14T11:28:00.000-06:00

I only got part of the new garden ficlet done last night. This one is slightly more complex in that it'll consist of a whopping three scenes. One more to go.

Speaking of one more to go, the last scene of DL 3.9 (that's shorthand for Restoration, Episode 9 for any newcomers out there who haven't caught on to that yet) just turned up in my inbox. And there was much rejoicing. Now we just have to finish betaing it and alkibiadhs has to finish up his revisions and we're good to go. Which means I'd better make beta reading the new scenes top priority tonight. After Farscape, natch.

And speaking of Farscape, I woke up to mild panic thinking that tonight's was the finale, but I checked and that's not until next week. So I can go another week in denial. Whew.

Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! Spring break!

Okay, technically not until I finish up in my sister's classroom today (I'm taking Fizzgigg to visit the moppets, by the by. That'll be fun. As long as none of them flips out in a psycho fit and tries to hurt him. Or me. But nothing like that's happened for a while now and I expect them all to be pretty mellow today what with spring break looming just beyond the bell and all). I need to sit down and sort out my plans and priorities and figure out what must get done this week and what can wait, because I would like some relaxation and fun time. Maybe I'll finally get to finish watching my AtS dvds and break out BtVS Season 3. I can't believe I haven't even watched "Lover's Walk" yet. I haven't seen the non-butchered-for-syndication version of that ep since MilhousCon. Of course it's less annoying to watch the FX version when you can't remember what's missing.

So, I'm off to intern. I'd hoped to stop by a coffee shop before I come home and work on the ficlet free of the cat-in-heat menace (that reminds me, I need to go call the vet ASAP and see if I can get her in and get her spayed next week), but -- say it with me -- I have to get the car home. Bleah.

2003-03-13T12:36:00.000-06:00

Answer: "China-dog shrimp-poodle!"

Question: "What kind of dog do you have, Shane?"

I love my sister's students. Alas, we couldn't get him to draw us a picture.

When I said yesterday that I'd write more garden fic last night, I was suffering a brain fart that made me completely forget it was Angel night. So, maybe I'll get that written tonight. I have to watch Survivor, but I don't have to log on and chat about it after, so that'll leave room for productivity. Also, my only class tomorrow is cancelled, so I can also stay up late. Perfect conditions for ficcing.

I'm having a thought about the difference between Spike and Angel, but I want to let it brew a bit longer before I share.

I'm sorely tempted to skip my PM class, but since I already did that on Tuesday I'd better go. I think I've got time for a nap first, though, so I'm gonna go do that now.

2003-03-12T11:03:00.000-06:00

After completing the first half of DL 3.11 last night (go me!), I took some Tylenol PM and turned in early. Such a good feeling to be well rested. Anyway, since I'm feeling all accomplished re: DL for the moment I think I'll go ahead and work on the garden fic tonight. The next installment should be as short and sweet as the others, so I should be able to bash it out tonight. But then I gotta get it betaed, so I can't say when it'll get posted.

The test that I keep studying for and then finding out it's been postponed finally happened this morning. It was ridiculously easy. And now I'm done with that class until after spring break.

Spring break. Next week. Thank you, sweet Jesus. Insert massive sigh of relief here.

On my way out of the building I saw a flier for a Mimsies show here in Claremore that happened last Sunday, and I'm kicking myself for not seeing it before. Terrence and I used to be friends with the lead singer back in our OU days, but since I moved back up here and she started her band and moved to L.A. we lost touch. I'd really like to have seen her. Ooh! They're coming back to Tulsa to play Curly's on the 21st, yay! I'm trying to wheedle Terrence into taking off to go see them with me, but so far he's all "Gotta work blah blah staff shortage blah blah blah responsibility-cakes." Feh.

I'm really in a mood to write, but I have to go intern. Why does life have to be so damned inconvenient with the scheduling?

2003-03-11T18:25:00.000-06:00

My little sister's here. As I was walking over to sit by her she told me I look skinny today. I had just registered what she said and begun to bask in the glow of the compliment and my weight loss success when my mom piped up and said, "Everybody looks skinny when you're 8 months pregnant."

Sigh.

I love my mommy. I really do.

2003-03-11T14:21:00.000-06:00

Naps good. Midday pillow creases on Jean's face, not so much with the pretty.

To my fellow Spuffy 'shippers: I found this interview with Jane E. extremely heartening. In it she says that "the Buffy and Spike love story" is her favorite arc out of the entire series and explains why. I realize it's all just her opinion, but the great thing about it is that she talks about the love "they" have and doesn't qualify it at all to make it sound like it's all one sided and unrequited or downplay Buffy's feelings to be anything less than love. Much like the love I have for Jane. Warning, though, it does contain a casting spoiler. It's not very surprising casting info, but the spoiler pure might want to keep away.

On a completely unrelated tac, how come some people can't compliment a fic they like without inserting a not so veiled dig at DL (or any other fic they don't care for, for that matter)? It usually happens in posts that smack of "darkfic is superior and anything that dares to be lighthearted or optimistic misses the point," an attitude that irritates the shit out of me. And it carries the implication that DL is nothing but fluff. While it certainly has its fluffy moments and has a pretty optimistic basic premise, it has some pretty dark moments and themes, too. If it's not your thing, fine. Some people don't like their angst served with side orders of romance and comic relief (though if that's the case, I have to wonder why such a person watches the show). Diff'rent strokes and all that. I just don't appreciate DL being pointed to as the pinnacle of fluff, and when you're praising a darkfic I don't get why such a comparison (especially such a pointed comparison, even if you didn't call the fic by name) is even necessary. If you don't like it, fine. That's cool. But you don't have to be so damn condescending about it.

So, I decided to skip my PM class to write -- and nothing but, yet here I am online farting around with a journal entry. But Fox asked the burning question, "Are you happy?" Like others, it got me to thinking. No surprise, as I'm prone to introspection and self-analysis anyway. But I've come to realize that, less than a month away from turning 30, I'm pretty satisfied with myself, with who I am and where I'm going. Of course I'm not as pretty or as thin as I'd like to be. I'm not the most outgoing person and I value my privacy, and I realize this makes me somewhat difficult to get to know, but much like Willow all it takes is an expressed interest and I open right up. Those who've made the effort to get to know me tend to claim that it was worth it, so there must be something about me that's worthwhile. I realize that entirely too much of my self-esteem is wrapped up in my writing ability and the perception others have thereof, and I need to work on that. I also wish that I could be more outgoing and that I was more skilled at the art of flirting or even just, y'know, talking to a guy, and that I weren't so oblivious or prone to get impatient (I often really hate my ADD, but I try really hard not to use it as an excuse for my bad behavior, and at least for the most part I know how to control it or work around it). But in the end I know that I'm smart and occasionally even witty and/or insightful, and I'm not without talent. For all of my flaws and my occasionally evil tendencies I think I'm basically a kind and decent person, if not always nice or good. I'm strong in my faith and in my identity. I know who I am and what I do best and I've got a pretty good idea of where I want to go from here.

All this is to say that I don't look to other people to provide me with happiness, and I don't think I need a man to complete me. That said, I find I'm lonely more often than not. I want a boyfriend. I want to know that I'm not going to spend the rest of my life alone, just me and my cats and my tiny, tiny dog. I want to know that there's at least a chance that I could have my own children someday and that I'm not destined to just be the eccentric aunt who spoils all her nephews because she hasn't got anybody else to spoil. I wish I had the stones to be the pursuer, because God knows I'm never the pursuee, and I wish that didn't ever come down to me wondering what is wrong with me that nobody ever notices me or thinks I'm worth chasing after, but sometimes it does, and if I dwell on it too much I can get pretty depressed. And sometimes it's a constant struggle not to dwell on it. So, no, I'm not happy. I want too badly to share my life with someone. To share my bed. And I don't see that happening any time soon. It's not like I have time to date right now anyway, let alone get involved (although if a certain Brit would ask me out for coffee or dinner I'd certainly make the time).

That said, I think I can see myself becoming complacent with my single status sometime down the line and resigning myself to it, which is perhaps the most depressing thought of all. But barring the presence of a significant other, I think the key ingredients to my life satisfaction are 1) my relationship with God (which I've been neglecting far too much lately), 2) having plenty of time to write (even if I never make a living at it, I get all kinds of stressed if I have to go too long without writing) and 3) having a lifestyle in which I'm not too rushed too often. I don't mind being rushed occasionally -- I'd get bored otherwise. But all in all I don't like to be rushed. I like being able to take my time with things. I can't stand to be constantly on the go. I need my quiet time.

I also know that I had damn well better get my ass in gear and start making it as a writer because if I don't, if I have to settle for any other type of career, I'm going to be absolutely miserable for the rest of my life. But that's fodder for another post.

2003-03-10T11:41:00.000-06:00

10:05 AM - Grr. Fizzgigg woke me up an hour & a half early this morning, and as I let him out I realized I had spent all weekend forgetting about the test that was (initially) scheduled for this morning (this would be the same test I mistakenly thought was last Monday and spent all last weekend studying for). So instead of going back to bed I fixed coffee and hunkered down to review. Got to class on time, scantron and No. 2 pencil in hand, sans textbook, only to discover that the test has been postponed to Wednesday because of all of those snow days we had.

So, now I'm stuck in class with no book. Can't occupy myself taking notes because they're discussing current events instead of course content. Right now they're debating the death penalty. Whee. I'm sleepy, sleep-deprived and cranky. And hungry. I scarfed a banana on the way to class but it's not holding me. Arrgh.

~~~

Now - I'm doing better. Still feeling the sleep deprivation, but I've got me a Slimfast Meal-on-the-go bar (Milk Chocolate Peanut. Mmm.) so at least I'm not hungry. Feeling the love re: last night's installment of Smuffy (Spuffy + mild smut = Smuffy). I'll probably add to it tonight. I still need a series title, though. I'm serious about suggestions. I suck at titles and I need help. Here, I'll make it easy for you:

Garden fic title poll

Come on, reader participation! It's fun!

2003-03-09T11:24:00.000-06:00

Christmas before last my mom gave me this pretty little single service tea set, with a small tea pot, a big honking tea cup, and a matching ceramic tray to hold them both. I thought it would look very pretty sitting on my coffee table, but for fear that Nibblet would break it, I kept it in the box and put it away in a closet, figuring I'd break it out some day when she's older and less prone to using terrorist tactics to get her way. But earlier this year, I got into drinking green tea. Something about it increasing your metabolism and warding off cancer. Then the other day I read that you have to drink two or three cups a day to really reap the benefits. So, I got out my little tea set and started making myself a whole pot at a time. This was three days ago. Today, on the third use, while pouring my second cup, I lost control of the teapot's lid and it shattered all over the floor.

Le sigh.

You know, I really like to think that I've grown out of the chronic accident proneness of my childhood, but any time I start to get too confident in that regard I go and do something like this. And now my pretty little tea set sits there, sans lid, an open, gaping mouth mocking me and my clumsiness.

Oh, and before that I dropped the lid to my mom's tea kettle in the sink and chipped the ceramic coating. I'm kinda hoping that one will go unnoticed. And if not, maybe she'll consider the entire lid from my teapot a sufficient sacrifice.

I'm just procrastinating now because I have to go clean the cat box and I don' wanna. But I also have to go get around and go to Li'l Sis's first ever baby shower. Hopefully after that's over I'll be able to come home and write. I really didn't accomplish more last night than typing up and revising what I had handwritten at Panera. But I'm two scenes away from finishing the first installment of 3.11, and I really, really want to get that done today. Plus if I could get an outline hammered out for the whole episode, that would probably be helpful to a lot of people besides myself.

2003-03-08T18:13:00.000-06:00

Big love and thanks to everyone who consoled me after yesterday's tragic tale of doggie woe.

Today has been much, much better so far. So far I've been utterly selfish, making it a total me day. I slept in til 11, then sat around for an hour drinking a pot of green tea and reading a magazine I picked up yesterday. Then I did yoga for an hour before taking a nice, long shower and making myself presentable so I could then make myself scarce for a couple of hours while my mom hosted that church baby shower. I went to Panera (formerly St. Louis Bread Company) for a couple of hours where I hung out sipping Hazelnut coffee and nibbling on an orange scone and working on DL 3.11.

For those of you suffering from writer's block or just trying to get back on the horse and jumpstart your writing groove, let me tell you that nothing works for me as well as getting the hell away from my computer and out of the house and sitting in a cafe with nothing but a nice pen and an empty legal pad to keep me company. The nice pen is important. Fancy pens make you want to write.

Actually, I also had Fizzgigg to keep me company. The weather today was fabulous, at least 70 degrees, so I took him with me and we sat out on the patio. He got bits of scone and his own cup of water and plenty of attention from passersby, not to mention that he got to go bye-bye in the car, so he was in teeny doggie heaven.

I got a pretty good start on the next scene in my episode. I think that's something else that's important re: this particular method of getting unblocked -- not doing too much by hand (unless, of course, that's how you usually write anyway). I just get it started, then I make myself quit while I know what happens next. Then I come home and type up what I wrote and go from there. It's interesting, I find that writing by hand makes it easier to sink into the story and filter out everything else, but then as I don't write longhand very often my hand gets tired and I tend to rush the story. So all in all I'm better off writing via computer. Writing longhand is a great way to get myself going, though. And that's it for the unsolicited writing advice portion of today's entry.

What else? Oh! Things are looking up on the car front. There's really a snowman's chance in Texas of my brother getting a car running tomorrow, but my mom has really been wanting to get herself a new vehicle anyway, and she's looked over her finances and decided that she can afford to do so. So she's going to buy herself a new car and give me her minivan, since it's newer and more reliable than my car anyway. I don't know when this will happen, but it will be soon. So, yay! On the other hand, the trunk of my car has been doubling as extra storage space ever since I moved here, so now I have to figure out where I'm going to put all that crap. Hopefully there's room in the non-habitable portions of the attic, because there's not any more room in the part that I live in. That's really a minor problem, though, and one I'm happy to have to solve.

2003-03-07T13:42:00.000-06:00

Didn't go to internship. Got a little sidetracked as I was leaving when my mom caught up with me, freaking out because she found a dog in my brother's yard that apparently his dog had mauled. She didn't know whether it was still alive and she had no idea what to do, so I went down to check, and it was indeed still alive. As we were trying to rein Tyson in, it got up and managed to crawl across the street before it collapsed. So we went and got a blanket and the van and took it in to the emergency vet. He was so torn up, mom couldn't even stand to look at him, let alone touch him, so I had to do all the wrapping and carrying, and I sat with him in the back seat. He was pretty clearly a stray, probably somebody dumped him out here hoping us or one of the neighbors would take him in. And we probably would have if there'd been much hope for recovery, but even if we'd been able to pay for surgery it was a pretty slim chance he'd pull through, as he was also starved (we think he was probably trying to get to Tyson's food when Tyson jumped him) and dehydrated and had all kinds of infections, and his heart was so weak there was a good chance the anesthesia would stop it and kill him anyway if they tried surgery. So mom went ahead and signed off for him to be put to sleep. The whole time she kept going on about how I should have been a vet because she was so impressed with how I held it together to get him taken care of, but as she was settling up I had to go sit in the van and completely break down. Oh good, now I'm crying again. Poor little guy.

2003-03-07T11:17:00.000-06:00

I've been up for thirty minutes and already I'm bleeding. Y'know, I really think it's cruel and unusual punishment to have a cat declawed, but sometimes I think it might be an exception in Niblet's case. It'd be removing her instruments of evil. I'm gonna make an appointment to finally get her spayed over spring break. Hopefully that'll settle her down. Settling her down to the point that I'd stand a chance of pinning her down and clipping those little razor blades of terror would be a good, but I won't hold my breath on that count.

Didn't go to class this morning because -- say it with me -- mom needed the van. But I don't so much mind, as I really needed the excuse to sleep in. She's picking up some friends at the airport who are going to be staying with us for a while. They used to be our neighbors but now they're missionaries in the Phillipines and they're back home for a month or so. As long as they don't drink up all my coffee or eat all my bananas or invade my personal space we should all get along fine. I've a feeling the transportation problem is about to get far more complicated, though. Let's all cross our fingers in the hopes that my brother gets his hippie van running this weekend.

Li'l Sis's first baby shower at her mother-in-law's got postponed to this Sunday on account of all that snow, so that's one thing I'll be doing this weekend. I'd really kinda like to stay home tomorrow to get stuff done, but my mom is hosting another baby shower downstairs for this girl from her church whom I went to high school with who was kind of a snot, and I don't really want to be around for that. I need to see if Tess wants to go catch a matinee of something. I don't even know what movies are playing right now. But surely we can find something we can both agree on. Then again, I really, really want to just stay home tomorrow. I need to clean, and I need to write. Sigh. I wish I could not go to Sis's shower without people giving me guilt. Like it's not enough that I'm hosting a shower for her in a couple of weeks.

I have to go get around and go intern for a few hours, and new Farscape is on tonight, and I should work out at some point because yesterday's yoga didn't really count. Other than that, though, my evening is pretty free. Hopefully I'll be able to get some writing done tonight. Friday night is usually a pretty slow AIM night, so that should help. I've got vague ideas for a couple more garden fic installments, but I kinda want to wait and see if I can still make them tie in to canon. Though, I suppose since Buffy's gettin' busy with Spike once again in my little garden-verse I've officially gone AU and I might as well say screw canon and do my thang. We'll see. DL needs to be my priority right now anyway. DL really needs to be everybody's priority right now if we're going to finish before the show does (*looks sternly at the DL crew*).

Drat. I guess I also have to set aside some time to answer e-mail tonight. Meant to do that this morning but this entry took longer than I expected and now I have to go get ready to leave. So if you're waiting to hear from me, it'll have to be later. Sorry!

2003-03-07T00:09:00.000-06:00

Today was long. And hard. Just like this post.

It started out with my mom coming in my room at 7:30 to get Fizzgigg, because he and her dog Bonnie both had appointments with the groomer. She woke me up to ask me where his collar was. It was with his leash. Then I had to offer several possibilities as to where his leash would be before she left. She must've found it because she didn't come back, and I managed to fall back to sleep just in time for some extremely hazy dream weirdness before the alarm went off and I had to get up. I didn't go to my AM class, because really, I'm all talked, read and listened out on Marx's theories and I had a test this afternoon that I still wasn't prepared for. Had enough time to have my coffee and a banana and to get a wee bit of studying in before I had to get dressed and go pick up the dogs, since I had agreed to pick them up on the way home from my morning class.

Got to the groomer's okay. Bonnie was sitting behind the pet gate looking well groomed and cute but forlorn when I walked in. --Gah! I just choked on my Mudslide! Yes, I have Mudslides. More on that later. I swallowed it down the wrong pipe and spewed it everywhere. I drank some water but I can't stop coughing. Gag. Literally. Anyway, back to our tale of grooming woe-- The groomer got Bonnie back up on the table and put some gunk on her foot, explaining that they'd had a slight nail filing mishap and that her paw was bleeding, but that the gunk should make it stop. Then she turned Bonnie loose and went to load her in the van while they fetched Fizzgigg.

When I went back in for him, he was on his leash (Mom found it, yay!) in the lobby, being led by the groomer's little boy who couldn't have been more than 5. That was an adorable sight to behold. Even so, my heart sank a little when I saw Fizz. Not that she did a bad job, she made him look like the toy poodle that he is (puppy cut, mind you, not the poufy poodle puffball haircut), and while he's still cute, he just looks like an entirely different dog and it always takes some getting used to. I really wish I could just keep him shaggy. If I had the time and patience to brush him regularly, I probably would, but I don't, so it's not such a good idea. But when his hair's all grown out he's so scruffy and puppy-like and he looks exactly like a Muppet and he is just So. Frickin'. Cute. It'll take about a month till he starts to look that cute again. But oh well, he always seems to feel better after a hair cut (not to mention about a half a pound lighter), and with impending warm weather, it was time.

I get back out to the van and we get underway when I discover that Bonnie has not stopped bleeding. It's not gushing or anything, but she's tracking spots of doggie blood all over the van. Ew. So I find a napkin and I'm trying to get her to let me wrap it around her paw and she's extremely disgruntled and gnawing on my hand and I'm paying more attention to her than the road and I come thisclose to knocking over a mailbox. At which point I pull over and at least make her let me spread napkins out on the chair beneath her. She growled at me the entire time, but she let me. She's really not a mean dog, she was just terribly upset. So I loved on her and calmed her down, and eventually we all made it home in one piece, and by then she really did stop bleeding and seemed to be in a much better mood.

Once the dogs were squared away, I had a few hours left to study -- which, since it was open book, consisted mostly of marking key pages with Post-its -- and grab a bite to eat. Mom got home from wherever it was she had gone, having convinced a friend to drive out to our house and pick her up for a change, and reminded me that she had a doctor's appointment this afternoon so I had to come straight home after class so she could have the van. She has high blood pressure, by the way. They don't know why. She's scheduled for a whole bunch of tests a couple of weeks from now. Anyway, I went to class, took the test, didn't write fast enough (nor did anybody else because nobody finished before the class was scheduled to end), so I didn't finish. Well, I did, just barely, but I had to rush through the last couple of questions and give incomplete answers and I didn't even have time to look at the extra credit questions. So, I could've done better, if I'd had more time. Which I would have, seeing as how the prof was letting us take as much time as we needed to get through it, had I not had to get the van back home for my mom. Grr. Arrgh.

I also needed to go to the store. So I called mom and told her I'd just pick her up and drive her to the doctor so I could do my shopping while she was there. I figured I could use the drive time to talk to her about this vehicular situation, which has really got to end. Then it occurred to me that my brother's wife would probably tag along, so I called back to see, and sure enough, she was coming too. So I told my mom all about how I probably missed out on an A because I had to stop taking the test so I could get the car back to her. I almost broke down over the phone, telling her that I don't care if it's selfish, I need my car back and I want it back now, and it wasn't right for her to just give it away without consulting me in the first place, and all the while I'm kinda feeling like a shit because I know she's going to the doctor for her high blood pressure and I don't want to give her stress, but dammit, this is ridiculous! My brother's car got stolen months ago and when he "borrowed" my car to begin with it was only supposed to be for a week, two tops.

I know some of you are thinking that I should just talk to him about it myself, but, well, my brother and I aren't close, we hardly ever talk beyond small talk and the occasional joking around, and we're both extremely non-confrontational. As such I know he'd just tell me what I wanted to hear, fully believing it at the time, and I'd take him at his word fully knowing that I shouldn't, and it would be unproductive and 27 different shades of weird.

So mom agreed to talk to him. Which, she told me a short while ago, she did, and as a result he's going to stay home on Sunday to try to get one of his many ancient, piece o' crap, nonfunctional VWs to function. And if he doesn't get one running? I don't know. I guess I'll have to have another mini-breakdown.

Anyway. Got mom to the doctor, convinced sis-in-law to stay and keep her company as I really needed some alone time, did my shopping and, on a whim, did something I've never done before and popped into a local liquor store and grabbed a 4-pack of Kahlua Mudslides. It just seemed like something that would be nice to have tonight, even though I'd be violating two rules I've set for myself regarding alcohol, which are to not drink alone and to not drink in my mother's house. But at least I stuck to my two-drink limit, and spaced them out at that, so the only ill-effects I suffered was the near death incident mentioned above. Got back to the doctor, chatted with sis-in-law whilst waiting a really long time for my mommy to finish up, then we all got home just in time for me to do some yoga before Survivor came on. Which I did, and at 7 PM CST settled into my sofa feeling all relaxed and refreshed and turned on my TV to see not Jeff and the castaways but Dubya instead.

Insert long, tired, frustrated sigh here.

I sat through the speech, feeling very sad about the entire situation, and eating frozen pizza (except, cooked). Then my show finally came on. I want to root for the women, I really do. But I just like the guys better. This week, at least. And Heidi needs somebody to slap every last ounce of shit out of her. Had my first Mudslide of the evening while I watched, and after I felt pretty mellow and de-stressed. So I showered and put on my jammies, then I remade my bed with this fancy-schmancy fluffy, foamy mattress pad my mom ordered for us both that arrived today, and now I'm done with my second Mudslide, having spewed a good portion of it all over my computer, and as of now I'm all about chatting and catching up. I'm going to be very disgruntled again if nobody's on AIM to talk to me. And also if I keep glitching like I did last night. But for now I'm feeling pretty good.

2003-03-05T11:37:00.000-06:00

Scary DL search referrals of the day (she wrote, as if she does this daily):

Why can't you people just search "Buffy Spike naked" like everybody else?

***

It's snowing, but not much, and it's not sticking. So, lunch, then internship for me. I'm currently planning on spending a couple of hours at the Borders cafe afterwards to study, but that won't happen if it's still snowing by then, seeing as how I'll need to get home before it turns dark and freezing.

Huh. I just saw a commercial for the United Methodist Church that sounded more like they're operating under Unitarian doctrine these days. Just, huh. We went to a Methodist church when I was little, and they weren't like that then.

Anyway. During class I wrote down snippets of dialogue for the fic that will hopefully turn into a tie-in novel (and if not will eventually get posted as a fic). So those are out of my brain and secured on paper now.

I think I'm going to save my Hershey bar to eat tonight while I watch Angel.

Shut the fuck up, Ace, you big, unfunny, hypocritical liar-girl.

2003-03-05T09:42:00.000-06:00

Finished paper. Up at 6 AM to do so. Can't speak for quality, but at least it's done. Leaving to turn it in now. Am too tired for pronouns. Still haven't eaten celebratory Hershey bar. Maybe for lunch.

Faith tonight. Yay!

2003-03-04T16:23:00.000-06:00

I keep getting cut breaks, thank Jesus. Apparently I was in the extreme minority in my History & Systems class for having done well on the last test, because this week's test is going to have only half as many questions as the last one and it will be open book/note. That takes a lot of pressure off. Means I can go ahead and watch Angel, for one thing. Might even mean I can chat about it after.

So, I did get to spend most of the day at the library after all, mostly studying for said test. Needless to say, I'm pretty fried. I think I need to just sit here doing nothing for a while before I go work out. I might even forego aerobics and break out my old yoga video instead, because I'm really feeling the need to relieve some stress. Then again, it's warmed up quite a bit, so maybe I'll just go for a walk. Oh joy, decisions. Whichever I do, after that I'd better get my rear in gear and actually write that paper. It's only five pages, it really shouldn't be that hard.

Hmm. I might walk to the convience store and buy some chocolate with which to reward myself once the paper's done. That kinda defeats the original purpose of the walk, but I figure the mile walk will cancel out the chocolate and I can still feel good about it. Dieter's logic. Don't argue with it.

So, so glad everything tonight is reruns.